I’m not myself
I am not ‘my’ self
I am another self-
an ‘other’ self
I do not know if I had a self I owned
is anything ever truly yours in this life?
self-autonomy, sovereignty, and proprietor
all just exaggerated synonyms of independence
but I feel like someone else
a different self
a self that is not necessarily mine
but also, not not mine
just a self unidentified
or a self that surfaces opportunely when care is lost,
and control is forfeited
an emotionally uninhibited self
that sways like the rough winds at sea
to the rhythm of dark energies
and the eery orchestra of vocal frequencies projecting from my mind summoned by the immediate environment that has plagued my peace
clinging to it like moss foresting the century’s sunken titanic
or barnacles upon my White Whale of Serenity
in other words
I’m acting outside of my self
and have given into the causation of the conditions imposed upon me
resistance is futile
as for now,
I hate
I anger
I hurt
I pain
I rage
I slump
I tire
I give, in-side out of me-no more
Spirit
Evolved Light
inside my lair of reasons and unknowns-
deep as the ocean floor’s fluorescent inhabitants-
there are secrets, hopes, dreams, and well wishes
adorned by an insatiably hungry darkness
and like these see-through seafloor creatures,
I too, have had to evolve into my own light
so I can see
so I can survive
so the things inside my lair can thrive in the light
What Type of Time You On?!
this is the dark, where they hide light
protect your heart, hind, and blindside
because war is the highlight
your ceiling is a twilight
and your floor is full of blind mice
there is no fistfights, only knife fights
fight for your life fights
before you can fight for your rights,
you have to fight for your likes,
for the end of each night,
where you can die or take life flights
you ride like a knight, align sides-
comprised with your might-
to describe and define size
ties cosign time
pied pipe, and lies lobotomize,
dried eyes, cries will compromise life
you can’t hide, only disguise and rise like-
climbed heights,
time in the limelight, will assign hype
and pay with your life, because life is the right price
because this time, is the ride or you die type
Quagmire
the more I study
the more I educate myself
the more I learn
the more I grow
the more I evolve
the more distant I feel from you
all of you
and your ideas of reality, life, and how it’s lived
but the struggle of it all is that,
you all are who I want to share this Newfound land with
yet I can’t, because your comfort is blanketed in what is
which is my, ‘was’
and I doubt any of you would embrace the unfamiliar like I would,
like I do
because the unfamiliar is all I’ve ever known,
all I’ve been accustomed to
and you all only knew me while I was trying to fit inside your customs
just to feel like I was a part of your whole
so I’m tortured by the urge to share
by the reality of, knowing some treasures just have to be kept to yourself,
myself
because not everyone will recognize and appraise the same value to the things you discover as gifts
even if it was, is, or can be a key to a door of a much vaster and beautiful world
so here again, I must be lonely
because the more that I discover in myself and this life
may only be cherished alone,
because no one else will understand,
or care too
how many would willingly free fall from all they knew,
parachuting to an idea of a fuller freedom that may not manifest in material means?
I try to be a student of history and a child of the spirit
but that choice is likened to being alone with a pure truth and infinite power
which most could care less about
unless they could see and feel the immediate impact in their lives
such is the irony of those who also choose to live a faith-driven life
our language may never be the same
forever parsed by distant dialects of existence and experience
because while I can understand everyone else
almost no one else will, or can, understand me,
which is to better understand themselves
a self, that most will never know-
and never know that they do not know-
so what does it matter what I know,
if they prefer not to know, more?
or me?
although this loneliness bears more gifts, than a curse
because it’s the gifts that create the loneliness
but that’s the thing about a curse,
it traps you in what seems like an inescapable spell
but this spell,
is of discovering truth and freedom
but who gives a damn
and so lonely, and damned, I am
Honor Thy Struggle
the strength you think you have…
fits the life you live
ingest my struggle
possess its skin
swallow its pride
live its life
see its sights
hear it’s sounds
feel its feelings
bear its wounds
be above its average,
then expect and accept less
battle the world and the mirror
and still smile
then strength won’t be such a universal word
it’ll have a more profound meaning
it’ll be earned
and maybe,
just maybe you and I
can see one another eye to eye
understanding and respecting each other,
as equals
because in my life, we respect the struggle
struggle is the triumph
struggle is the stripes
Best of Both Wars
contemplating my death
before my life contemplated its life
before my life conceived its own life
and now my death awaits my life
and my life awaits death
I’m stuck in between the two wars
and this is my existence
sometimes I thrive
sometimes I survive
but in this great in between, I just vibe
because it is what it is
and that is my way of life
and I am, WayOfLife
so let it be the way
and let the way, be
so be it to suffice, until another way surfaces
until then,
life and death both await me
and I defy them both, by just being me
the best of both wars