I’m not myself
I am not ‘my’ self
I am another self-
an ‘other’ self
I do not know if I had a self I owned
is anything ever truly yours in this life?
self-autonomy, sovereignty, and proprietor
all just exaggerated synonyms of independence
but I feel like someone else
a different self
a self that is not necessarily mine
but also, not not mine
just a self unidentified
or a self that surfaces opportunely when care is lost,
and control is forfeited
an emotionally uninhibited self
that sways like the rough winds at sea
to the rhythm of dark energies
and the eery orchestra of vocal frequencies projecting from my mind summoned by the immediate environment that has plagued my peace
clinging to it like moss foresting the century’s sunken titanic
or barnacles upon my White Whale of Serenity
in other words
I’m acting outside of my self
and have given into the causation of the conditions imposed upon me
resistance is futile
as for now,
I hate
I anger
I hurt
I pain
I rage
I slump
I tire
I give, in-side out of me-no more
Trauma
Don’t Bother
you don’t have enough time to hear the story of my pain
so don’t ask
you don’t have enough energy to care about my pain
so don’t offer
you don’t have enough heart to understand my pain
so don’t say you feel me
you don’t have enough love to offer that would assuage my pain
so love yourself, instead
I’ll only rub off and wear on you
Don’t Take it Personal, it’s Just What They Do
it seems like such a long time since the mass building of railroads
opiates, grains of rice, and the Rockefellers
but welcome back to the mainstream hate, bigotry, and prejudice
White America never forgot who you were to them
you just may have forgot who you were to them
they were just usually too consumed with pummeling us is all
us, as in, Black America
and you may benefit from the ground hours we already put in for you
because we never had the benefit of a break, so we never forgot
but never fear, they’re reminding you
I’m sorry you’re shocked
but swallow your pre-workout formula of protesting and get your practice in
so you can join back in the game of American life and the minority/melanin experience
they’ll hear you, but will not listen
the laws are just for perception sake, for you to get it all out of your system
you know, the right to assemble, freedom of speech, equality for all etc.
after while, they’ll see to it that you get tired of talking to a wall
and they’all expect you to give up long before they do
after all, shit rolls down the hill and you are fighting uphill
that disadvantage will never tilt, and the day, if it shall ever happen to get close to a tilt towards a balance
then be wary of that day, because this is nothing
nothing but practice
but don’t take it personal, they know nothing else
on the evolutionary scales, they are still children
only knowing how to take in order to have
and they will take from their selves as quick as they would you
you can almost do nothing against that kind of barbarism
so don’t take it personal, they’d do better if the knew better…I think?
Deliverance
delicious desires
desecrating my divinity
diluting my dignity
destroying my pallid with its overloaded stimulation of carnality
desires may be my destruction
but oh, oh my sweet goodness
have I always been such a sucker for delectable and deluxe desserts that both demonstrate and deliver my do’s, don’t’s, and delayed doom
What Type of Time You On?!
this is the dark, where they hide light
protect your heart, hind, and blindside
because war is the highlight
your ceiling is a twilight
and your floor is full of blind mice
there is no fistfights, only knife fights
fight for your life fights
before you can fight for your rights,
you have to fight for your likes,
for the end of each night,
where you can die or take life flights
you ride like a knight, align sides-
comprised with your might-
to describe and define size
ties cosign time
pied pipe, and lies lobotomize,
dried eyes, cries will compromise life
you can’t hide, only disguise and rise like-
climbed heights,
time in the limelight, will assign hype
and pay with your life, because life is the right price
because this time, is the ride or you die type
Quagmire
the more I study
the more I educate myself
the more I learn
the more I grow
the more I evolve
the more distant I feel from you
all of you
and your ideas of reality, life, and how it’s lived
but the struggle of it all is that,
you all are who I want to share this Newfound land with
yet I can’t, because your comfort is blanketed in what is
which is my, ‘was’
and I doubt any of you would embrace the unfamiliar like I would,
like I do
because the unfamiliar is all I’ve ever known,
all I’ve been accustomed to
and you all only knew me while I was trying to fit inside your customs
just to feel like I was a part of your whole
so I’m tortured by the urge to share
by the reality of, knowing some treasures just have to be kept to yourself,
myself
because not everyone will recognize and appraise the same value to the things you discover as gifts
even if it was, is, or can be a key to a door of a much vaster and beautiful world
so here again, I must be lonely
because the more that I discover in myself and this life
may only be cherished alone,
because no one else will understand,
or care too
how many would willingly free fall from all they knew,
parachuting to an idea of a fuller freedom that may not manifest in material means?
I try to be a student of history and a child of the spirit
but that choice is likened to being alone with a pure truth and infinite power
which most could care less about
unless they could see and feel the immediate impact in their lives
such is the irony of those who also choose to live a faith-driven life
our language may never be the same
forever parsed by distant dialects of existence and experience
because while I can understand everyone else
almost no one else will, or can, understand me,
which is to better understand themselves
a self, that most will never know-
and never know that they do not know-
so what does it matter what I know,
if they prefer not to know, more?
or me?
although this loneliness bears more gifts, than a curse
because it’s the gifts that create the loneliness
but that’s the thing about a curse,
it traps you in what seems like an inescapable spell
but this spell,
is of discovering truth and freedom
but who gives a damn
and so lonely, and damned, I am