Riding the Emotional Hump

I’m inconsistent

insufferable

overbearing

and insensitive at times

I say I’m passionate

but I may just be temperamentally emotional

I’m apathetic when I know how to feel

or how it feels

but sometimes

it feels like I’ve forgotten to feel

or how to feel

I find that I’m reminding myself to be more thoughtful

or emotionally available

more often

pain

or internal long suffering has roboticized me

I’m depraved

or deprived emotionally

I’ve grown into personal numbness

having less feeling for self

and those closest

than for those I don’t know

yet I vividly feel my hurt

I’m just impassive

or dismissive to it

and then disregard that of those I regard most

almost as if,

I decompress my exhaustion and bitterness on familiar company

being objective helps get things done

but it takes the humanity out of the process

I can’t be subjective hear

this is prison

emotions,

and especially love don’t live hear

yet when I get on the phone,

I have to find that love again

that feeling…

turn off

turn on

turn off

turn on

GTL and JPAY suppressed heartbreaks

trying to stay grounded

but my positive wires get crossed

and I need to pop the breaker,

just to wake me back up again

because I want to feel alive

I want to do for others

I innately want “so much’ for people

that sometimes I become an intense pressure

a coach, when a friend or lover is needed

admittedly I tire of hearing complaints and cries of

wait,

it takes time,

I’m trying,

I can’t

I went through this

and my life is blah blah blah

life isn’t simple

I absorb each protest, but do I use emotion there?

or will that subjectivity

only further cripple and babysit their potential

and feeble self pity

sometimes emotions pacify

people want me to pacify theirs

while often-

though I never ask-

feel no pacification for myself

my strength is assumed

or hoped for

so I can just give,

rather than they wear the heavy burden of uplifting

something and someone they don’t truly get

emotional output is so one sided

what you give isn’t necessarily what you get

funny that way

I’m apathetic cuz I gotta be

emotional cuz I wanna feel

and I’m passionate because I have to balance them both