Poetry and Prose by Russell Wardlow
Damn…
it’s a sad life for a caterpillar
I wonder
what he sees when he looks up at the butterflies
I wonder
what he thinks crawling beneath them butterflies
I wonder
if the butterfly
that landed on the daffodil
looked down at the caterpillar
and remembered how it feels
Compassion goes a long way
empathy is too hard though
when you’re too busy feeling for yourself
you can’t feel nobody else though..
It’s hard to live a dream
when comfort what you reaching for
its hard to know love
when all you know is keeping score
its hard to see the grey
when you only believe in ‘either, or’
its hard to seize the day
when everybody sleeping lord..
You don’t know what it took for me,
to not be the man you don’t see
then to be the man that u see
you don’t know what I had to go thru,
to not be the man that I was
tho it wasn’t me
you don’t know how hard it is to sleep at night,
to dream the dreams that I dream
even tho they ain’t dreams
you don’t know how hard it is to look at you
and wonder what do you see
and if it’s really me?
If you lay in this bed,
it’s wit me and my ghosts..
too many dreams boxing with demons
next round, bell ringing
done coping, no pleading
cuts, though no gauze for the bleeding
screams caught in my throat
dry heaves as I’m breathing
guess I’m in this box for a reason
tried thinking outside it
I live with the lights off-
same as the black on the back of my eyelids
hope you aren’t scared of the silence
shhh! conscience ‘be quiet! you lying!”
she doesn’t mind it
I’m sorry, may talk in my sleep-
but I and my ghosts are colliding
no hiding
my air is in a vise getting siphoned
inside this mind of confinement
what’s real, what isn’t..nightmares are timeless
waking is like a fight for survival
but I hope you don’t mind it
Feeling this parasite inside my head
I think its trying get out
I do not blame it
inside is caved in
should’ve never came in
but if he makes it out-
maybe we can shake hands
and I’ll ask “how”
because I’m trying to get out too
I need to get out soon
I feel numb
I feel like I’ve lost touch
a hermit-
I never get out much
visions depicting regret
I’m just an upset
admit I obsess
quit! quick, switch the subject
forehead full of sweat
face full of tears
sorry I’m backed up
I’ve held them for so many years
I’ve held on for so many years
new days bring new fears
and I’m at the end of the pier
about to jump off
but I can not swim
tired of being stuck in myself
I tap out, I give..