Quagmire

the more I study
the more I educate myself
the more I learn
the more I grow
the more I evolve
the more distant I feel from you
all of you
and your ideas of reality, life, and how it’s lived
but the struggle of it all is that,
you all are who I want to share this Newfound land with
yet I can’t, because your comfort is blanketed in what is
which is my, ‘was’
and I doubt any of you would embrace the unfamiliar like I would,
like I do
because the unfamiliar is all I’ve ever known,
all I’ve been accustomed to
and you all only knew me while I was trying to fit inside your customs
just to feel like I was a part of your whole
so I’m tortured by the urge to share
by the reality of, knowing some treasures just have to be kept to yourself,
myself
because not everyone will recognize and appraise the same value to the things you discover as gifts
even if it was, is, or can be a key to a door of a much vaster and beautiful world
so here again, I must be lonely
because the more that I discover in myself and this life
may only be cherished alone,
because no one else will understand,
or care too
how many would willingly free fall from all they knew,
parachuting to an idea of a fuller freedom that may not manifest in material means?
I try to be a student of history and a child of the spirit
but that choice is likened to being alone with a pure truth and infinite power
which most could care less about
unless they could see and feel the immediate impact in their lives
such is the irony of those who also choose to live a faith-driven life
our language may never be the same
forever parsed by distant dialects of existence and experience
because while I can understand everyone else
almost no one else will, or can, understand me,
which is to better understand themselves
a self, that most will never know-
and never know that they do not know-
so what does it matter what I know,
if they prefer not to know, more?
or me?
although this loneliness bears more gifts, than a curse
because it’s the gifts that create the loneliness
but that’s the thing about a curse,
it traps you in what seems like an inescapable spell
but this spell,
is of discovering truth and freedom
but who gives a damn
and so lonely, and damned, I am