I’ve observed that here in prison, we’re more restless
we feel more neglected and forgotten
now that the world finally begins to feel what minor imprisonment feels like
they are too lost in their own loss of movement
that we’ve gone by the waste side
there’s more episodic depression and wandering going on
while movement has taken a hit with our loss of time outside our cells
and limited gatherings and activities
such as our clubs and classes with interactions from outside volunteers
also the loss of visits has taken its toll
family is more distant, now all we know and see is each other
we’re even more imprisoned in prison
there’s been delays of parole and cancelled transfers to other facilities that are one step closer to getting home
work has been lost by those in work release facilities
along with a lockdown schedule since a minor outbreak
so now prison is getting more backed up
and our governor is refusing to let more prisoners go to ease the possibility of outbreaks with no realistic way of housing nor treating
aggression as well as drug use, has increased
we’re stir crazy
emotions have been all over the place
and so have mine
Inside
where have the years gone
where did the years go
where have they taken me
in what reality has these years placed me?
I see men the age I was when I first arrived
they make me realize the pain of the years I’ve gained
or lost
somehow I’m 31
but I still feel like I’m in my early 20’s
many around me have just reached drinking age
some have yet too
I thought I was a part of this young crowd
but now I’m the old one
I was the one looking up when I first arrived
now I’m learning to embrace that I’m the one being looked upon
how did these years catch me so fast
I see men in their 30’s 40’s and 50’s
going to school to get their g.e.d.’s
we’re so punish driven as a society it seems
we punish an act with an unwavering narrow single minded focus
and rarely consider the road that led them there
does that act not also deserve punishing for being the perpetrator
our legal remedies are emblematic of how medical processes
prescribing diagnoses and cures for symptoms
which may impose other kinds of symptoms
while rarely attacking the cause of them
and now a revolving circuit of perpetuation becomes solution
what age will I be when I arrive
arrive…? or depart
I arrived in prison and departed from freedom
now I’ll arrive to freedom and depart prison
but will I ever catch up to the years that lapped me
evolving through these evolving role changes in prison paints a painful narrative
as the door revolves, the young usher in
the old may depart
but that’s not as sure as the former
then the young will become older
and if they depart
more young will still continue cycling in
and fill the void left in the wake of the freed
but they will now be inhabited by a void
an internal one
that rivals the many they created once they left
will my void be filled inside of me once I’m free again,
the way my place in here will immediately be filled?
where did these years go
I’ve watched my sons grow in pictures
I’ve watched gravity change people I once knew
and I’ve been watching this world from inside a glass ball shooken up from time to time
and I see what they are too involved to see
proximity is invisible-
I mean, the lesser my years get
the older I get
the closer I am to freedom
but I can’t see that line of freedom I stalk
its wrapped in an allusive date
subject to change
and treated like both a wavering idea and luck
that quakes at the mercy of a possible changed mind-
being the last state left with a parole board-
not as a privilege or right owed to me
which may serve to keep me preserved from the free polluted air I crave so much
where quantity is no longer controlled but negotiated at a price
and a quality higher than this, is a norm I’ve since forgotten
where did the years go
the mystery is- if I’ll even want them back
because I remember all too clearly what they once held
and where that carried me
I never want to go back
though I wish like most that I had my youth back
but the wisdom that has been forced upon me has taught me that youth was an embarrassment of riches
a spoil that I knew not how to budget and divvy out with modesty
and I soon became bankrupt
with wasted vitality and virility
I can’t chase what I’ve lost
or ask questions when I know the answers all too well
because I know where the years have gone
they’ve gone forward,
as have I
though I feel left behind
and world doesn’t care as much if I was anyway
but I can’t afford to look backwards a moment longer
ready or not
here I am
covid woes
sadness reigning on a raining day
but you say you’re ‘A OK’
resilience steals the pain away
concealing every shade of grey
believing that you’re sane
but you aren’t the same everyday
connections lost
feels forgotten
distancing to dodge the droplets
just informed you probably got it
listening to prompts from doctors
and daily gossips
corona this, corona that-
nodding just to dodge the topic
life has turned into a prison
feelings akin to those in prison
now feeling imposed, imprisoned
recklessness just to get close,
and close the distance
now you feel just like me I suppose
cut thin
I cut myself
and watched my flesh-
this temporary shell to which my spirit hides within-
break apart
to the intrusion of this life’s pain
and as the blood succumbs to the pressure of gravity
a pressure I know all to well,
it cascades down-
painting all in its path
I smeared it
as if molding clay pottery
my trail of tragedy,
cloaking the skin that once was its captivity
although free for now
before it too,
like all things surface,
is soon washed away and long forgotten
disappearing to distant memories
for it was only a temporary experience
a quick and baneful existence
because no pain lasts forever…
or so they say
and the scar-
a reminder of my suffering surface-
marks the vulnerability of shallowness
so why live there?
when what lies beneath heals what lives in plain sight
I wish my spirit free
better to be deep
when it’s the surface that always breaks first
but I guess its a matter of perception
because self inflicted cuts,
hurt less than the ones life has given me
or maybe its the control I have
versus the consistent lack of
I even feel myself more
than the obedient punishment I take otherwise
I just want what’s inside to be free
so everyone can see who I truly am
and each cut,
is but an attempt at peeling back one layer at a time
maybe you’ll see me then
maybe you won’t
just as,
I can’t control what you see in me because of life’s inflicted cuts,
I can’t control what you see in me because of my self inflicted ones either
I’m stuck
because even when I have control
I’m still powerless
Happy Birthday Josiah
Happy Birthday Josiah
I remember your beautiful image vividly the day of your birthplace Josiah
I don’t mean to be selfish but I wish I was there on your birthday Josiah
although I know its my fault why I ain’t there in the first place Josiah
I heard you play baseball and I wish I was there to call you home safe, to home plate, like at third base Josiah
cuz I wanna get back to u as fast as I can cuz this hurts in the worst place Josiah
this hurts in the worst way
and for so many years I refrained from saying ya name
as if saying would set me a flame
I acted helpless and shamed
I was selfish and vain
and that welded a stain
that’s been pelted by rain
with umbrellas embellished with fangs
that would relish in my skeletons and never restrained
I felt lower than sediment, just a lowly specimen with alotta irrelevant change
that brought me no reverence I was severed with an evident strain
many empty days with no drive only peddling angst
I was hellish not a saint
but now that hell shhhh is faint
like my presence in your life
I’ve been sick without you, and no medicine can’t
add that glow back to my melanin
my lil Lion, nothing will ever be…the same
without your heavenly mane
I can have it all
but still one level remains
because I’m lost and last without you,
beautifully golden complexion, you are my medal to gain
because I won it all when I had you
and lost it all when I lost you
but there’s no more hiding, so no more jekyl remains
no more disguised regrets heckled in chains
because now I will never settle until I can make you feel loved and special again
by the father that you deserve, not just some fellow that gave you a name
Dear Josiah,
I’m more than what’s been said of me, though I deserve everything said since I wasn’t there to speak for myself, and for that and an infinite amount of things that I will be making up for in my lifetime, I am deeply sorry
it took getting here to understand the loss of true value, because the other things I hung onto, like my own pains, had taken the form of value and I allowed them to out value you
apologies never sound good, they aren’t really supposed to-its a statement of things most people rather not have to confront all over again, all just to admit responsibility and express remorse-but its a start, a new start, just like each moment and every day that we get in this life, its a chance for a new start, as long as we see it that way, then nothing is ever too far out of reach or too broken to be fixed, everything remains possible and limitless
and in my dreaded distance from you, I have learned the extent of redemption and the limitlessness of love and life
and like an apology, I, You, no, We, are just getting started
I am eternally sorry Josiah and I have every intention to spend my lifetime making my love and apology felt all throughout your life, the day you are willing to have me in it
I left and lost you at 2, you’ll be 13 by time I’m free…that gap is a lifetime all of its own
creating the hole in your child is never a parents intention, but working to make them whole is a lifetime of itself, and I will be part of the destruction period, count on that
I never forgot you, I just couldn’t reach you, I had to respect the people who were doing what I wasn’t in your life, some situations aren’t meant to be controlled no matter how much you want to, but if you can find the peace in letting go, and trust the process while learning to love yourself thru the treacherous moments when you second guess-remembering there’s more than just yourself being affected-than you will learn value strength trust and patience in their rawest forms and it will make you all the better on the other side of it
the other side in this equation is the day I can finally see you and say,
“I Love You So Much Josiah, Happy Birthday” and then give you a hug because you might just be too big to want your dad kissing on ya cheeks…but it doesn’t mean I still won’t try!
programmed to fail
we live with these statistics
alive the moment we’re born
we live by
believe
and we succumb to these statistics that set the bar-
our bar-
a bar too low to limbo
and so we fall
and stay down
because rising seems so far up
therefore, impossible
as if getting your footing on mud atop a sheet of ice
these statistics name problems
we become the problems
and all problems get judged
then punished
where that statistic,
gets reinforced
and proven
and so we succeed…
in failing
then we arrive at the mansion of All statistics
where people we long since seen
appear
now this mansion,
becomes a reunion
a block party of sorts
with familiar faces, hiding their pains
to make you feel comfortable
inside the new home of your misery
because misery loves company
and company gets comfortable…too comfortable
but when we leave the mansion
if we leave…
we leave out, the same age we came in
and the world long since has aged
and we are again uncomfortable
but misery loves company
and you keep the company you know
so we’ll succumb to that statistical label again
and again, unconsciously programmed
programmed to do nothing more
to be nothing more
but that statistic
and so to the mansion you’ll find yourself
where the world looks familiar
and comfortable again
where the limbo is at your feet
and you finally feel above something