Trauma

abandonment issues

March 13, 2020 by Russell Wardlow Leave a Comment

bandoned with issues
trying to abandon my issues
because I have abandonment issues
I figured you’d leave
or maybe I pushed you
because my fear of being Abandoned,
is The issue

safe distance

March 12, 2020 by Russell Wardlow Leave a Comment

I don’t feel you’ll know me,
if I ever tell you
I don’t believe I’ll ever tell you,
what you’ll never get
the more you know,
the less of me you’ll want
the less you have,
the more secrets I can keep
because telling everything,
doesn’t give you everything
and knowing everything,
will keep you from wanting everything
though you hate the distance between us,
at least, it conceals the difference within us
just keep enough distance between us,
because there’s too much different, between us

knee deep

March 3, 2020 by Russell Wardlow Leave a Comment

Tears soften solid ground
turning dirt into soil
life blossoms from pain
earth, hear me hurt
as I fall
and break into you
knee deep
in a creek
where I weep
no peep
low peak
I don’t peek
hope bleak
slurred speech
I don’t preach
no reach
soul leaves
with cold breeze
cold breeze
torn jeans
and no sleeves
knee deep
in a creek
where I weep

doomed before birth

March 1, 2020 by Russell Wardlow Leave a Comment

I was doomed, to be traumatized
in the womb, with my mama’s cries
in the room, where my father died
because the wounds, to my father’s pride
consumed by proof, in his bottle’s lies
my roots, are from bottled lives
boundaries bruised, with shouts and touted knives
where truth, was bound to rise
under roofs, where secret lovers drown at night
much abuse, fueled the fuse in the brownest eyes
two hearts glued, both posted in Army forces-
postmortem, post traumatic disorder-
birthed an orphaned youth, soothed by morbid music of his mama’s cries
who was doomed…to be traumatized

Cast Away

February 19, 2020 by Russell Wardlow Leave a Comment

Preyed upon by light

I pray for darkness

a grim body cast

shielding my skin from the eyeing rays of exposure

to which I fought my whole existence

having yet to live

These stark contrasts battle inside

at war with light

darkness will suffice

who doesn’t hide

I rather hide

I…. need….. to….. hide….

for peace of mind

exposure steals a piece of my-

peace of mind

too hard to confide

within these lighted confines

as if I’m sequestered by detectives

I feel the building of pressure

fumbling my coerced existence

it’s not easy from this point of view

being a spectacle

amongst the biggest spectator

my truth isn’t one size fit all

so why speak what wouldn’t be believed

I’m nothing and no one to be believed

or believed in

believe me

what’s belief but a strong thought

I’m too weak for any strength to be invoked upon

or summoned from me

faith doesn’t exceed beyond my fingers

nor sight

I see more at night seizing my nocturnal sunshine

please keep me asleep in the light of day

fore if I come to, I may be blind

shadows captured and depicted

on the outer feathers of your wings

what’s a candle’s glow inside of the sun

still hidden,

so even you, light, can be hidden

only to the darkness can you be seen

but I bid you good riddens

because you arrive without permission

enchanting my vision as with any glow

beautiful promises arise

either advertised, or implied

so imagine a bug’s surprise

allured to light

just to die

with not enough time lasting regrets of all kinds

you’re clever darkness-

your blanket is poised, peaceful, serene

though the light cuts at you with its mighty sharp and searing sword

slicing a seam of ripped unknown and within one crack you are soon probed,

discovered then destroyed

there’s never been enough room for you both like me,

darkness you’re so misunderstood

light is anything but understanding

empathetic or compassionate

its savage-like and impulsive!

raging its way through everyone’s life

conceding to nothing and no one.

A power truly unchecked

laughing at its counterbalance’s weak attempts

my regrets

my shame

my hurt

my heartache

my trauma

my truth

All vulnerable now because of your insincerity

I’m victimized yet again

falling prey to your self righteous ego

what gives you such majesty

who grants your divine-like supremacy

why are you more weapon to each wound revealing my wreckage

causing more hurt than healing

more nakedness than clothing

keep your proximity

February 18, 2020 by Russell Wardlow Leave a Comment

she looked out the window
but she’s scared of heights
she looked out the door
its too cold outside
she lives in fear
fairy tales seem realer
she thinks love’s a horror flick
crusading emotional thrillers

so she hates Michael Jackson
cuz she only see’s a wolf
inside she’s just a sheep
alone on her hoofs
she’s escaped by details
she thinks what she sees is the truth
but remember, she believes in fairy tales
so real, isn’t proof

she’s complicated
but she’s basic
her body sacred
so she saves it
she’s abrasive,
she’s evasive
people are too invasive
she hates her space invaded

mixed feelings with religion…

her worst fear, are critics
fitting clothes, but keep your distance
don’t cross her line of scrimmage
she likes attention, but with limits
touching, needs permission
because she freezes in an instant
her past, is never mentioned
more than just a witness, she’s a victim…

so she looks out the window
but she’s scared of heights
and she looks out the door
its still too cold outside
see, she lives in fear
fairy tales feel realer
she thinks love’s a horror flick
reoccurring nightmares of Thriller