I know you may think I’m crazy
I know this may sound irrational
like projected dreams that refuse to be stomped on
these grandiose ideas of freedom my presence my growth and change
that may look and sound good
but seeming more improbable
than the attempt of a child haphazardly stacking structures in the kitchen to climb on
in order to grab and possess desires out of reach
until it
until it all came tumbling down
as those things he climbed upon
depended upon
to get him to where he was going
would become obstacles
despite the warnings he ignored
his ambition was just too vast to be quelled
and he falls with a loud thud
and everyone around has to rush quick to pick up the pieces
feigning a cautious love for the attempt
while inside holding a disbelief for the foolishness of it all!
straining from saying, I told you so
you’re smarter than that
you’re better than this
yet why are you so pridefully stubborn and did it anyway
and I know, I know I don’t have the best track record
plenty of times I’ve trampled my chances
with selfish desires and illusions of power and control
that I would wield like a samurai sword as my reason and excuse
thrusted at anyone and anything
that would try to challenge or defy the density of my belief
born to be a rebel at my core
as if the very spirit and fluid elixir of rebellion
gave me wings like gulps of a red bull
and it wasn’t my fault that no one understood that I was different
though I became the same, I believed that I would be different
the result would be different
that I knew how to take all the failures around me
and form a cabal of individualized and creative wisdoms that would defy the life expectancy of this concrete jungle
and I would invent a new wave and be the epitome of difference
and my roar would be heard across city blocks
as if I was Caesar himself returning home to Rome
from a successful conquest of conquering
with the cheering love fear hate and respect adorned to the physical and mental prowess that I exhibited
which would master my surroundings
and transcend my environment
like a boss
whatever that means
but I fell short
you see, I never wanted to follow
I wanted to lead
but I followed too long
and was misled
and by the time I noticed it
it was too late
I was in too deep
so fuck it, I’m here now
now I have to become the best that I can
at being the worst that I can
I know, me and my paradoxes
yea it sounds crazy saying it aloud
but you should try listening to yourself from time to time
you’d be surprised at how emotions sound so rational
and every thought makes the most sense that you never heard
and you are God’s gift to wisdom
and you have the solution and key
and…but this
damn
door
still
won’t
open!
and this mirror still cracks
and these walls still corner me
and my voice still echoes like the heart in my empty body
sure I got chances, but not fair chances
how can it be all my fault, I’m not the card dealer
I’m just the gambler
I had to make something
from what appeared as something
but I am no chemist, alchemist, or magician
I’m just a man!
a human being
a flawed creature
and I’ve only had myself to believe in
why doesn’t anyone understand this
I can’t be that alone and crazy
everyone else had ideas that sounded just as crazy as mine
it just is what it is
one day
be patient
you get what you get
life isn’t fair
everyone struggles
life is about choices
but…
but they all sounded stuck and content with being in line
with just accepting everything for what it was…for what it is
like they had withdrawn and lost their fight
but I am a fighter
a provider
a protector
a creator
but I can’t say that with a straight face, looking my sons in the eye
it would sound just as crazy as…
I’m sorry
I love you
I’m there for you whenever you need me
I’m changing and growing for you
I’m better than I was
I think of you in everything that I do
I learned my lesson
I’m coming home
we’re going to travel all over the world
don’t make the same mistakes that I did, be better
I showed you how to be absent, so take it upon yourself to learn how to defy your struggles and be present
when you say it aloud
it doesn’t sound how it did in your head
but it doesn’t make it not true
because life is about choices
and I choose to speak my favored reality into existence
before my pain and troubles ever committed
I was resilient and persisted
before my mind and heart was ever conflicted
I was resilient and persisted
before these prison walls ever existed
I was resilient and persisted
before the judge ever gavelled my conviction
I was resilient and persisted
before my hope and dreams had ever drifted
I was resilient and persisted
before the apparition of my demons became convincing
I was resilient and persisted
before I ever believed I hadn’t enough to feel as though I should risk it
I was resilient and persisted
I am resilient and persistent
I am resilient and persistent
now my conviction is my conviction
of defying blind statistics
by applying wisdoms
from life decisions
and my collisions
of pride and fiction
and if my time is grifted
I rather cosign a higher state of mind parallel with the sky
as if I can fly for instance
grasping everything that was once out of reach like a kid trying to climb in kitchens
manifesting every bit of grand idea of freedom, presence, growth, and change
so that I may never sound irrational again
and you will come to believe me
and believe in me
because my direction is no longer against the wind
I’ve let go of my illusions of power and control
I’ve changed, I am change
I am different, I make a difference
I’m like a gift card, in that, I am redeemable
don’t count me out
my reasons are no longer counterfeit
I don’t have to be the places I choose to be
and yet here I stand, trying to become the best version of me
but the proof is in my actions, but since you can’t see them,
I just thought I’d let you know
I’m not as crazy as I used to be
Leave a Reply