If I’m looking outward than I won’t see inward
I can not look inward
the skin of a sinner
never say never, I’m more than the N word
I’m more than my torment
more than these torrential forces I forklift
I cant forfeit
I forget, my fort is, my forehead-my pride and feeling important
those feelings imported
are filled with assorted
concealments I’m on the floor with
praying, do u hear me calling?
outward I’m too tough, I fall on my gender
internally at war and I’m injured
my core is dismembered
I cant silence that inner-
me!
boxed in, I enter Pandora-
weak!
I endure this binge and bender
of mixtures
and vendors
of liquor
that enter
my memor-
ry
til I hemhor-rage,
I’m a cinder
brick,
at the bottom of river!
goodbye afflictions- au revoir!
I have no reserve in this reservoir
I do not feel regular
still, pain doesn’t register
and there’s not enough change in the register
so my change doesn’t register
I’m vane but a heckler
my shame is the messenger
my name is a question mark
my aim is left in the dark
I stray, I’m afraid of loss
everyday, comes with a cost
I walk the thin line of praying to the cross
and praying that I’m not crossed
I’m numb, help me feel!
I’ve always felt less safe, and less sacred
and more hatred and more hated
now I reside where they hate us
and cut off relations
because of our mistakes
but we’ve all been mis-taken
even temptation has stipulations
Lord!
I’m drowning give me breath
my talent gives me many, but the talons of true freedom sinks down within me
flesh!
I cant change how they see me, am I not more than my surface
or do I not want more than the service of that surface
time is circular, what’s goes around-I deserve this
but I still got reserve, I’ve preserved it
..reaped fruits-
spreading my fingers
contracting my knuckles
preparing to crawl
digging thru the dirt
earth stuck in my nails
perspiring
I’ma mess
but I pulled thru!
but this life is hard and at times I still look past you
they don’t know my journey
I didn’t need a gurney
every step I earned it
pro se in my struggles, I didn’t have attorneys
kept faith in the lowest moments, I didn’t have a clergy
at times I felt more blessed than being allergic
I stayed thirsty
separated myself from being in the herd and in a hurry
even while in this fight everyday waking up, looking unphased and still struggling to feel worthy!
because of your glory
I beat the statistics and became every month outside of February-I made it to 30
I couldn’t see past myself in the mirror, but now I recognize you
so when I look out, I’m no longer afraid to look within and see with your eyes too
I’m no longer the type that would hide my truth
I didn’t believe the hype of living right but the scriptures they recite has more wisdom in each bite then inside my tooth
Corinthians said I can’t be disguised by youth
because I just became a man, and if they ask how… I’ll just point to the sky as my truth
Trauma
Illusion of Conformity
Been lonely for so long
though so afraid to stay lonely
afraid of company
afraid of companions
I need companion…ship?
or maybe company
but what will company want from me,
when it comes for me?
have no-things,
and nothing to offer
if I am the offer-its not much of an offer
don’t pick me up
go head-let me down
no need for pick-me-ups
used to being a let down
used to being let down
rather stay down
downing
downer
downward
drowning
droning
drowsy
drifting
dreaming
what’s more lonely than sleeping?
pray you wake up!
wrong company makes you lonely still
peering through your illusion-I notice we’re both alone
only you have yet to notice,
what I decided to know
sometimes,
hate I ever woke up
can’t sleep a life away
don’t sleep your life away
you’ve slept your life away
although I may die today
however lonely,
at least the least I can say,
is, I’m awake
who you convincing?
Who are you in the face of resistance
even if just for an instance
imagine something threatening your existence
imposing upon you with persistence
insistently disrupting your consistence
diminishing and conquering your commitments
if you really thought about it for a minute
who would you be when you’re finished…
flames
I see your anger
hurled at me like Molotov cocktails
what a beautiful flame in the air
like watching the engulfing wings of a phoenix
flying right at me
soaring the distance between us
a brilliance reflecting the gloss in my pupils
to your surprise
you discover a hidden, but equal, fire in my eyes
though kindled,
until ignited by you
fueling your hate angst and guilt all the more
but I’m lost in the fiery image of your blind rage
a pyro, caught in my awe
watching my ending
the coming of
destruction
desolation
devastation
inhaling the proof, laden in your flammable mixture of vitriol
and as soon as it lands
the volume encompasses all in its path
the fire will spread as far as the liquor will reach
the fire will spread as far as the liquor will reach!
apology
Take my apology
for what it is
knowing it will never be enough
it will never make amends
and may never,
make a difference
but at least it’s there
like I was
at least its real
like I was
at least it means something
like I did
but I guess,
all I’ve become
is just that,
an apology
there,
yet never enough
as if a voice
without a body
a memory
without a face
a person
without a name
and when you peel that band aid
I will still be a reminder
of what once was-
before there was a pain that needed covering,
a pain that screamed from a wound that my absence inflicted
denoting a deeper intrusion of hurt than a surfaced scab can illustrate
as your flesh struggles with it’s cells to mend itself back to form
hiding the affliction
before the break
before,
there was ever a need for
an apology
turn your back
If you turn your back on me
you may also put a knife in mine
so why beg for attention from my own demise
showing the shade of your intent, dimmed as dark as your concealed eyes
never hug me,
because, within that moment of trust
I fear the truth, in a face I can’t see, made behind me
that may only show disgust
and when you turn your back
just finish walking away
because I already feel the axe
if I were to ask, you to stay