The Nerve of You

you came to prison to be a leader
and a servant
and then some combo called a servant leader?!
and you wanna fool me about servant leadership
ohhhh
the nerve of you!

man I got a few choice words for you
and maybe a few verbs will do
before I let you teach me how to be a servant too
cuz ohhh!
the nerve of you!

you serving time
or serving life
while you got served child support
served misconduct reports
but now you wanna become a servant
doing acts of service
unfamiliar things make me nervous
what’s your aim, what’s the purpose?!
what other tricks you got? what am I, in a circus?!
what kinda person…
man I ain’t even heard of you!
ahhhh! the nerve of you!

you making us look bad
man you making yourself look bad
we stuck in the same place and got the same things to look at
and all we have, is now!
ain’t no point in tryna fix the past, shit don’t even look back!
you uppity and conservative now?!
the nerve of you!

you serving the shop jobs
on and off unit porter jobs
or you serving food
ohhhh, dude you a fool plus a tool too?!
the nerve of you!

how you gunna try to lead me
while you hear as a habitual.
assault.
robbery.
or murder too!?!
and you tryna make a difference
and make me different?
Jesus as my witness, the nerve of you!

you should be doing your time
methodically
forcefully
exploiting to get what you can,
and politically surgical
not wasting it trying to be sheepish, goody, ashamed, and misguidedly merciful
that’s prey in a land of predators,
and if they starve for food, they’ll murder you!
they won’t reciprocate and hand out whatever mercy due!
ahhhh the nerve of you!

busy tryna live for more than yourself
tryna give more of yourself
but that won’t help you survive,
so what will there be left to give of yourself?!
damn it, the nerve of you!

how can you…
I’m just…
lost!
look here,
the c.o.’s won’t protect you
the world will eject you
stereotypes and prejudices will select you
justice and equality will neglect you
born guilty, there’s nothing to confess to
fear will only address you
love will serve to duress you
peers will redirect you
prison won’t correct you
your girl will soon forget you
your family regrets you
your friends won’t even fret you
the moment will only test you
cuz you made too many mistakes to be successful!
religion hasn’t blessed you
faith has only hexed you
hope will misdirect you
and yet you still tryna be helpful?!

man you ain’t nothing special!
…
man,
you…
man you got some nerve, haha
man
man you are some one,
special

and all this deflecting wasn’t even working was it?
guess I was,
tryna feign protection from the things that make you wonder

I gotta be honest with you man
every day I feel sick to my stomach
I
I know something more,
I know something better,
I know I can be better
but it isn’t courage I covet

my failures hover
my fears are all covert
I subvert
and divert
then emersed into my worst mentally

then submerge from a dive board of misery

then diverge into an iceberg physically

then reemerge into the lies of my hurt literally

where I’ll hide into a thickened hide and die first literally!

before I expose the merch of what I reaped from my searched memories

concealed cries as I perch onto my side as I thirst spiritually

disguising my hollowed pride where I’ll fight first cuz my worst injuries

I’m the pitiful epitome of hypocritical tendencies
that will never allow me to bend a knee
or lend in need
I rather blend in weeds
than befriend or be a friend in need
because I been in need!

and service?
I dont know how to ask for it like a bended knee
although I have things to give
who would ever want what I have to give-I’m me!

ha…servant leadership
I admit,
it kinda makes you wonder
busy fearing what I don’t know,
and I didn’t know that I could be more…

more than…

than this number…

and all I’ve been doing hasn’t worked

it all served to get me here

away…

away from everything

the touch of my child and the hug from a mother

the approval of a father and the bond of my brothers

the protection of a sister and the free range of the road

so many sights,
sounds,
tastes
and more that once served me,
now
escape me

as you enter telling me to give more of myself
when I feel that I have nothing left to give
that everything has been taken or given away already
I never even conceived that I may have something else to offer
tuh, the nerve of you!

but I feel I’m electrically surging
because your lessons of service
served to give me a purpose
even as I felt worthless
as less than a person
when pain was lurking
deep beneath my surface
like a sea urchin
my pride uncoiling like a serpent
searching for diversion
obscuring any sermons
with aversion to conversion
but now…
these words that I’ve heard
give me something
something that may serve to help me become a better person
crafting better versions
of people in prisons of pain living behind curtains
how courageous you are, ha
the nerve of you
cuz you led me to see the We
showing me that I could lead as a servant too