I can’t swim
maybe you’ve mastered doggy paddling for a moment
but with a speed-like panic and less calm across the surface of water
like me
but you never knew how exactly to swim with any finesse, skill or certainty
especially when it came to deepness
but then there’s a sudden panic that engulfs you at moments notice
without time to decide
the moment you see someone you love sinking
it overwhelms any sense of self
including self preservation
you don’t ponder what you can’t do
urgently you quickly think what you can do
and how
taking action without the self serving step we take of ensuring success
that would take too much time there’s no time to waste
any mental lapse is a time lapse
deciding life or death
seems there’s never enough time in life..
when meaning creeps into its fragile ever changing picture
you’ve always been a quick learner whenever reason was applied
with a great photographic memory
when it came to the simplicity of concepts
so within a second, you believe you can master in an instance
what has evaded your abilities throughout your lifetime
maybe it evaded you because of fear-
that crude calculation of self preservation
its roots in humiliation from failing what seems so natural and easy for most
although you struggle,
believing yourself too old for new tricks
making the decision to steer clear of all hardships the rest of your life
if you can help to at least
what’s the point of adding more struggle to this painful experience we call life
or maybe it’s the panic from the finality of failure and what that means
I mean, at some level, we all fear death
self preservation being a synonym for fear
but we trick our minds in the acts of courage bravery and love
after all, life is more mental than anything
once we can transcend the walls of our minds
than anything is possible…right?
and so you leap! –
a metaphor for faith diving thru the surface-
another metaphor,
for breaking through the shallowness to which you’ve existed
with will being your champion
and you reach and reach
but somehow
they seem as if they are falling faster than the dynamics of water would allow
faster than the horrible mechanics you’ve vaguely learned and held onto
ignorantly thinking you’d never need them
but you believe they are worth saving
so you can’t give up
too many have given up on you, you know the feeling
besides, they, wouldn’t give up on you right?
and still, you wouldn’t have done this anyway if you didn’t think there was a chance at success…would you?
maybe at some level, life becomes unbearable for most of us a
nd we entertain the thought,
the idea of death
but too cowardly to actually venture further than that selfish act of betrayal
always looking for a way out-
an easier path
but now here’s your excuse
a way for your life to finally mean something
Hero
or
Martyr, it seems
your options have never been so clear and honorable
you most definitely will be remembered in high regards
after all our humanity aches to be remembered
and so, in a sense, we will never die
that’s why history is so important
you can’t know where you’re going
if you don’t know where you’ve been
and who did it and how, first
the image of a frog comes to mind
and you do this wide bodied flail in the water
somehow picking up speed, and closing the distance
bridging the gap,
the gap that’s alluded you so much in life, love, and success
tormented by the days of past
that you just couldn’t seem to get passed
maybe you never will
but finding meaning has always held the gift of present
an escape from yesterday
as you near closer,
you see their eyes closed
noticing for the first time, that they just fell
without any fear resistance or panicked movement
almost resigned to their fate
or maybe …
no…
but
maybe it was planned
after all, you just saw the end of the fall
and made a split second judgement
just like life
decisions made without a full body of facts
framed by moments
though we chase history
we evade roots, cause, or reason…
and react to the symptoms
we just see the tail end of the fall
and dive in with our conclusions
you get close enough to grab them
you become mortally aware of one fact
you’ve never quite known how to hold your breath
I mean you got the concept
but being a surface dweller,
living your whole life without any depth
any discovery
afraid to dive in and explore the unknown
and the feeling of being in limbo with the very thing fueling life into your body every second
but you decided to live by avoidance
taking on the easy things that never made need of any risk
or a sacrifice plausible
you just never trained yourself how to die slow
because that’s what holding your breath is
and then the thought of the many levels and depths of dying slow
depending how deep you go…
I mean what’s the point in tempting fate?
safety was always the key to a meaningful life right
hurt does nothing but hurt better
to stay within your element
there’s trained scuba masters and the like whom decide to live on that edge
but this isn’t your expertise
and as you begin to suffer for air,
deep enough where the light of the surface is dimming
you grab them
with barely nothing left in you
facing them towards yourself
ready to rocket towards the surface
saving you both
then you notice something so chilling
that it stills you
and your fight for life alludes you
as you become face to face with them
because that person that was drowning
was you…
upon reflection…
this is how it feels when you give so much of yourself
that there’s no more air nor energy left for your swim back
resigned to your fate-
you close your eyes
and finally die outside like you had done your whole life so many times inside
I guess a hero or martyr
is part suicidal.