prisons are the new school’s, new schools
not education like they intended of course
kind of reward by consequence
I am not an inmate
I am a student
with an I.D.
like most colleges
studying inequalities
and harshness of mankind
learning social dysfunctions and disenfranchisement
learning cause and effect
learning the law of attraction
learning thoughts and behavior
learning punishment and reward
learning civil savagery
learning no mercy nor grace
learning prejudice and stereotypes
learning segregation
learning concentrated violence
learning occupied freedoms
learning sensory deprivation
learning isolation and alienation
learning desensitization
learning coping abilities
learning worth
learning bottom lines
learning addiction
learning depravity
learning cognitive dissonance
learning herd mentality, group think, and mob behavior
learning labels and their affect
learning systemic racism
learning hopelessness
learning affectionate starvation
learning to see hidden truths
learning insincerity
learning the power of money and privilege
and through all that
learning that I am resilient
learning more than you hoped for or thought possible
because when I was sentenced,
I was taught the most important lesson
words don’t teach
words may have imposed my sanctions, defining my punishment
but it was experience that was going to be the teacher of me
experience is the only teacher
words only explain the lesson
studying makes you knowledgeable about what’s being taught
but only experience,
provides understanding and wisdom of what’s being taught
and in here, I’ve found my words to accurately depict my experience
which can only make you aware and connected to my truth-
describing what you may not know
and will never properly learn
until you live this
expertise means nothing outside of these walls
because prison taught me
its the ‘experts’ that still don’t understand
unless a more fatal truth is that they don’t care
and the public really doesn’t understand
the statistics only paint a picture lost in translation
and left up to perception
so really,
no matter what I just said
you that still haven’t learned a thing
and no matter what you say of me
it only further highlights the picture you paint of yourself
Inside
destined to fail
what does hope mean,
when choices are more limited than your options?
my friend sees another prison stint in his future
it’s not about going back out and rebuilding
its his crowd
he’s still young,
and so are they
whereas he says most of my crowd
are older and married off
or in prison already
the humble acknowledgement and morbid insight was like
hearing him say,
“I’m trapped and I can’t help it”
he rationalizes that he’s matured
but often, we are our environment
and many don’t have the means to escape it
no matter how aware we are
would you rather a person be lonely and uncomfortable
just because they were was once in prison
than find comfort in the only thing that they still may know,
after being taken from it
because the world still revolves
and isolation feels a lot like solitary confinement
imagine your life becoming like prison time in the hole,
just to keep from going back to prison
new social no-no’s
I walk into the cafeteria here
and although we’re all supposed to have our masks on
we have to take the off to eat
and the moment I here someone coughing choking and sneezing
my head instantly spins towards there direction
my hair raises
my face screws up
and I give a disgusted cautious look-
shielded behind a mask of course-
as I wait in line
but I wouldn’t care if they saw how I looked at them
I can only imagine what the nerves must be like out in public
how strange the times are
when farts may be more of a relief and socially acceptable
than a cough sneeze or sniff
now to me, that’s funny
the ol’ “oh god bless you, you’re human it’s ok” thought that goes off when you hear a fart
versus the swift condemnation of seasonal allergies
lol! hilarious!
people are so sincerely insincere and obnoxious that its morbidly funny
who feels it worse
I wonder
on whom is it harder
when you watch people leave
while you stay in prison
then you vent that hardship to a loved one waiting on you
it’s almost better if I swallow it
and not say nothing at all
reliving the worst
my friend’s mom recently was found unresponsive
she had a heart attack
he voiced this to me after our morning workout
telling me he needed to talk
he had been up all night
she ended up with stints in her heart
and supposed to make a recovery
he showed me a pic of her in the hospital
then told me how there’s temporary memory loss after her surgeries
so his brother told him that when she had first came to-
she asked his brother
“where’s jalen at”
he had to remind her that her son is in prison
he’s here in prison with me obviously
and he said to me
“can you imagine waking up from a surgery and having to relive that memory of your son being gone in prison?”
connectedly disconnected
I think I’m starting to feel this ‘time’ more now
than I have in a while,
it’s strange,
I feel more connected to the pain of seeing people go home free
instead of the happiness I once felt
all the while
I’m still here
and feel more disconnected-
emotionally-
from the people that wait for me to get out ‘free’
and no matter what I do
I haven’t been able to curve this little episodic depression
I wonder if it’s the fact that I’m just so tired of this existence
and ready to get home
or maybe the closer I get, the more anxious and fearful I am