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Prose of a Con

Poetry and Prose by Russell Wardlow

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Love

Wondered

January 24, 2020 by Russell Wardlow Leave a Comment

Twinkle twinkle lonely star

I wonder…

if alone

are you still hot enough

to warm the cold space that surrounds you?

do you affect your environment

or like us mortal,

just consumed by it?

for we only see the luster of your exterior

like each other

aware of your chemistry

we act as if your composition is solely elemental

is their life in you

a destiny

a humanity calling out within your celestial nature,

are you made to shine within a whole

or apart and alone

heating the cold

because you rarely stand out

stars so far from you,

shine and seem so close

ironic..

how it can seem so crowded up there

and its anything but

maybe sad even

seeing so many

but knowing no one

disconnected

aware of what makes you the same

though distance is difference

just like people

those closest shine brightest

but you still wonder about the others out there

do they feel like you..

maybe we’re the same

you and I

never truly alone

though we feel it

finding our way

being stuck in place

and somehow we still stand out

or shine, so to speak

seen for what we offer

a small light

thru the sucking darkness

twinkle twinkle

I no longer wonder

Filed Under: Culture, Love, Spirit

Lost Feels

January 22, 2020 by Russell Wardlow Leave a Comment

Why does my hand go thru you every time I try to, touch

why do I always seem to fail every time I try to, love

why do I always feel like I fall when I try to get, up

I don’t know what you feel like anymore

I don’t know what love feels like anymore

I don’t know what up feels like anymore

I don’t know what us feels like anymore..

Filed Under: Inside, Love, Trauma

Paralysis

January 21, 2020 by Russell Wardlow Leave a Comment

Some days I think I fell and must’ve bust my head-

I see stars

never knowing where I stand-

the floors gone

balancing on wobbly legs-

an earthquake

feeling every step is near the ledge-

oops

I never seem to understand-

I’m con-fused

everything you claim to have said-

am I deaf?

only hearing your judgement in my head-

I’m guilty?

makes me wonder what the hell I plead-

no contest it only made me need you less and less-

like weight gain

I think I must’ve fell and bumped my head-

migraines..

waking on the wrong side of the bed-

I’m cranky seeing more of you at my worst times-

feel I’m dizzy you only remind me, of my worst times-

you been busy

listen to you? do you listen to yourself

besides,

how can you help me, if you can’t see that you need help

try lifting me up, I feel buried

say its tough love, but I feel the contrary

everything you say gets contradicted

no wonder I struggle with confidence

using me like condiments

doing things for compliments-

you’re welcome

whats the moral of a story

when you you only tell a morsel of the story

there’s no gift in giving something you don’t want

don’t tell me loss is good,

just to feel you’ve won

damn!

you make me feel I fell and bust my head

I no longer feel my arms and legs-

I’m paralyzed

Filed Under: Culture, Inside, Love, Trauma

Professing

January 20, 2020 by Russell Wardlow Leave a Comment

I wish I could find the time,

to tell u that I love u

somehow I can’t find the time,

to tell myself the truth

I’m still a child at times,

so what do I know about love?

but will u be my Valentine,

I can only take u a day at a time.

Filed Under: Inside, Love, Spirit

Love Challenge

January 20, 2020 by Russell Wardlow Leave a Comment

Truth or Dare?

Love somehow has always been hard to receive, and only selectively given in my experience, maybe its the same with you? But Love at its core shouldn’t have qualifiers, maybe intimate Love, but not the basis of Love. That’s a hard concept to conceive somehow, maybe its that way because we don’t all view ourselves as equal and describe people by their difference. I guess with social norms involving communication that target a persons features before it accepts a persons sameness, no wonder its hard to see us as all the same. Its been hard for me to not either sexualize women, or compete with and size up another man based off how I view him next to myself-a view which cant be that great if people are automatically a challenge or fantasy in my limited lens comparing who I was and how’d that image would fit with what I viewed the other person to be. So I tried, and am trying this “Love Challenge”. Because we are all one, we are all people, we are all one race, and color is a feature, background is an explanation, culture is a facet, language is communication, clothing is a comfort, opinion is a preference, habit is a choice, life is an experience and perception is an understanding…but none of these are things that make us different at our core. So how can we just focus on Loving one another? Well I figure, instead of trying to acquire these qualifiers of who a person is, what they did or do, what they like or believe…we just focus on Loving them because they are people and deserving of Love, just as you are. How many times do you hear something about a person and instantly you judge it to the person you believe yourself to be, and that judgement decides if this person is worthy of your Love and how much of it you will give? That;s not right, Love shouldn’t be value based, that is a means of separation, not inclusivity. Because make no mistake about it, interacting is an act of Love, life is a proclamation of Love, smiling is a show of Love, greetings are a symptom of Love, what we do, can be an act of Love in all its forms if we choose it to be, while stripping away our blockers, and seeing thru the lens of Love. So here’s the challenge, go up to a person and say, “I Love You, I don’t know you and I don’t need to, because it doesn’t matter, you deserve Love and deserve to know that you are Loved regardless of anything else because it is not my business”. Given that Love should be a natural gift and present for us, we should all react beautifully, but since we don’t treat Love with the Love it deserves, we will see the truth, the damage we’ve done to ourselves and this world, because most people reaction will not display comfort and gratitude. But you can’t deny the affects of an act of Love, they will think on it all day, and will more likely speak about it and repeat it because how it made them feel, just as you will continue the act because how it made you feel! Maybe a friend will be gained, an important dialogue will be struck, a life will be changed and saved, or at the bare minimum, you showed someone something other than hate fear and indifference, sending positive energy out into the world and it will manifest the same positive energy back(reciprocity). So if I can say this to men- of all people, in prison- of all places, with a smile and contentment regardless of the response, than you have no excuse…try it once and remember how it made you feel, it’ll change you for the better! Then maybe you’ll treat Love better, hence treating people better, and treating yourself better proclaiming out loud who you are and what you and everyone else deserves…which is Love. There shouldn’t be a prerequisite time or moment to confess Love, the time is now! Love isn’t cliche nor taboo, hate fear intolerance indifference and separation should be! Instead we should be inseparable from

Love!

No matter who you are, I Love You!

#lovechallenge

I dare you!

Rules: when you see familiar people or unfamiliar people, you have to tell them that you love them, with no filler words, you are able to explain the why, but you have to be direct sincere and compassionate about it no matter the reaction you receive, be content and smile and either move on or share dialogue and let Love take you where it does and take a mental inventory of how people respond to you and how you begin to feel throughout the week. Embrace the discomfort, its where life begins!

You have to do this for a full week! but I bet you’ll make a habit of it

the moment the word comes to your mind, don’t hold it in, spew it almost unconsciously, because that’s how frequent Love deserves to be given, unconsciously automatic. Our spirit is endearing, so be who you are at your core-endearing, which is tirelessly Loving, mindful, compassionate, empathetic, welcoming, and unifying

Be contagious and spread it

ready?

set?

Love!

Filed Under: Culture, Love, Spirit

Bruh, I Get It

January 20, 2020 by Russell Wardlow Leave a Comment

True story

I listened

offering my heart translated through words

presence and attentiveness

watching as his facial features tried remaining masked

but I saw thru the facade

knowing who he was at that moment-

a hurt and broken man,

struggling to hold it all together

though he was none the wiser of my discovery

but I get it

not being able to see his kids

no visits since he’s been locked up

a wife being everything to other men but a wife to him

even though he didn’t have much time to do

but I guess any time gone, is time too long

he knew she lied

she’d asked him how does he know

he responded that he could feel it-

deep in his heart

catching her off guard I’d imagine with such a deep revelation

coming from a man of all things

she told him she just wants to do her

and maybe they will get back together in the future

but he’d had enough

rejecting that offer immediately

knowing the devalue of self that would come from accepting that possibility

but not all love is right

and he’d done enough wrong

her explanation of concealing her deeds was ‘wanting to spare his feelings’ (cold…)

to that, he said

“what feelings?”

I got myself ripped from you and my kids being in this situation

the judge made sure he ensured the void

and you have ended any kind of relationship and marriage that we had

“what feelings?”

and I understood him

poignantly

painfully

a putrid feeling invading my re-collective past similar experience ending at the worst time for me

he said the reason it hurt is because he’s at his lowest

“leave me when I’m high but not when I’m at my lowest, when I can’t fend for myself”

but she reveled in the power she gained from his mistaken departure

not gone a second too soon it seemed

why does love continue to get diluted by power struggles?

his existence was now dark cold isolated and hollowed out

a hole carved inside fragments of what was once a heart

the story went on

and as he vented

I saw his resolve

restraint

and his reserve

I believed that real strength was a mysterious feat harnessed by women at deeper levels than men could ever reach

but seeing this man,

a reflection of myself

trying to hold it together

while speaking truth to his pain

still trying to reason and stay afloat

mmm

powerful!

I admired his will

I kept asking myself when will the dam break?

anticipating tears to spring down his trembling cheeks

I reveled at this moment,

seeing victory in him

no doubt she believed she took his fight

but I seen it brilliantly on his face

staying strong for his kids

and for his mom he just listened to cry

whom was flying in to see her grand babies for the first time

hearing the news of an abrupt change of plans by their mother leaving town

malicious

I began to take it in,

validation

we are more than thoughtless animals,

deserving of cages

though we are convicts,

we are people struggling through life like most

but what I wasn’t prepared for was hearing why he was here

he got a misdemeanor upgraded to a felony for a FIRST TIME OFFENSE DUI- refusal to blow though he consented at the station

this one small lack of judgement caused all of this

he did what most would get diversion or probation for

but he was black

so when he said

“what feelings?”

I understood what he alluded to

saying he lost it all

that he has to carry this the rest of his life

so what more is there to feel?

I get it

damn…

I feel you brotha

upon his face bears the greatest lie

while hiding the hardest truth

but his composure will not wilt like a flower in shade

not matter how dark it gets

strength

I told him that it is all a matter of how you choose to react

see what you’ve lost sight of in the midst of your discomfort

there may lie a gift-

a truth only revealed in despair

what I didn’t tell him is

that I’ve heard this same story countless times over the years

as the years have gone on,

my answers evolved

from being the story

to witnessing the story

now counseling the story

his pain was and still is mine

bruh, I get it

hold ya head solja.

Filed Under: Culture, Inside, Love, Mercy, Trauma

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Prose of a Con

Prose of a Con is a collection of Russell Wardlow’s prose and poetry written entirely behind bars. Through writings on family, spirituality, freedom, love, justice, redemption, and vulnerability, Russell seeks to show the humanity and hope of individuals like himself who are incarcerated.

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  • Objects June 30, 2022
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  • Hollow Symbols June 30, 2022

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