Inside

If a person stands in their truth,

they are seeking attention.

If self diagnosed,

they aren’t believed.

If professionally diagnosed

they’re told everyone has it bad.

Judgmental people too, succumb to pain,

they just inflict what they internalize

then call it strength.

I’m inconsistent

insufferable

overbearing

and insensitive at times

I say I’m passionate

but I may just be temperamentally emotional

I’m apathetic when I know how to feel

or how it feels

but sometimes

it feels like I’ve forgotten to feel

or how to feel

I find that I’m reminding myself to be more thoughtful

or emotionally available

more often

pain

or internal long suffering has roboticized me

I’m depraved

or deprived emotionally

I’ve grown into personal numbness

having less feeling for self

and those closest

than for those I don’t know

yet I vividly feel my hurt

I’m just impassive

or dismissive to it

and then disregard that of those I regard most

almost as if,

I decompress my exhaustion and bitterness on familiar company

being objective helps get things done

but it takes the humanity out of the process

I can’t be subjective hear

this is prison

emotions,

and especially love don’t live hear

yet when I get on the phone,

I have to find that love again

that feeling…

turn off

turn on

turn off

turn on

GTL and JPAY suppressed heartbreaks

trying to stay grounded

but my positive wires get crossed

and I need to pop the breaker,

just to wake me back up again

because I want to feel alive

I want to do for others

I innately want “so much’ for people

that sometimes I become an intense pressure

a coach, when a friend or lover is needed

admittedly I tire of hearing complaints and cries of

wait,

it takes time,

I’m trying,

I can’t

I went through this

and my life is blah blah blah

life isn’t simple

I absorb each protest, but do I use emotion there?

or will that subjectivity

only further cripple and babysit their potential

and feeble self pity

sometimes emotions pacify

people want me to pacify theirs

while often-

though I never ask-

feel no pacification for myself

my strength is assumed

or hoped for

so I can just give,

rather than they wear the heavy burden of uplifting

something and someone they don’t truly get

emotional output is so one sided

what you give isn’t necessarily what you get

funny that way

I’m apathetic cuz I gotta be

emotional cuz I wanna feel

and I’m passionate because I have to balance them both

I’m tired of living this life

I’m tired of living this life

I had to change my approach

believing my shadow a coach

believing my mirror a host

desires turned me to a ghost

my skeletons buried in mulch

while hiding from everyone close

alone and those winters get colder

down and out doing the most

I swallowed pride like a Mimosa

breaking my bonds like a Jonas

I took the blame and the onus

I had my highs but more lows

I had to rise from my lowest

but even superman needed Lois

hollup…

this is no act with a Tony

I acted out cuz I’m lonely

I treated women like trophies

all my mistakes like to troll me

all of your blame would control me

I had to grow from the old me–

now you say you know me,

but you do not know me

just only the gist and my phoniest moments

when I had no one to console me

I’m lonely

just show me

a person that’s perfect

all you see is surface

my spine curved like serpents

hurt from carrying all of my burdens

inside I been hurting

I’ve never been certain

I’m worthless

I’m working-

at changing the monster, so you’ll see the man-

not the mayhem that’s lurking

connecting my circuits

inside of my brain

that’s colliding with pain

a colossal of paint

just to cover me, color me vane

leaning on the window pane

feeling like ‘one’ with the rain

but I still feel stained

emotions are flooded,

but I still feel drained

what’s a promise of love with no rings

materials hiding my shame

if we talk about depth I’m estranged

if we talking about debt then I’m vane

I like to talk about my death from this pain

taking my final breath with no name

because I will never be the same

but you may never see my change

I’m sleepless at night

starring at the moon

calling out for my sons

hoping that I’ll see u soon

I’m restless at night

dreaming bout my past

while the day on the way

but these nightmares last

I swear I’m not perfect

to those people I hurted

to those people I’m hurting

I wanna be a better person