Trauma

She told me everything with her eyes, usually I never listen, always taken up with everything else in my day and the days to come except the moment at hand! But this time I refused to allow my mind to drift, usually preoccupied with things that could take care of themselves, if not wait for when I had time to address them. I saw that void behind her focus, saying so much yet assuming I’d miss her signs once again, but still there was a piercing hope that held no facade of need behind her electric gaze. Why had I kept her waiting for so long? It was my lack of confidence in self, believing her too good to feel something for average ol’ me. What could I offer, that a whole world of what I may consider more than qualified men, could offer? I don’t think now was a time to ponder that, besides she always spoke directly about the things she loved about me, but bashfully I let them roll off her tongue as candor and casual niceties that are no more fitted than for, anything but playful gab. Trying to guess a woman’s intent, in any capacity is enough to send you to a nuthouse. What was it again? Oh yea, she loved my words, believing beneath them all, held a layer much deeper than what she has ever experienced in another man, she “vibed off my spirit” she’d always say. Yea, the feeling was mutual, but it always ended with me drifting into fantasies of more carnal desires and the friction we could share that would rival the lightening bolts of Zeus himself. Though time again, I’d quiet those thoughts, knowing I do have that layer of depth, priding myself of being capable of maintaining cordial bonds with women that didn’t have to involve sex, after all my best friend is a woman, so I’d try hard to quell those fires. Believing I could be more than the typical man, that’s assumed to not be able to think beyond sex and never knowing any good reason for waiting, as if wanting it all right away was always a matter of life or death. But this time, to my own peril, I finally realized I had thought too much into it and waited too long. I break our silence suddenly saying, “I get it now”. By her look, I could tell she was puzzled, caught off guard, by my words. I finished by saying, “I hear you, finally, way later than I should’ve, in saying nothing, your eyes said it all, I should’ve known, claiming to know you so well, and I’m right there with you, I always have been…I was just scared I admit, over thinking like usual, but trust me, the way I feel about you keeps the fire squad on call!” She blushed so hard at that moment, only heightening her radiant glow, resembling the sun’s rays peeking over the horizon. We both needed each other, why lose another second. I wont explain what happened next, because no words can even describe the plain we took off to from there, some experiences just cant be explained with words.
So I know you’re probably wondering why did I take you on this intimate ride with no details of explosive passion to follow, well because I’m in prison right now. So obviously that couldn’t happen! See, most of us will go through these situations when we get out, with no real understanding of how to navigate through them. Because of the interactions we didn’t have, cut off from naturally socializing, we might almost be like teenagers in the way we struggle with self confidence, reading signs, and unable to properly communicate our emotions, let alone allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Our brains were usually on fight or flight autopilot, we had no time to let our guards down, and every reaction we had, was to read if someone was being genuine, or if someone was trying to handle or hurt us. Everyone else that we knew outside came and went, so questioning intent and preparing for departure kept us unable to just be in the moment and focus, always believing that those around would fade away, I mean why stay and wait for a person stuck in the same spot. A reflection of how we valued ourselves based on the temporariness of others, let alone never feeling heard or understood, yet becoming the greatest listeners which only gave us more situational companions because frankly, no one listens intently these days, so no one listened to them out there, like a person in prison would. Imagine having answers for everyone but yourself yet still, no one having answers for you, where do you turn? So going back into this fast paced world, being able to focus and feel, will be a struggle. See re-offending may depend on our relationships, if we are maintaining good relationships and are successful in reading those intimate and social tell-tell signs, than life will be much easier and we will feel less alien. But if we aren’t successful, then going into our head will just be another prison we enter that may lead us back to this prison. Having to read signs is an unneeded added stress, and unnecessary stress always adds unintended consequences. I am even trapped in my head a lot right now, not being able at times to see myself as more than an inmate. But the difference is that I realize it, so maybe I can combat it, but most of us can’t, being only used to structural and functional relationships. Most of us will get out one day, so where will we find respite, escape, and emotional outlet if not in our relationships? All that to say this, since 50% of Americans know someone in prison, help them with relationship and interactions, venture away from your comfort and stop with the signs assuming that they know because the signs we are used to reading serve to keep us safe, I used to use them for that and to cope and understand the people around me. Yes, I’m asking you to spell it out until we get familiar with the world again, because not being able to adjust and feel apart of something and someone will only accelerate the feeling of alienation and possibly start us back on a downward spiral. We know what and who we were for years in here, don’t forget to help us remember who we were and could be once free again.