Trauma

how much do I have to speak,
for you to listen
or how silent must I be
to get you to listen
and what would you take my silence for?
an asylum of solace,
or an insane asylum?

they say silence speaks volumes
sometimes silence takes Valium
but of which volume,
will you perceive from?

one of submission?
as in accepting defeat and wrongness,
rendering words worthless
and a point, dominated and unlearned

one of omission?
where passivity proves to be safest
an ongoing state of being unheard
helping you to fly under the radar
avoiding pressurized detection,
and social defection

one of permission?
needing to ask for the time of day
seeking approval in the words you have
and the words you say?

or one of emission?
emission of truth and opinion
or the remission into falsities and adherence
adherence to voicelessness
summoning words,
yet the very words spoken,
not being of your own
but that of another’s, for their comfort
all the while adhering to the persistence of discomfort

will you ever listen?
will you ever shut your opinions the fuck up?!

so I don’t have to always seem like the angry guy
with every passive or assertive attempt unrecognized
only known now for aggressiveness
aggression sparked by you
harmed by your attacks on my voice and truth

refusing to unlearn, to learn more
while forcing me into an ominous silent squander,
never comfortable, never sure
if what I have to say
is being heard, or ignored

and so again, I become silent
or silenced, once more
because of your refusal,
to offer me the floor

first I was,
unknown
but I was,
open arms
then I became,
bamboozled
and thereafter,
barbarized
pillaged
raped
conquered
destroyed,
colonized
and so I became,
tyrannized
oppressed
subjugated
property
enslaved
then I became titled,
subhuman
savage
pagan

then my identity macerated

my name enduring a constant state of flux

no longer African

and once a brilliant array of pliable colors
now abraded with immutable disenfranchisement

a physiognomy acculturated to demonization

adjectives metamorphosed to superfluous nouns

nouns that narrated ominous trepidation
from once fervent and effervescent beings

I became,
nigger

then,
colored

then,
negro

then,
black

then,
Afro American

and now,
African American

what next?

I weep for the African American Mothers
of
African American Men
I’m
An African American Man
I
have African American sons
that
are half of America’s Sin
I
get caught up now gasping for wind
cuz
no telling the moment we’ll end
and
I can only hope I would fall before them
not
be a father that’s following them
cuz
accidents happen
but to us,
authority happens
and to them,
minorities happens
but to yaw,
majority actions
gathers into factions
turning us to fractions
turning into subtractions
turn over showing supposed overreactions
grey areas and redactions
end in urban area reductions
where progress is losing traction
woe–
and I’m so bad at math
because I’m not used to adding
when the summation of parts, depart or part into a status
quo–
and reform legislation carries out more quotes than oaths
and ratio’s this Nation rations and rationales,
may only confess to it being bad for morale
telling you that the number of deaths may be bad,
but
aren’t as bad as it shows
but when you see how bad it is
tell me what do you mean it isn’t as bad as it shows?!
and and and ahhhhhhhh!

I’m
so
sooo
sick of it
feelings–less civic, and more livid
cornered into submission
feeling so vulnerable I admit it
a peace of mind is overdue to a victim
but a peace of mind is uncontrollable in this system
when no matter the degree of thing I do, can become a fateful and fatal wrong
now you tell me how is that Daunte Wright?!
I feel you Naisha Wright
this. is. wrong!

bait
you say kneeling for the anthem is unpatriotic and a show of disrespect
while macing an African-Hispanic American active service military lieutenant in the face, and kneeling on your African American citizens neck
both either ending in a complication of breath or death,
please tell me, why does your patriotism sound like nationalism, and how are your perceptions and priorities in check?
mate

we are tired of becoming postmortem hashtags
and our image being torn to shreds
by public rhetoric trying to justify a reason we are dead
before we are properly laid to rest

our lives are more than an “oops” from the police,
denoted to the press
with the lack of proper de-escalation-
from commissioned peace professionals,
ending in death

why is the fear of blacks so crucial,
resonating with a hostile ferocity
that ironically your overreacted fear of us,
is what ends our breath?

because when a people have nothing but fear,
there is nothing left that can be taken,
so you take our bodies
because that’s clearly, all we have…
all we had, left

and that is a wrong,
you can never Wright