I’m passionate I guess
I’m just an emotional wreck
my drive is crazy, my life I’ve been crash dummy
I ram into the fork prongs in every road, because split decisions appear too fast for me
my rearview is too near, I soon veer, then cruise by, embracing the scenery as souvenirs
I hoard the past, it controls my future but why can’t sooner be near
it’ll all get greater Russ, the sooner you’re here
yea yea I know, same quote rolling around at the end of every GoodYear
but I’m Tokyo drifting, I’m never present
I flee the moment, the bottom of my cup glitters resin
I try to cope, insoluble solutions attempt to blend but they end up drowning
don’t mean to be a downer
but I understand it better, what else is gravity for
I agitate gravel kickin rocks as my shoes drag with the floor
I binge on coffee, in need of stimulants
I don’t need your sentiments
I just want to be as free as I can be like speech and limitless
but my guilty pleas, bleed my innocents
the bandage don’t fit
the bandage can’t stick
and I’m just like it-I too am stuck in a bad place
pretend to be doing better than I am, like a famous catchphrase
(if u knew better, you’d do better)
pain is weakness leaving my body, but like the lucky number 7, just let me be weak
I could do without feigned excitement, doing time doesn’t call for it, just let me be bleak
this is my moment of pity
though I never do take it
I stand on this hill
and I yell I’m alive
just to see if u hear me
then maybe you’ll see me
get close and you’ll feel me
and maybe believe
that this life that I’m living just isn’t so easy!
I want to celebrate!
I want to be in a group of mutual love,
with family and friends that love me and wanna see me elevate
I wanna look in a mirror that isn’t in a prison
just to see if the reflection of me would be different
I wanna look out and beyond into a window that isn’t a prism
just to imagine if I could absorb the new perceived distance
forget my mugshot profile, I want to be remembered smiling
I want to be seen for my talents
and how I met every challenge
and how I swallowed every last drop of pride, because there was gallons
hydrated everyday as I faced my greatest competitor showcased in the mirror
bouquets and standing o-vays as I stand strong on two feet with two arms and both raised because I am fearless
I am culturally soulful, and the manifestation of spirit
buts its my flesh that gets trapped then continually judged as if I’m forever stuck in a mirror..to be continued
Out and In
If I’m looking outward than I won’t see inward
I can not look inward
the skin of a sinner
never say never, I’m more than the N word
I’m more than my torment
more than these torrential forces I forklift
I cant forfeit
I forget, my fort is, my forehead-my pride and feeling important
those feelings imported
are filled with assorted
concealments I’m on the floor with
praying, do u hear me calling?
outward I’m too tough, I fall on my gender
internally at war and I’m injured
my core is dismembered
I cant silence that inner-
me!
boxed in, I enter Pandora-
weak!
I endure this binge and bender
of mixtures
and vendors
of liquor
that enter
my memor-
ry
til I hemhor-rage,
I’m a cinder
brick,
at the bottom of river!
goodbye afflictions- au revoir!
I have no reserve in this reservoir
I do not feel regular
still, pain doesn’t register
and there’s not enough change in the register
so my change doesn’t register
I’m vane but a heckler
my shame is the messenger
my name is a question mark
my aim is left in the dark
I stray, I’m afraid of loss
everyday, comes with a cost
I walk the thin line of praying to the cross
and praying that I’m not crossed
I’m numb, help me feel!
I’ve always felt less safe, and less sacred
and more hatred and more hated
now I reside where they hate us
and cut off relations
because of our mistakes
but we’ve all been mis-taken
even temptation has stipulations
Lord!
I’m drowning give me breath
my talent gives me many, but the talons of true freedom sinks down within me
flesh!
I cant change how they see me, am I not more than my surface
or do I not want more than the service of that surface
time is circular, what’s goes around-I deserve this
but I still got reserve, I’ve preserved it
..reaped fruits-
spreading my fingers
contracting my knuckles
preparing to crawl
digging thru the dirt
earth stuck in my nails
perspiring
I’ma mess
but I pulled thru!
but this life is hard and at times I still look past you
they don’t know my journey
I didn’t need a gurney
every step I earned it
pro se in my struggles, I didn’t have attorneys
kept faith in the lowest moments, I didn’t have a clergy
at times I felt more blessed than being allergic
I stayed thirsty
separated myself from being in the herd and in a hurry
even while in this fight everyday waking up, looking unphased and still struggling to feel worthy!
because of your glory
I beat the statistics and became every month outside of February-I made it to 30
I couldn’t see past myself in the mirror, but now I recognize you
so when I look out, I’m no longer afraid to look within and see with your eyes too
I’m no longer the type that would hide my truth
I didn’t believe the hype of living right but the scriptures they recite has more wisdom in each bite then inside my tooth
Corinthians said I can’t be disguised by youth
because I just became a man, and if they ask how… I’ll just point to the sky as my truth
Motivational Speaker
What am I even doing here…like at this very moment? So I said I want to connect and inspire…hmm
What kind of a mind man or maniac can believe that they really have answers for people, that they can really help and make a difference?
I mean it has to be some kind of point of vanity, insanity, ego and pride, over self indulgence, over compensation, power hunger, or deflection of the up most form…I mean most of us don’t even know ourselves, nor can we say that we are confident and sure footed in all circumstances
And really, we all have different personalities and experiences and therefore we aren’t all acclimated to the same conditions, cultures, and language barriers
There is no one size fit all…so I guess what my lame attempt is that, maybe, just maybe I can help one person figure some semblance of something out by just speaking my truth, after all, we are all one…maybe there can be a connection to my story, thoughts, and experiences that someone somewhere can reflect on after seeing themselves or someone else they know that fits those same shoes..
Isn’t that what music and other art forms do?
Bring us together in our wholesome creative forms of expression that speak to the rawest parts of ourselves…maybe if we just started trying to just speak plainly about who we are, after awhile, we’ll start to see that we all aren’t that different…instead of proclaiming some socio-miracle formula for a better life and speaking at length about this recipe, maybe just slowing down to feel and express…that would work wonders…right?
Flight
To fall
is to fly
to fly
is to fall
for without one
oneness is lost
therefore,
this in between
that we navigate
is the fog
yet now,
in my heightened perspective
I contemplate perception
with only my minds eye
able to see the flight,
by embracing the fall.
the next stand I take-
I take with wings
vast enough to wipe away this fog
soaring free of all prisons
Illusion of Conformity
Been lonely for so long
though so afraid to stay lonely
afraid of company
afraid of companions
I need companion…ship?
or maybe company
but what will company want from me,
when it comes for me?
have no-things,
and nothing to offer
if I am the offer-its not much of an offer
don’t pick me up
go head-let me down
no need for pick-me-ups
used to being a let down
used to being let down
rather stay down
downing
downer
downward
drowning
droning
drowsy
drifting
dreaming
what’s more lonely than sleeping?
pray you wake up!
wrong company makes you lonely still
peering through your illusion-I notice we’re both alone
only you have yet to notice,
what I decided to know
sometimes,
hate I ever woke up
can’t sleep a life away
don’t sleep your life away
you’ve slept your life away
although I may die today
however lonely,
at least the least I can say,
is, I’m awake
Twilight
Twilight
luminescent sparks rekindle
as if a fire has been lit
embers shimmer,
and glow like flecks of gold
embroidered within a collage of colors
making the illusion of a honey drop-
falling-
as if an embalmed-like tear
seeing her eyes
captured so much in mere moments
what was time?
every thought cascaded
every word uttered unintelligibly
every movement felt suspended-
imprisoned within this prism of paragonic proportions-
happenings fossilized into radiant distortions
views trapped in museum-like fashion,
set for meticulous display
but this was au-natural
if I ever knew of anything being so
then a, click!
like a lens capturing a moment
I swear I even heard the sound capturing ‘this instant’
but it was just a blink
and she said,
Hello!
same time, it sounded like,
Goodbye!
in one even tone
not letting on to her meaning…
then it all went White!
I don’t even remember her going
but she was
for what seemed
so far away from me,
as to no longer seem real anymore
akin to waking up from a sudden dream
trying to hold onto certain clips which reeled so vividly
eyebrows now laden with sweat
noticing my new entrapment
potent and poignantly poetic-
I became a prisoner of the moment
shaking my head at how freedom can seem so close
yet so far
so real
yet vanish suddenly
so right natural and forever
yet stolen in moments time
is life even real
these illusions that fade right before our eyes
into nostalgic and decrepit memories
I felt betrayed
as if my right to air was harshly knocked from my diaphragm
desperately gasping for minuscule molecules of breath
just to feel alive again
I’m not greedy
the more I have, the more I can lose
I’ll grab what I little I can bear
so fragile…vulnerable
the things we cherish and feel owed
what is sovereignty,
when the very peace it promises can be stripped from possession
as if it was never yours to have
is anything mine?
is anything certain?
is anything forever..
when power and profits pummel the poor
when perception peers purpose in the pupils and punishes perdition
when promise is portrayed passionately to its progressive peril
when predatorial politics puncture the provisions of pursuit and peace
when procedures policies principles and presidents provide plenty prisons and few priorities for pained persons
when pundits and police, and false pretenses of peers, paint pictures of
proportional perimeter populations placed in poverty unable to prosper and unfit for piety and propriety
when patience patience patience seems more scheme to keep pedestrian positions in place
before the twilight dimmed
I stared into the fiery eyes of freedom
caught
captured
captivated
never knowing the symbolism-
of the falling illusion of honey in her eyes
a sweetness on its last drop-
marveling at her architecture,
and the promise of her foundation
her eyes went on for galaxies it seemed
click!
she was one blink away
from disappearing
caught in a new lens of prison
now I’m stuck in time
a prisoner of the moment #78756
its darkest before dawn
so I await her next blink
twilight