Been lonely for so long
though so afraid to stay lonely
afraid of company
afraid of companions
I need companion…ship?
or maybe company
but what will company want from me,
when it comes for me?
have no-things,
and nothing to offer
if I am the offer-its not much of an offer
don’t pick me up
go head-let me down
no need for pick-me-ups
used to being a let down
used to being let down
rather stay down
downing
downer
downward
drowning
droning
drowsy
drifting
dreaming
what’s more lonely than sleeping?
pray you wake up!
wrong company makes you lonely still
peering through your illusion-I notice we’re both alone
only you have yet to notice,
what I decided to know
sometimes,
hate I ever woke up
can’t sleep a life away
don’t sleep your life away
you’ve slept your life away
although I may die today
however lonely,
at least the least I can say,
is, I’m awake
Inside
Twilight
Twilight
luminescent sparks rekindle
as if a fire has been lit
embers shimmer,
and glow like flecks of gold
embroidered within a collage of colors
making the illusion of a honey drop-
falling-
as if an embalmed-like tear
seeing her eyes
captured so much in mere moments
what was time?
every thought cascaded
every word uttered unintelligibly
every movement felt suspended-
imprisoned within this prism of paragonic proportions-
happenings fossilized into radiant distortions
views trapped in museum-like fashion,
set for meticulous display
but this was au-natural
if I ever knew of anything being so
then a, click!
like a lens capturing a moment
I swear I even heard the sound capturing ‘this instant’
but it was just a blink
and she said,
Hello!
same time, it sounded like,
Goodbye!
in one even tone
not letting on to her meaning…
then it all went White!
I don’t even remember her going
but she was
for what seemed
so far away from me,
as to no longer seem real anymore
akin to waking up from a sudden dream
trying to hold onto certain clips which reeled so vividly
eyebrows now laden with sweat
noticing my new entrapment
potent and poignantly poetic-
I became a prisoner of the moment
shaking my head at how freedom can seem so close
yet so far
so real
yet vanish suddenly
so right natural and forever
yet stolen in moments time
is life even real
these illusions that fade right before our eyes
into nostalgic and decrepit memories
I felt betrayed
as if my right to air was harshly knocked from my diaphragm
desperately gasping for minuscule molecules of breath
just to feel alive again
I’m not greedy
the more I have, the more I can lose
I’ll grab what I little I can bear
so fragile…vulnerable
the things we cherish and feel owed
what is sovereignty,
when the very peace it promises can be stripped from possession
as if it was never yours to have
is anything mine?
is anything certain?
is anything forever..
when power and profits pummel the poor
when perception peers purpose in the pupils and punishes perdition
when promise is portrayed passionately to its progressive peril
when predatorial politics puncture the provisions of pursuit and peace
when procedures policies principles and presidents provide plenty prisons and few priorities for pained persons
when pundits and police, and false pretenses of peers, paint pictures of
proportional perimeter populations placed in poverty unable to prosper and unfit for piety and propriety
when patience patience patience seems more scheme to keep pedestrian positions in place
before the twilight dimmed
I stared into the fiery eyes of freedom
caught
captured
captivated
never knowing the symbolism-
of the falling illusion of honey in her eyes
a sweetness on its last drop-
marveling at her architecture,
and the promise of her foundation
her eyes went on for galaxies it seemed
click!
she was one blink away
from disappearing
caught in a new lens of prison
now I’m stuck in time
a prisoner of the moment #78756
its darkest before dawn
so I await her next blink
twilight
solitary mind. set
Being comfortable with quiet seems natural
this c.o. can’t sit still, he can’t keep quiet
he keeps fidgeting and making noise
I’m not moving, I’m in my space
he keeps trying to start conversation
he’s uncomfortable with quiet
I lived, adapted, thrived and developed in it
when you’re without, you do more with less
solitary confinement isn’t segregation
its sensory deprivation
I found an inner voice in that isolation and silence
I recognize my dissociative states
issues I had before during and after that time more emboldened yet more easily embraced
I surf mental and emotional instabilities like ocean waves
what was unnatural became natural
because to show weakness,
despite being deprived aint allowed
antisocial behaviors take flight
though I have company
now I’m my own friend
talking to myself is easy, before I was my own enemy
I don’t need company
company is now decor
company is an amenity, not a need
all I need is myself, everyone else is bonus
this is normal, but its my new norm
all senses are now an overload
I automatically pick up on every detail in all sights and sounds
hunger pains don’t break me
I won’t crack, nor cave
I’m more animal in focus than human
no distractions distract me
I can tune out the whole world
but I know what you expect, so I’ll act normal
though you created this new norm, this insanity
and truthfully, I like it
but not everyone is so thankful
others break
others become worse
because the real truth is that humans are social creatures
and once you take that away
you create animals
and not everyone makes it back from the transformation
…but I did, so I’m blocking this c.o. out
until he asked me if I’m a trump supporter
look at me…really?
most people just really aren’t comfortable with themselves
at that time
he may not have known it
but he was looking to an inmate to provide him comfort
so I gave what he needed
while at the same time, having this convo with myself
solitary mind. set
Some inside scripts
It’s about positioning yourself
if they ain’t on what u on, cut your hours short
take the shortest route
simplicity, is this best form of sophistication
demand what u give
don’t take the losses u can’t afford
for what u want to get, what are u willing to lose
as far as outside relationships, make it known-“this is what I want, this is what I need, and this is what I have available”
if they give u 10% and expect 100%, that ain’t good math
be who u is, not who u was
don’t talk too much, but speak up and make ya self heard
if tell u them the truth, they’ll lie to themselves
everybody got an aim, so never let ya left know what ya right doin
people will do what u allow
we’ve all done dumber things on less principle, maximize every risk
cuz everything ain’t worth reacting to
if u let them pull your strings, then u a puppet
gangstas do what they wanna do, suckas do what they can-find yourself in the middle
what they eat don’t make u shit
do your time, don’t worry bout the next man
maintain your boundaries
go out and stand up as a man, with your dignity integrity intact
know your role, know your surroundings-
there will always be weasels, possums, snakes and rats…there will also be lions tigers gorillas and bears…gazelles have it the worst
I don’t wanna exist
I don’t wanna exist
I wanna live
if I can not live
then let me die
I rather die
when everyone that loves me, lives a lie
I don’t wanna lie no more, I die inside-
every time I crawl away, and try to hide
I don’t wanna walk
I wanna fly
if I can not fly
then let me fall
I rather fall
when everyone around me, never stands tall
I don’t wanna stand with my back against the wall
I’m not afraid to trip, I rather give my all-
trying to fly fearlessly, not so afraid I walk
X2
I said
this is hard time
she said,
she doing hard time too
so it’s times two
because I’m doing time
and so she’s doing time too
I told my sons,
this is hard time
but I can see they’re going thru hard times too
so its times two
because I’m doing time
and so they doing time too
I tell my family,
this is hard time
but I hear they going thru hard times too
so its times two
because I’m doing time
and so they’re doing time too
damn, prison isn’t just a self sentence that confines you
it’s times two
because you’re doing time
and everyone that loves you, is doing time too