I don’t feel you’ll know me,
if I ever tell you
I don’t believe I’ll ever tell you,
what you’ll never get
the more you know,
the less of me you’ll want
the less you have,
the more secrets I can keep
because telling everything,
doesn’t give you everything
and knowing everything,
will keep you from wanting everything
though you hate the distance between us,
at least, it conceals the difference within us
just keep enough distance between us,
because there’s too much different, between us
Inside
judged
I need a jury
but not of my peers
I have no peers
you see their appearance?
how does it appear?
how does it compare?
do they see the mirror?
do they see I’m rare?
can’t they see their rear?!
while they judging my past!
judging my path!
they don’t know the half!
divided by half,
well, then maybe perhaps?
but fear overlaps
just get off of my back!
know me
I seek to
decrease prejudice
and increase understanding
please stop judging
without knowing
because
I’m sentenced to a hurt-
lasting longer than that moment you judged me for
in denial
Prison is walking inside of the world,
barely making it back out with a story to tell;
knowing an inner truth so fatal,
yet somehow its exterior hides too well;
prison is like entering the thoughts of a person,
trying to understand why they act the way they do;
finally discovering a breakthrough in reason and behavior,
but your findings are denounced because of your record and lack of title, so nobody listens to you…
I don’t look beneath me like a giant
I don’t look beneath me like a giant
leave me to my own devices
I see poltergeists
and many guises and many guys in different disguises
despise and spite of all kinds mixed with defiance
Connectedly disconnected like Verizon
I’m sharp like a trident
I fight til my triumph
collide with a titan
so I don’t know what it means when you say you trying
just so I could journey further, I’ll push beyond resistance like a hymen
coming forth wit my demons inside me
and my conscience behind me
no mirrors, mirrors remind me
that I still can’t ever find me
feel like a vampire inside it
believe me I try to keep my sanity vise gripped
but you only hold on to those things worth holding onto, like prizes
I run from normalcy dodging like Chryslers
take heed to the blind because they see more than just eyelids
I’m living lifeless
I’m feeling like life is
fulfilling with crisis
no one is righteous
no one is right then
remember the innards of gates
the embers of hate
and what they did to your faith
succumbing to the dysfunctional family members of fate
critics dismember your name
all agendas considered til you begin to deflate
November December the same
celebrating mere moments, hello hollow days-
thank u for giving me minutes of fame
no signal but calling out timber-
my temper can’t always hang
when the temperature change
cold weather hinders the rain
glimmers of clarity, shimmered
then parody slithered and entered right into my injured yet enduring brain
I figured its pain
a symptom, system and gender of gain
numb on the surface yet my center is shame
feel like the winter, inside of me ugly, my inner is vain
but I won’t pretend to be beautiful, these are the rigors of change
I am no victim
I have the resolve of a victor
fear is evicted
u can’t fit in the picture
but I’ll pour you a pitcher, in case your image is drained
maybe you’ll get it, or maybe u can’t
I welcome the strain
I wanna get what I can’t
I battle restraint
my vivid words depicting inner symbols of deeper peace and wisdom
rekindled like memory,
deciphering details-
in dramatic paintings searching for deeper meaning between the pixels and grain
I’m just tryna behold the art inside of my frame
Cast Away
Preyed upon by light
I pray for darkness
a grim body cast
shielding my skin from the eyeing rays of exposure
to which I fought my whole existence
having yet to live
These stark contrasts battle inside
at war with light
darkness will suffice
who doesn’t hide
I rather hide
I…. need….. to….. hide….
for peace of mind
exposure steals a piece of my-
peace of mind
too hard to confide
within these lighted confines
as if I’m sequestered by detectives
I feel the building of pressure
fumbling my coerced existence
it’s not easy from this point of view
being a spectacle
amongst the biggest spectator
my truth isn’t one size fit all
so why speak what wouldn’t be believed
I’m nothing and no one to be believed
or believed in
believe me
what’s belief but a strong thought
I’m too weak for any strength to be invoked upon
or summoned from me
faith doesn’t exceed beyond my fingers
nor sight
I see more at night seizing my nocturnal sunshine
please keep me asleep in the light of day
fore if I come to, I may be blind
shadows captured and depicted
on the outer feathers of your wings
what’s a candle’s glow inside of the sun
still hidden,
so even you, light, can be hidden
only to the darkness can you be seen
but I bid you good riddens
because you arrive without permission
enchanting my vision as with any glow
beautiful promises arise
either advertised, or implied
so imagine a bug’s surprise
allured to light
just to die
with not enough time lasting regrets of all kinds
you’re clever darkness-
your blanket is poised, peaceful, serene
though the light cuts at you with its mighty sharp and searing sword
slicing a seam of ripped unknown and within one crack you are soon probed,
discovered then destroyed
there’s never been enough room for you both like me,
darkness you’re so misunderstood
light is anything but understanding
empathetic or compassionate
its savage-like and impulsive!
raging its way through everyone’s life
conceding to nothing and no one.
A power truly unchecked
laughing at its counterbalance’s weak attempts
my regrets
my shame
my hurt
my heartache
my trauma
my truth
All vulnerable now because of your insincerity
I’m victimized yet again
falling prey to your self righteous ego
what gives you such majesty
who grants your divine-like supremacy
why are you more weapon to each wound revealing my wreckage
causing more hurt than healing
more nakedness than clothing
more questions than answer
more fear than love
boastfully claiming my access to fulfillment
decreeing my wholeness, telling me to stand upright
while the gravity of your shine buckles my knees
bearing the weight of your accusations
I am no masochist
how could I exalt my own torment
I feel like a sheep within the jaws of a wolf
never wanting your company
only privacy,
now my secrets to bare
embarrassingly my privates peered at by peers
I’m not ready
you force me
you push me
you entice and egg me on
leading me astray leaving me stranded to deal with my unfolding
my feared undoing
I held it together for so long but now I’m unraveled like the flowers
you shine down on
who are you to look down on me
you’re no different than the others
at least darkness comforts clothes and blankets me
coming around me like a warm embrace
not looking down at me like scalding discipline I’ll never…
wait someone is looking at me
someone sees me
how could…?
everyone is seeing me
noticing me
as I walk by
even moving around instead of thru me
oh great they’re just avoiding me
now that’s worst than being invisible
now that they see me, how could they now ever stand to look at me?
to be seen is to want to be loved but who will love me more questions more fears you see?!
torment
how can you see me
why do you even see me
why haven’t you turned away
turning yourself off in my unveiling
I’m no beautiful bride of any kind
a lowly morsel or shell of a man human,
more like it
I’m no gift,
I’m unpleasant just presently a presented present of pretense a peasant with no presence
and still you allow me
to stand in your glory
casting my own shadow
I have a shadow?!
before you…
all I’ve ever been was a shadow
how am I deserving of a follower
how is my symmetry worth outlines
I thought myself deformed now…
reformed without saying a word
you said all there ever was to say
showing me what my mind couldn’t conceive
just look at myself
lights embrace my arrival cascading in my wake
never leave me again fore I wasn’t ready for you
but now I’m unready without you
every fear hasn’t dissipate
quite a few still bubble at my surface
but I blend in
just another promising spirit to be shined upon
and darkness now casted away.