I walk into the cafeteria here
and although we’re all supposed to have our masks on
we have to take the off to eat
and the moment I here someone coughing choking and sneezing
my head instantly spins towards there direction
my hair raises
my face screws up
and I give a disgusted cautious look-
shielded behind a mask of course-
as I wait in line
but I wouldn’t care if they saw how I looked at them
I can only imagine what the nerves must be like out in public
how strange the times are
when farts may be more of a relief and socially acceptable
than a cough sneeze or sniff
now to me, that’s funny
the ol’ “oh god bless you, you’re human it’s ok” thought that goes off when you hear a fart
versus the swift condemnation of seasonal allergies
lol! hilarious!
people are so sincerely insincere and obnoxious that its morbidly funny
who feels it worse
I wonder
on whom is it harder
when you watch people leave
while you stay in prison
then you vent that hardship to a loved one waiting on you
it’s almost better if I swallow it
and not say nothing at all
reliving the worst
my friend’s mom recently was found unresponsive
she had a heart attack
he voiced this to me after our morning workout
telling me he needed to talk
he had been up all night
she ended up with stints in her heart
and supposed to make a recovery
he showed me a pic of her in the hospital
then told me how there’s temporary memory loss after her surgeries
so his brother told him that when she had first came to-
she asked his brother
“where’s jalen at”
he had to remind her that her son is in prison
he’s here in prison with me obviously
and he said to me
“can you imagine waking up from a surgery and having to relive that memory of your son being gone in prison?”
fearful love
fear and love
those two things can’t coexist together the way that we force them too
love is liberating
fear is captivity
often I’ve noticed in relationships
if one of the two cave to fear more than love
they’ll ask their lover if they can make changes to accept them at lower areas where they are more comfortable at
instead of rise out of their fears and love them at the level where both can succeed
too many concessions compensations and compromises made for the sake of being nothing more than comfortable
and any push becomes an assault on the other’s level of love for not accepting them as is
instead of a declaration of “I love you so much that I want better for of and from you”
we don’t teach each other how to love and want more
we create a cultural norm where to want more is an option and dangerous
rather than an inherited and natural journey of any life
so no one learns how to love at levels other than the ones they are most comfortable at
symbolic of the lack of growth and evolution we have day to day when it comes to accepting another for who they are
let alone our cultural standard for making people go through lifetimes of hell to finally be comfortable at just one of their truths
so I wonder
how many people fall in love and then settle as if there’s nothing more to be gained
therefore, nothing can be lost
versus those that fall in love, and then fly together
if we’re taught to fear a God of Love
then what kind of love do you think we will settle for and divvy out to each other?
connectedly disconnected
I think I’m starting to feel this ‘time’ more now
than I have in a while,
it’s strange,
I feel more connected to the pain of seeing people go home free
instead of the happiness I once felt
all the while
I’m still here
and feel more disconnected-
emotionally-
from the people that wait for me to get out ‘free’
and no matter what I do
I haven’t been able to curve this little episodic depression
I wonder if it’s the fact that I’m just so tired of this existence
and ready to get home
or maybe the closer I get, the more anxious and fearful I am
COVID’s internal impact
I’ve observed that here in prison, we’re more restless
we feel more neglected and forgotten
now that the world finally begins to feel what minor imprisonment feels like
they are too lost in their own loss of movement
that we’ve gone by the waste side
there’s more episodic depression and wandering going on
while movement has taken a hit with our loss of time outside our cells
and limited gatherings and activities
such as our clubs and classes with interactions from outside volunteers
also the loss of visits has taken its toll
family is more distant, now all we know and see is each other
we’re even more imprisoned in prison
there’s been delays of parole and cancelled transfers to other facilities that are one step closer to getting home
work has been lost by those in work release facilities
along with a lockdown schedule since a minor outbreak
so now prison is getting more backed up
and our governor is refusing to let more prisoners go to ease the possibility of outbreaks with no realistic way of housing nor treating
aggression as well as drug use, has increased
we’re stir crazy
emotions have been all over the place
and so have mine