informed mania
information has made me schizophrenic
I live many realities
informed dialogue with myself
is more company than dialogue with uninformed others
we see things different
or
I see things
and they do not
knowing something else
makes me someone else
takes me somewhere else
and makes me something more
than the someone I was
but many,
illustrates the ‘some,’ in one
and so,
the sum of 1, I am
as infinite
as knowledge
hence, knowledge is Godly
it is the omnipresence,
of supreme multitasking
the omniscience,
of knowing the ledge to which I stand
all before, within, and behind myself
the omnipotence,
of position influence and reverence wielded to the wise
knowledge is truly The Power
and equally a divine responsibility
it is the duty of good will’s intention
which swaddles the life it spawns
yet, beholding its immense properties
can induce psychopathy
I find myself more apathetic
traversing states of mind or consciousness
and existence
regarding reality with less fear and majesty
venturing the hypertension of unending input
journeying the chaos of unyielding thoughts
assaulting me from all directions
with the challenge and responsibility of
discernment
understanding
action
application
enlightening
and leadership
no knowledge is wise all of its own
it takes utilization
to enter the kingdom of its godly form
but to first know
there is so much to un-know
and so much more to relearn
and even more to do
once more is known
until, all is known
there is nothing I can’t do
so all, I do
and redo
until I undo
all that has become undone
yet I am only one,
me
a One, in the All
a Piece, of a Pie
a Part, of a Whole
though wisdom makes me whole
I am broken into many by knowledge
knowledge of self
per my many states of mind
though singular in my bodily being
I am everywhere, in everything spiritually
new knowledge
creates new identity
adding another ego
to another entity
therefore I Am Many
Fallible Makeup
Some
think the system is perfect
We know it isn’t
and
We will make a dent,
a dent
is all that’s needed
to cut the nose off
just to spite the face of
ignorance
pride
privilege
prejudice
oppression
corrupt and unchecked power
inequality
injustice
and
systemic racism
but
You and I
We,
we will change this world
one
abrasion
and
blemish
at a time
so that imperfection
won’t be cloaked in
the makeup of perfection
and
perfection
will be created
within the imperfect
beauty will not be a lie
nor hidden
it will be in all things
seen as truth
because
truth
will be ubiquitous
in all things
naturally-
as it is-
without our distortions
insecurities
and augmentations
like true
and deep
beauty
now the mission is clear
we’re out to do
an extreme and radical
makeover
remembering, and
restoring
the source of all
beauty-
as it is in
the people
us all
all throughout life,
living,
all living,
and non-living things
then We
will all know
not think
that we are
we are imperfectly perfect
or the other way around
and so shall it be your choice
after all
it is a makeover
Regardless, Life will Hurt the Same
I care less,
that you care less
you
are
care
less
that is careless
I’m
obsessed
possessed
you’re
processed
I’m
direct
I. crave. more
you. rather. less
I
progress
you
regress
I
express
you
repress
I
digress
you
suppress
I
confess
you
impress
because
you’re
depressed
and
I’m
depressed
so I
care less
that you
care less
nothing changed
more or less
because
stress
is stress
we’re all the same
I guess
Lower Mind
I hope you..??…
I’m hoping you don’t think me disgusting
but right now I’m lusting
when something is willfully given up
another affliction beneath the surfaces
and latches upon the host like a parasite
if you didn’t know,
right now I’m fasting
you probably didn’t notice
but that still doesn’t rival my blindness because
I can’t even see you now if I tried
if you tried to show me
I guess I’m too busy looking
obsessing over your visible feminine attributes
I can’t even recall your face
let alone your name
even though I have unsuccessfully taken all of you in
as my gawking has limited your full being
please don’t judge me
but if you must
what would you guess my diagnosis?
am I depraved?
or deprived?
contemplating where these urges derived
am I just like the rest,
to where you find no surprise in what I confess?
or is it something deep and dark at rest
glossed over and unrecognized within me,
unconsciously archived
because the prevailing culture,
hasn’t taught me enough about this being wrong
making this a thing as common and certain as breath
I don’t believe I have the answer
nor would I believe my own guess?
could I even digest
or fathom the meaning of these feelings contrived?
feelings without form and aim
renders me into chaos,
while balance has taken a dive
spoiled, as more input upon my eyes arrives
it’s hard to deny
when I just can’t be denied
summoning an eventual carnal demise
when you’ve ran the course of shallow supplies
it’s a wonder how my heart still survives..
hmm
maybe I should take some advice
would you care to advise?
listening, instead of merely looking would be a prize
opposed to seeing you with an external value apprised
what is at the root of my mess?
maybe a higher truth confessed?
if my heart can assess
with spiritual access
the reason for my ego’s excess
and bodily duress
achieving a glimmer of success
in figuring something that may be blamed
yet shameless
because your beauty is herculean
and maybe I shouldn’t feel guilty,
although I get lost on a speck
I tend to lose focus
but most guys,
would say my eye is on the prize
but I know the true prize
is imperceptible to thine own eyes
and the eyes,
only reflect the mind
and with that admitted revelation
I ponder what is the state of mine…
oh I’m sorry,
were you saying something?
The Nerve of You
you came to prison to be a leader
and a servant
and then some combo called a servant leader?!
and you wanna fool me about servant leadership
ohhhh
the nerve of you!
man I got a few choice words for you
and maybe a few verbs will do
before I let you teach me how to be a servant too
cuz ohhh!
the nerve of you!
you serving time
or serving life
while you got served child support
served misconduct reports
but now you wanna become a servant
doing acts of service
unfamiliar things make me nervous
what’s your aim, what’s the purpose?!
what other tricks you got? what am I, in a circus?!
what kinda person…
man I ain’t even heard of you!
ahhhh! the nerve of you!
you making us look bad
man you making yourself look bad
we stuck in the same place and got the same things to look at
and all we have, is now!
ain’t no point in tryna fix the past, shit don’t even look back!
you uppity and conservative now?!
the nerve of you!
you serving the shop jobs
on and off unit porter jobs
or you serving food
ohhhh, dude you a fool plus a tool too?!
the nerve of you!
how you gunna try to lead me
while you hear as a habitual.
assault.
robbery.
or murder too!?!
and you tryna make a difference
and make me different?
Jesus as my witness, the nerve of you!
you should be doing your time
methodically
forcefully
exploiting to get what you can,
and politically surgical
not wasting it trying to be sheepish, goody, ashamed, and misguidedly merciful
that’s prey in a land of predators,
and if they starve for food, they’ll murder you!
they won’t reciprocate and hand out whatever mercy due!
ahhhh the nerve of you!
busy tryna live for more than yourself
tryna give more of yourself
but that won’t help you survive,
so what will there be left to give of yourself?!
damn it, the nerve of you!
how can you…
I’m just…
lost!
look here,
the c.o.’s won’t protect you
the world will eject you
stereotypes and prejudices will select you
justice and equality will neglect you
born guilty, there’s nothing to confess to
fear will only address you
love will serve to duress you
peers will redirect you
prison won’t correct you
your girl will soon forget you
your family regrets you
your friends won’t even fret you
the moment will only test you
cuz you made too many mistakes to be successful!
religion hasn’t blessed you
faith has only hexed you
hope will misdirect you
and yet you still tryna be helpful?!
man you ain’t nothing special!
…
man,
you…
man you got some nerve, haha
man
man you are some one,
special
and all this deflecting wasn’t even working was it?
guess I was,
tryna feign protection from the things that make you wonder
I gotta be honest with you man
every day I feel sick to my stomach
I
I know something more,
I know something better,
I know I can be better
but it isn’t courage I covet
my failures hover
my fears are all covert
I subvert
and divert
then emersed into my worst mentally
then submerge from a dive board of misery
then diverge into an iceberg physically
then reemerge into the lies of my hurt literally
where I’ll hide into a thickened hide and die first literally!
before I expose the merch of what I reaped from my searched memories
concealed cries as I perch onto my side as I thirst spiritually
disguising my hollowed pride where I’ll fight first cuz my worst injuries
I’m the pitiful epitome of hypocritical tendencies
that will never allow me to bend a knee
or lend in need
I rather blend in weeds
than befriend or be a friend in need
because I been in need!
and service?
I dont know how to ask for it like a bended knee
although I have things to give
who would ever want what I have to give-I’m me!
ha…servant leadership
I admit,
it kinda makes you wonder
busy fearing what I don’t know,
and I didn’t know that I could be more…
more than…
than this number…
and all I’ve been doing hasn’t worked
it all served to get me here
away…
away from everything
the touch of my child and the hug from a mother
the approval of a father and the bond of my brothers
the protection of a sister and the free range of the road
so many sights,
sounds,
tastes
and more that once served me,
now
escape me
as you enter telling me to give more of myself
when I feel that I have nothing left to give
that everything has been taken or given away already
I never even conceived that I may have something else to offer
tuh, the nerve of you!
but I feel I’m electrically surging
because your lessons of service
served to give me a purpose
even as I felt worthless
as less than a person
when pain was lurking
deep beneath my surface
like a sea urchin
my pride uncoiling like a serpent
searching for diversion
obscuring any sermons
with aversion to conversion
but now…
these words that I’ve heard
give me something
something that may serve to help me become a better person
crafting better versions
of people in prisons of pain living behind curtains
how courageous you are, ha
the nerve of you
cuz you led me to see the We
showing me that I could lead as a servant too
Not as Crazy as I Once was
I know you may think I’m crazy
I know this may sound irrational
like projected dreams that refuse to be stomped on
these grandiose ideas of freedom my presence my growth and change
that may look and sound good
but seeming more improbable
than the attempt of a child haphazardly stacking structures in the kitchen to climb on
in order to grab and possess desires out of reach
until it
until it all came tumbling down
as those things he climbed upon
depended upon
to get him to where he was going
would become obstacles
despite the warnings he ignored
his ambition was just too vast to be quelled
and he falls with a loud thud
and everyone around has to rush quick to pick up the pieces
feigning a cautious love for the attempt
while inside holding a disbelief for the foolishness of it all!
straining from saying, I told you so
you’re smarter than that
you’re better than this
yet why are you so pridefully stubborn and did it anyway
and I know, I know I don’t have the best track record
plenty of times I’ve trampled my chances
with selfish desires and illusions of power and control
that I would wield like a samurai sword as my reason and excuse
thrusted at anyone and anything
that would try to challenge or defy the density of my belief
born to be a rebel at my core
as if the very spirit and fluid elixir of rebellion
gave me wings like gulps of a red bull
and it wasn’t my fault that no one understood that I was different
though I became the same, I believed that I would be different
the result would be different
that I knew how to take all the failures around me
and form a cabal of individualized and creative wisdoms that would defy the life expectancy of this concrete jungle
and I would invent a new wave and be the epitome of difference
and my roar would be heard across city blocks
as if I was Caesar himself returning home to Rome
from a successful conquest of conquering
with the cheering love fear hate and respect adorned to the physical and mental prowess that I exhibited
which would master my surroundings
and transcend my environment
like a boss
whatever that means
but I fell short
you see, I never wanted to follow
I wanted to lead
but I followed too long
and was misled
and by the time I noticed it
it was too late
I was in too deep
so fuck it, I’m here now
now I have to become the best that I can
at being the worst that I can
I know, me and my paradoxes
yea it sounds crazy saying it aloud
but you should try listening to yourself from time to time
you’d be surprised at how emotions sound so rational
and every thought makes the most sense that you never heard
and you are God’s gift to wisdom
and you have the solution and key
and…but this
damn
door
still
won’t
open!
and this mirror still cracks
and these walls still corner me
and my voice still echoes like the heart in my empty body
sure I got chances, but not fair chances
how can it be all my fault, I’m not the card dealer
I’m just the gambler
I had to make something
from what appeared as something
but I am no chemist, alchemist, or magician
I’m just a man!
a human being
a flawed creature
and I’ve only had myself to believe in
why doesn’t anyone understand this
I can’t be that alone and crazy
everyone else had ideas that sounded just as crazy as mine
it just is what it is
one day
be patient
you get what you get
life isn’t fair
everyone struggles
life is about choices
but…
but they all sounded stuck and content with being in line
with just accepting everything for what it was…for what it is
like they had withdrawn and lost their fight
but I am a fighter
a provider
a protector
a creator
but I can’t say that with a straight face, looking my sons in the eye
it would sound just as crazy as…
I’m sorry
I love you
I’m there for you whenever you need me
I’m changing and growing for you
I’m better than I was
I think of you in everything that I do
I learned my lesson
I’m coming home
we’re going to travel all over the world
don’t make the same mistakes that I did, be better
I showed you how to be absent, so take it upon yourself to learn how to defy your struggles and be present
when you say it aloud
it doesn’t sound how it did in your head
but it doesn’t make it not true
because life is about choices
and I choose to speak my favored reality into existence
before my pain and troubles ever committed
I was resilient and persisted
before my mind and heart was ever conflicted
I was resilient and persisted
before these prison walls ever existed
I was resilient and persisted
before the judge ever gavelled my conviction
I was resilient and persisted
before my hope and dreams had ever drifted
I was resilient and persisted
before the apparition of my demons became convincing
I was resilient and persisted
before I ever believed I hadn’t enough to feel as though I should risk it
I was resilient and persisted
I am resilient and persistent
I am resilient and persistent
now my conviction is my conviction
of defying blind statistics
by applying wisdoms
from life decisions
and my collisions
of pride and fiction
and if my time is grifted
I rather cosign a higher state of mind parallel with the sky
as if I can fly for instance
grasping everything that was once out of reach like a kid trying to climb in kitchens
manifesting every bit of grand idea of freedom, presence, growth, and change
so that I may never sound irrational again
and you will come to believe me
and believe in me
because my direction is no longer against the wind
I’ve let go of my illusions of power and control
I’ve changed, I am change
I am different, I make a difference
I’m like a gift card, in that, I am redeemable
don’t count me out
my reasons are no longer counterfeit
I don’t have to be the places I choose to be
and yet here I stand, trying to become the best version of me
but the proof is in my actions, but since you can’t see them,
I just thought I’d let you know
I’m not as crazy as I used to be