Happy Birthday Josiah
I remember your beautiful image vividly the day of your birthplace Josiah
I don’t mean to be selfish but I wish I was there on your birthday Josiah
although I know its my fault why I ain’t there in the first place Josiah
I heard you play baseball and I wish I was there to call you home safe, to home plate, like at third base Josiah
cuz I wanna get back to u as fast as I can cuz this hurts in the worst place Josiah
this hurts in the worst way
and for so many years I refrained from saying ya name
as if saying would set me a flame
I acted helpless and shamed
I was selfish and vain
and that welded a stain
that’s been pelted by rain
with umbrellas embellished with fangs
that would relish in my skeletons and never restrained
I felt lower than sediment, just a lowly specimen with alotta irrelevant change
that brought me no reverence I was severed with an evident strain
many empty days with no drive only peddling angst
I was hellish not a saint
but now that hell shhhh is faint
like my presence in your life
I’ve been sick without you, and no medicine can’t
add that glow back to my melanin
my lil Lion, nothing will ever be…the same
without your heavenly mane
I can have it all
but still one level remains
because I’m lost and last without you,
beautifully golden complexion, you are my medal to gain
because I won it all when I had you
and lost it all when I lost you
but there’s no more hiding, so no more jekyl remains
no more disguised regrets heckled in chains
because now I will never settle until I can make you feel loved and special again
by the father that you deserve, not just some fellow that gave you a name
Dear Josiah,
I’m more than what’s been said of me, though I deserve everything said since I wasn’t there to speak for myself, and for that and an infinite amount of things that I will be making up for in my lifetime, I am deeply sorry
it took getting here to understand the loss of true value, because the other things I hung onto, like my own pains, had taken the form of value and I allowed them to out value you
apologies never sound good, they aren’t really supposed to-its a statement of things most people rather not have to confront all over again, all just to admit responsibility and express remorse-but its a start, a new start, just like each moment and every day that we get in this life, its a chance for a new start, as long as we see it that way, then nothing is ever too far out of reach or too broken to be fixed, everything remains possible and limitless
and in my dreaded distance from you, I have learned the extent of redemption and the limitlessness of love and life
and like an apology, I, You, no, We, are just getting started
I am eternally sorry Josiah and I have every intention to spend my lifetime making my love and apology felt all throughout your life, the day you are willing to have me in it
I left and lost you at 2, you’ll be 13 by time I’m free…that gap is a lifetime all of its own
creating the hole in your child is never a parents intention, but working to make them whole is a lifetime of itself, and I will be part of the destruction period, count on that
I never forgot you, I just couldn’t reach you, I had to respect the people who were doing what I wasn’t in your life, some situations aren’t meant to be controlled no matter how much you want to, but if you can find the peace in letting go, and trust the process while learning to love yourself thru the treacherous moments when you second guess-remembering there’s more than just yourself being affected-than you will learn value strength trust and patience in their rawest forms and it will make you all the better on the other side of it
the other side in this equation is the day I can finally see you and say,
“I Love You So Much Josiah, Happy Birthday” and then give you a hug because you might just be too big to want your dad kissing on ya cheeks…but it doesn’t mean I still won’t try!
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