overcompensating with, overindulged
processed foods
and I survive in this life, because
I don’t process, stimulants
I compartmentalize, reactions
there’s too much, to endure
too many, letdowns to climb out!
too much, darkness to overcome!
but, I get through
by going around, maybe I’ll stop by
a drive-thru
consuming something fried, and processed
substituting for, what hadn’t been processed,
yet, or still
but I digress, I’ll digest it all later
but for now, I still gotta live
suppose, it’s just part of my process
Trauma
Regardless, Life will Hurt the Same
I care less,
that you care less
you
are
care
less
that is careless
I’m
obsessed
possessed
you’re
processed
I’m
direct
I. crave. more
you. rather. less
I
progress
you
regress
I
express
you
repress
I
digress
you
suppress
I
confess
you
impress
because
you’re
depressed
and
I’m
depressed
so I
care less
that you
care less
nothing changed
more or less
because
stress
is stress
we’re all the same
I guess
The Nerve of You
you came to prison to be a leader
and a servant
and then some combo called a servant leader?!
and you wanna fool me about servant leadership
ohhhh
the nerve of you!
man I got a few choice words for you
and maybe a few verbs will do
before I let you teach me how to be a servant too
cuz ohhh!
the nerve of you!
you serving time
or serving life
while you got served child support
served misconduct reports
but now you wanna become a servant
doing acts of service
unfamiliar things make me nervous
what’s your aim, what’s the purpose?!
what other tricks you got? what am I, in a circus?!
what kinda person…
man I ain’t even heard of you!
ahhhh! the nerve of you!
you making us look bad
man you making yourself look bad
we stuck in the same place and got the same things to look at
and all we have, is now!
ain’t no point in tryna fix the past, shit don’t even look back!
you uppity and conservative now?!
the nerve of you!
you serving the shop jobs
on and off unit porter jobs
or you serving food
ohhhh, dude you a fool plus a tool too?!
the nerve of you!
how you gunna try to lead me
while you hear as a habitual.
assault.
robbery.
or murder too!?!
and you tryna make a difference
and make me different?
Jesus as my witness, the nerve of you!
you should be doing your time
methodically
forcefully
exploiting to get what you can,
and politically surgical
not wasting it trying to be sheepish, goody, ashamed, and misguidedly merciful
that’s prey in a land of predators,
and if they starve for food, they’ll murder you!
they won’t reciprocate and hand out whatever mercy due!
ahhhh the nerve of you!
busy tryna live for more than yourself
tryna give more of yourself
but that won’t help you survive,
so what will there be left to give of yourself?!
damn it, the nerve of you!
how can you…
I’m just…
lost!
look here,
the c.o.’s won’t protect you
the world will eject you
stereotypes and prejudices will select you
justice and equality will neglect you
born guilty, there’s nothing to confess to
fear will only address you
love will serve to duress you
peers will redirect you
prison won’t correct you
your girl will soon forget you
your family regrets you
your friends won’t even fret you
the moment will only test you
cuz you made too many mistakes to be successful!
religion hasn’t blessed you
faith has only hexed you
hope will misdirect you
and yet you still tryna be helpful?!
man you ain’t nothing special!
…
man,
you…
man you got some nerve, haha
man
man you are some one,
special
and all this deflecting wasn’t even working was it?
guess I was,
tryna feign protection from the things that make you wonder
I gotta be honest with you man
every day I feel sick to my stomach
I
I know something more,
I know something better,
I know I can be better
but it isn’t courage I covet
my failures hover
my fears are all covert
I subvert
and divert
then emersed into my worst mentally
then submerge from a dive board of misery
then diverge into an iceberg physically
then reemerge into the lies of my hurt literally
where I’ll hide into a thickened hide and die first literally!
before I expose the merch of what I reaped from my searched memories
concealed cries as I perch onto my side as I thirst spiritually
disguising my hollowed pride where I’ll fight first cuz my worst injuries
I’m the pitiful epitome of hypocritical tendencies
that will never allow me to bend a knee
or lend in need
I rather blend in weeds
than befriend or be a friend in need
because I been in need!
and service?
I dont know how to ask for it like a bended knee
although I have things to give
who would ever want what I have to give-I’m me!
ha…servant leadership
I admit,
it kinda makes you wonder
busy fearing what I don’t know,
and I didn’t know that I could be more…
more than…
than this number…
and all I’ve been doing hasn’t worked
it all served to get me here
away…
away from everything
the touch of my child and the hug from a mother
the approval of a father and the bond of my brothers
the protection of a sister and the free range of the road
so many sights,
sounds,
tastes
and more that once served me,
now
escape me
as you enter telling me to give more of myself
when I feel that I have nothing left to give
that everything has been taken or given away already
I never even conceived that I may have something else to offer
tuh, the nerve of you!
but I feel I’m electrically surging
because your lessons of service
served to give me a purpose
even as I felt worthless
as less than a person
when pain was lurking
deep beneath my surface
like a sea urchin
my pride uncoiling like a serpent
searching for diversion
obscuring any sermons
with aversion to conversion
but now…
these words that I’ve heard
give me something
something that may serve to help me become a better person
crafting better versions
of people in prisons of pain living behind curtains
how courageous you are, ha
the nerve of you
cuz you led me to see the We
showing me that I could lead as a servant too
Re-vealed
my truth isn’t excuse nor ungrateful
the progeny of your fear
resonates as hateful
do not dispel my voice
to the void of your avoidance
for I have something to say
today
and each day forth
for how else shall I be free
if I am not allowed to be me
let my truth be
let my truth breath
let my truth beam
and I will shine in your eyes
appearing as more than I was
when you only viewed my lies
assuming much less
because the color of my flesh
What We Do with What We Have
thinking of the life of Chadwick Boseman
how he lived
even as he died
unexpectedly
to us all
but knowing
to himself and wife
he did everything full of life
while deep down
he was literally suffering
and dying inside
taking us all by surprise
we inherit, what we inherit
it’s up to us to deem it as a blessing
or a curse
the curse, is that which we bear
if we choose to see it as such
but the blessing is in that which we give
if we decide to give
even when you rather not
feeling you’ve equally lost and given enough
no, it’s not fair
but that’s not the debate
the debate is
what will you will yourself to become
day in and day out
despite opposition
and will it be passed on
living beyond you
White Water Rafting
white water don’t take me
white water don’t take me
I can’t swim!
help me, save me!
why did I have to go,
white water rafting
the crush was quick,
it rocked me swift
the lust was too powerful,
it turned me over, where does all that power go?
the ‘must’ was a rip current,
it grabbed hold of me in a manner quite urgent
the trust, was an uncontrollable element,
as I was clearly out of mine for the hell of it
the hope was ominous and mighty,
I gave in to it hopelessly and felt so tiny
the love had me in too deep and conquered me,
and so I drowned in a feeling felt uncommonly
because the desire was too enticing,
it never slowed like the fast waters rising
and I was unable to learn and overcome,
I moved to slow, to survive and so I sunk