Inside

safe distance

March 12, 2020 by Russell Wardlow Leave a Comment

I don’t feel you’ll know me,
if I ever tell you
I don’t believe I’ll ever tell you,
what you’ll never get
the more you know,
the less of me you’ll want
the less you have,
the more secrets I can keep
because telling everything,
doesn’t give you everything
and knowing everything,
will keep you from wanting everything
though you hate the distance between us,
at least, it conceals the difference within us
just keep enough distance between us,
because there’s too much different, between us

judged

March 10, 2020 by Russell Wardlow Leave a Comment

I need a jury
but not of my peers
I have no peers
you see their appearance?
how does it appear?
how does it compare?
do they see the mirror?
do they see I’m rare?
can’t they see their rear?!
while they judging my past!
judging my path!
they don’t know the half!
divided by half,
well, then maybe perhaps?
but fear overlaps
just get off of my back!

know me

March 8, 2020 by Russell Wardlow Leave a Comment

I seek to
decrease prejudice
and increase understanding
please stop judging
without knowing
because
I’m sentenced to a hurt-
lasting longer than that moment you judged me for

in denial

March 6, 2020 by Russell Wardlow Leave a Comment

Prison is walking inside of the world,
barely making it back out with a story to tell;
knowing an inner truth so fatal,
yet somehow its exterior hides too well;
prison is like entering the thoughts of a person,
trying to understand why they act the way they do;
finally discovering a breakthrough in reason and behavior,
but your findings are denounced because of your record and lack of title, so nobody listens to you…

I don’t look beneath me like a giant

February 25, 2020 by Russell Wardlow Leave a Comment

I don’t look beneath me like a giant
leave me to my own devices
I see poltergeists
and many guises and many guys in different disguises
despise and spite of all kinds mixed with defiance
Connectedly disconnected like Verizon
I’m sharp like a trident
I fight til my triumph
collide with a titan
so I don’t know what it means when you say you trying
just so I could journey further, I’ll push beyond resistance like a hymen
coming forth wit my demons inside me
and my conscience behind me
no mirrors, mirrors remind me
that I still can’t ever find me
feel like a vampire inside it
believe me I try to keep my sanity vise gripped
but you only hold on to those things worth holding onto, like prizes
I run from normalcy dodging like Chryslers
take heed to the blind because they see more than just eyelids
I’m living lifeless
I’m feeling like life is
fulfilling with crisis
no one is righteous
no one is right then
remember the innards of gates
the embers of hate
and what they did to your faith
succumbing to the dysfunctional family members of fate
critics dismember your name
all agendas considered til you begin to deflate
November December the same
celebrating mere moments, hello hollow days-
thank u for giving me minutes of fame
no signal but calling out timber-
my temper can’t always hang
when the temperature change
cold weather hinders the rain
glimmers of clarity, shimmered
then parody slithered and entered right into my injured yet enduring brain
I figured its pain
a symptom, system and gender of gain
numb on the surface yet my center is shame
feel like the winter, inside of me ugly, my inner is vain
but I won’t pretend to be beautiful, these are the rigors of change
I am no victim
I have the resolve of a victor
fear is evicted
u can’t fit in the picture
but I’ll pour you a pitcher, in case your image is drained
maybe you’ll get it, or maybe u can’t
I welcome the strain
I wanna get what I can’t
I battle restraint
my vivid words depicting inner symbols of deeper peace and wisdom
rekindled like memory,
deciphering details-
in dramatic paintings searching for deeper meaning between the pixels and grain
I’m just tryna behold the art inside of my frame

Cast Away

February 19, 2020 by Russell Wardlow Leave a Comment

Preyed upon by light

I pray for darkness

a grim body cast

shielding my skin from the eyeing rays of exposure

to which I fought my whole existence

having yet to live

These stark contrasts battle inside

at war with light

darkness will suffice

who doesn’t hide

I rather hide

I…. need….. to….. hide….

for peace of mind

exposure steals a piece of my-

peace of mind

too hard to confide

within these lighted confines

as if I’m sequestered by detectives

I feel the building of pressure

fumbling my coerced existence

it’s not easy from this point of view

being a spectacle

amongst the biggest spectator

my truth isn’t one size fit all

so why speak what wouldn’t be believed

I’m nothing and no one to be believed

or believed in

believe me

what’s belief but a strong thought

I’m too weak for any strength to be invoked upon

or summoned from me

faith doesn’t exceed beyond my fingers

nor sight

I see more at night seizing my nocturnal sunshine

please keep me asleep in the light of day

fore if I come to, I may be blind

shadows captured and depicted

on the outer feathers of your wings

what’s a candle’s glow inside of the sun

still hidden,

so even you, light, can be hidden

only to the darkness can you be seen

but I bid you good riddens

because you arrive without permission

enchanting my vision as with any glow

beautiful promises arise

either advertised, or implied

so imagine a bug’s surprise

allured to light

just to die

with not enough time lasting regrets of all kinds

you’re clever darkness-

your blanket is poised, peaceful, serene

though the light cuts at you with its mighty sharp and searing sword

slicing a seam of ripped unknown and within one crack you are soon probed,

discovered then destroyed

there’s never been enough room for you both like me,

darkness you’re so misunderstood

light is anything but understanding

empathetic or compassionate

its savage-like and impulsive!

raging its way through everyone’s life

conceding to nothing and no one.

A power truly unchecked

laughing at its counterbalance’s weak attempts

my regrets

my shame

my hurt

my heartache

my trauma

my truth

All vulnerable now because of your insincerity

I’m victimized yet again

falling prey to your self righteous ego

what gives you such majesty

who grants your divine-like supremacy

why are you more weapon to each wound revealing my wreckage

causing more hurt than healing

more nakedness than clothing