I’m simply
a mollusk
too soft for this world
so I’ve grown a hard shell
and I exist within it, always
to come out
would render me
prey, too vulnerable
to the predators of life
evolution is survival
therefore my ending might arise
if you request me to step out of which
I have lived by
sustained myself with
protected myself with
distanced myself with
disguised myself in
you may be asking me to risk
the very life
I’ve grown up
shielding you away from
parts of me you may never understand
those parts you may never accept
these parts, too fragile to be handled tightly
for I give in too easily
and so attraction has always proven to be
fatal, for people like me
so I move at a snails pace
to never stray too far, from my safe space
Trauma
Don’t Look Away
no more handicaps!
take this damn bandaid off me!
do not hide my process
I am a wound
I am wounded
I want you to see
what I look like
what I go through
to heal
what is covered
cannot fully heal
I need to stay
revealed,
to rectify
reconcile
restore
I need air
closing myself off
helped you more than I
you need to see this
so you know
that this,
is what a deep wound
looks like
do not avert your eyes
for you can not
acknowledge
what you can not see
see me!
I know I’m not pretty
but healing
never is
although scabs
mark my resilience
and there’s beauty in that
no more turning
your blind eyes
I don’t need your faith
I need your attention!
Break Down
just give me a break!
I’ll break a leg
I’ve hit the brakes
I broke some rules
it broke me off
I’m broken too
I broke her too
she broke it off
that broke me down
I broke in two
I’ll break the bank
I’ll break new ground
I’ll break away
I’m broken down
a broken smile
I’ve broken in
at broken air
’til I break the walls
that broke my space
I’ve broke the pace
now just give me a break!
Avoided Scars
I ask you
can education be traumatizing?
can the very act of learning,
absorbing
engulfing
inquiring
acquiring
be
traumatizing?
I ask you
can you forget about a scar
deep wound
calloused scar tissue
hardened
beneath surface
submerged
can you forget of a wound endured years ago because it is out of sight
blind
invisible
disappeared
covered
hidden
can the learning or remembering of a scar-
recollection
recall
revisiting-
cause you pain once you are again aware
awakened
alerted
conscious
and what of the adrenaline that sends cortisol levels spiking through the roof
hindering your receptors for pain
numb
ice
without feeling
automaton
and when the dust settles
and your adrenaline wears out
you realize that you have a gaping wound
and your brain reacts, telling you to hurt
well this is the traumatized mind
when life is on autopilot, coping throughout constant fight or flight
it never gets out of its limbic system
so the prefrontal cortex never gets its time in the light to blossom its emotional capacity
and when one finally can get to a quasi-state of peace or rest
deciding to use the time to study, learn, educate one’s self
yet all they see is traumatic images and tales, that is their history
things they never understood but have now currently associated with their life,
making sense of what was once senseless and void
the shock that it causes
the messages that it sends that says
this isn’t right
this hurts
I feel bad
this is painful!
and there is a decision to be made from that point on
either
keep learning until it hurts no more and you find a cure
or
stop the hurt because you’ve made a life of blocking out all the excessive pain that overwhelms you already as it is
you’ve developed a system of denial by ignorance
and life feels better this way
you can’t change what is
but you can change how you feel and how it affects you
though the life implications are obvious
perpetual numbness
and
your situation being forever unchanged
or
perpetual new pain with each new revelation
and
so on and forth
when you can not know where you are going
unless you know where you have been-
history
yet looking back on where you have been is too painful-
trauma
so you avoid your tracks
then you become
and remain
one of a few things-
you choose-
lost
invisible
covered
hidden
calloused scar tissue beneath the surface
submerged
cold
frozen
numb
a scar forgotten
because it’s just better to not remember
life is easier that way
besides, somehow, remembering your wounds
is more uncomfortable for the ones that caused it
or
those closest to you who just don’t have the time of day,
to care
sympathy
empathy
compassion
so keep it inside
and mask your outside
let your guise, become a constant disguise
because bandaids don’t fit your cause
and gauze
can’t cover, all your scars
Ran Them Off
I like meeting new people
they don’t last though
bless your hearts, it’s me
pleased to make your acquaintance
but close the door after you run
I tend to covet my space
trapping the air in
so it too,
doesn’t run out on me
Little Lies
I lied
surprise, surprise
but truth unveiled to the eyes
would have been my demise
oh! how discomfort is despised
hath now comfort, disguised
or a trick of thy’s own mind
fore I rather be blind
then see the truth, in a lie
oh! how I rather die!
than to no longer live,
my little lies