when a tear falls
I wonder
what does it collect
in the midst of its plummet
is it so weighed down by pain,
that gravity has an easier time pulling it down?
does it collect fragments of memories
and after it lands
what of it then?
ruled by emotions
perception is reality
perception is ruled by emotions
emotions create reality
but I don’t know how to feel
I don’t know how to express what I feel
I don’t know why I feel like I feel
because reality tells me what I feel is wrong
perception tells me that feelings are weak
so I hide emotions
or lie that I’m numb
because I fear what my emotions may mean
about me
you
life
reality…
I may always be cloaked in denial
because my main emotion is hurt
and I don’t know how to feel good
well, not at least as much as I feel bad
but i see it all
they say racism is dead
white privilege is a joke
get a job is the punch line
prejudice is the excuse
and stereotyping is a way of life…
everybody does it
but I see it all
real as day
here in prison
where what they say-
we live
there’s no joke
no punchline
and everybody does it
because
there’s no other choice
programmed to fail
we live with these statistics
alive the moment we’re born
we live by
believe
and we succumb to these statistics that set the bar-
our bar-
a bar too low to limbo
and so we fall
and stay down
because rising seems so far up
therefore, impossible
as if getting your footing on mud atop a sheet of ice
these statistics name problems
we become the problems
and all problems get judged
then punished
where that statistic,
gets reinforced
and proven
and so we succeed…
in failing
then we arrive at the mansion of All statistics
where people we long since seen
appear
now this mansion,
becomes a reunion
a block party of sorts
with familiar faces, hiding their pains
to make you feel comfortable
inside the new home of your misery
because misery loves company
and company gets comfortable…too comfortable
but when we leave the mansion
if we leave…
we leave out, the same age we came in
and the world long since has aged
and we are again uncomfortable
but misery loves company
and you keep the company you know
so we’ll succumb to that statistical label again
and again, unconsciously programmed
programmed to do nothing more
to be nothing more
but that statistic
and so to the mansion you’ll find yourself
where the world looks familiar
and comfortable again
where the limbo is at your feet
and you finally feel above something
2-23 to 5-8
in the midst of social distancing where you can’t get as close as a hand shook
now witness the colors of justice
just imagine…
how would taking the stand look-
like
if you were ambushed
and ran shook-
fright
from a father and son driving a truck towards a man on foot-
trying
to get away from what seemed to be a planned good-
night
where they would attack a black man jogging in broad day
light
and treat him like a crook
I
heard so many people say racism ain’t real and history is just something stuck in a book
right
cuz nobody lives and thinks that way about black people, besides who cares what you look
like
but again those same stigmas uncovered themselves and took
life
during this time where a pandemic had us all one, and coming together, dying regardless of what we look
like
but time and time again it seems justice had already pre-took
sides
Ahmaud Arbery
Ahmaud Arbery
AHMAUD ARBERY fought for his life!
a position he shouldn’t have been put in in the first place
and his family didn’t even get close to justice being exercised til almost three months later arraigned the day of his birthday
exercise
he was just out for an exercise
who would think jogging down a street would get your life jeopardized
with false claims of a series of break-ins just to OK two men being weaponized
harassing him just to fall back on stand your ground laws
where the shadows of two trucks was creeping on him like a groundhog
we politicize everything but Americas dirty truth is seldom confronted at town halls
while many racial epithets prejudices and systemic injustices sound off
in places like Georgia,
one of four states that dont legislate hate-
crimes
where you couldn’t get any closer to the true face of injustice even if you face-
timed
race is still a factor vaguely being heard thru the grape-
vine
where slurs work nerves to coerce concerns, but what you learn, is for a oppressed voice to be heard, it takes-
times
because everybody says its better than what it once was
but where’s the love for the families that lost loves
for the same motivations of what it once was
and it takes these acts to go viral before the rights and dignity of these colored victims to come up
my cultures post african history can be summed up
in a moment of silence, a moment of protest, then a moment of violence
because there’s been too many moments where tears corroded our eyelids
and if kids are promoted as priceless
then why does it feel like if the color dips, those colored kids are demoted and denoted as primates
we’re stuck in impoverished communities as a result of gentrification and live like crabs in a bucket
so it makes it easier for you to see and say how we kill ourselves so your attitudes towards us is summed up like, ‘eh, fuck it’
how can we ever calm down
if we can’t put our arms down
while another color raises their arms up
and with the pull, there’s a sound, and we fall gunned down
please somebody tell me what is the color of justice
because my rights feel handicapped bandaged and on crutches
‘cuz we’ve suffered, but the suffering continues, so change that suffix to ‘ing’
because we’re still suffering
with vague coverage
of our depleted numbers
it makes you wonder
what is the true color of justice
because Ahmaud Arbery is just another odd number
caught in a Glynn County suburb
that represents the temperature of our country when it comes to the death of coloreds
we just get more number with mourned numbers
just imagine
this IS justice imagined
Make it Your Own
I don’t read books front to back, well not nonfiction. I’m so against conformity to a point because mostly my life has been stereotyped and experienced so differently, that I figure why try to be like the very people and systems that look at me like I’m different while pressuring me to acknowledge accept and succumb to that difference and fall in line.
It doesn’t have to make sense to others, it suits me. Often we pick up so much of someone else’s philosophies and anecdotes, not giving our own mind enough credit to figure more out for ourselves, that we simply start living our life thru someone else’s lens and mind just because they have inherited certain acclaim and authority that we deem worthy of following. But why follow a leader step for step? If you seek to become a chef, it’s not by copying prior chef’s recipes to the tee, you mix a lot of you with a little of them as a base starting point. Applying your new knowledge to your own pallet, or experience in this example.
I like creating my own way, sometimes I don’t just build my theories from the ground up because I haven’t experienced every part of life, but often something I read triggers an urge for me to want to mold it to where it makes sense in my life and relationships, and therefore it seems more me and mine. Needing to constantly seek and inhabit someone else’s method doesn’t suit my personality. If its cold, I don’t just get a coat because you said so. I experience how cold it is and then I cover myself up accordingly to my comfort. So many people handicap themselves, making their learning and empowerment so dependent on others that they can never find themselves, ceaselessly hopping around from one quick fix to another groundbreaking method garnered with widespread public applaud cloaked within herd mentality.
We are powerful and vast enough to find our own answers while accepting pointers from people who have shared like experiences, but self help is largely based on your environment and experiences, there’s no one anecdote that transcends all cultures and experiences. I know it feels good to have role models or points of aspiration, but we don’t need to inhabit their whole being, we can be just as great as them in our own way. It’s you that determines how great the impact of others are because you have to respond and share it, but what if you shared yourself, then couldn’t you equally become great in some else’s eyes.
I’m not saying don’t read a full book because often I do get lazy, all I’m suggesting is pick out some things that really speak to you, don’t just mimic the whole title because how much of that is truly you versus what you just want people to see you as. We have to start getting more comfortable with ourselves and our truths, not just that of others.
Read to become more you, not someone else.