Trauma

the more I learn about me
the more I learn of our history
the more I learn about why I go through what I have
the more I learn about what you refuse to acknowledge on my behalf
the more I learn about what they refuse to teach
the more I learn about undertones, innuendos, and hidden/figures of speech
the more I learn about privilege keeping us at the feet of defeat
the more I learn about how hopes and dreams became misery and bleak
the more I learn about music dance and a beat
the more I learn about genres, cultures, trends, fashion, and food that we eat
the more I learn about the history of politics, policies, laws, prisons and police
the more I learn about gentrification, redlining, highways, and urban streets
the more I learn about invasions, religion, missionaries and the message they preach
the more I learn about education, integration, schools, indoctrination, and the lessons they teach
the more I learn about institutions, systems, programs, and government all which prey on the weak
the more I learn about statistics, ratios, quotas, and expectations for me
the more I learn about stereotypes, biases, racism, hate and the nature of beasts
the more I learn about social sciences, experimentation, conditioning, and how cycles repeat
the more I learn patriarchy, monarchy, democracy, north american slavery, perspective, perception, socialism, communism, Marxism, capitalism and I think
the more I question possessing, possessions, property, thieves, ownership, patens, control, and narratives which manipulate how we see
the more I question inheritance, reciprocity, karma, reparations, allowances, and scriptured promises to the meek
the more I question the amount of pride that I and we continue to drink
the more I question why, not will, but why don’t I have the will to hate you
why do I have to be patient with your process of understanding us
it takes work to be me,
it takes nothing for you to be
it takes work for you to understand, but it pays you nothing monetarily
it takes work for me to not hate you, and that has monetary value
because whether you know it or not, you control everything
and when you scream, the world comes running
and when I cry out, the world arrests me…just to protect your reality
and now my equality is a threat to your peace
because you benefitted from tilted scales that were just accepted
but as the scales begin to quake towards balance, you experience just a fraction of my disorientation and already you can’t stand it
now you feel oppressed
and those that look like you that try to right those wrongs, somehow you view them as traitorous, yet believe you are not part of the problem
irony
strength is in not hating you, not calling you out, catering to your comfort, having mixed relations and kids
though I feel the effects of your reign at this very moment
which is why I write right this minute instead of war
some of the best people I know, look like you
but most of the worst people I know and fear, look like you
and most people you know, either fear or hate people that look like me
history is clearly yours, its biggest winners and writers
most people that write about it even resemble you at startling numbers
but however one sided the consented truth appears, what’s clear is
you’ve got your fingerprints all throughout history, while mine you have swept under the rug, stolen and claimed as your own with the changing of names, or completely erased
but for the few goods you have done, for your shallow attempts at recompense, there’s so much bad that you ignore and still proceed forth with
because you still benefit from a supremacy consciousness that started with your Darwinism and all that studied under him, continuing where he left off
when you asked, we gave, we taught
yet you plotted, stole, conquered, and killed burned pillaged and enslaved to cover your tracks
making the world believe we were descended from monkeys and were only savages, so care of treatment towards animals never ruffled your christian feathers
your morality stayed intact
in order for you to continue benefiting off our backs
and my only question is, through it all, what did we ever do to you