She told me everything with her eyes, usually I never listen, always taken up with everything else in my day and the days to come except the moment at hand! But this time I refused to allow my mind to drift, usually preoccupied with things that could take care of themselves, if not wait for when I had time to address them. I saw that void behind her focus, saying so much yet assuming I’d miss her signs once again, but still there was a piercing hope that held no facade of need behind her electric gaze. Why had I kept her waiting for so long? It was my lack of confidence in self, believing her too good to feel something for average ol’ me. What could I offer, that a whole world of what I may consider more than qualified men, could offer? I don’t think now was a time to ponder that, besides she always spoke directly about the things she loved about me, but bashfully I let them roll off her tongue as candor and casual niceties that are no more fitted than for, anything but playful gab. Trying to guess a woman’s intent, in any capacity is enough to send you to a nuthouse. What was it again? Oh yea, she loved my words, believing beneath them all, held a layer much deeper than what she has ever experienced in another man, she “vibed off my spirit” she’d always say. Yea, the feeling was mutual, but it always ended with me drifting into fantasies of more carnal desires and the friction we could share that would rival the lightening bolts of Zeus himself. Though time again, I’d quiet those thoughts, knowing I do have that layer of depth, priding myself of being capable of maintaining cordial bonds with women that didn’t have to involve sex, after all my best friend is a woman, so I’d try hard to quell those fires. Believing I could be more than the typical man, that’s assumed to not be able to think beyond sex and never knowing any good reason for waiting, as if wanting it all right away was always a matter of life or death. But this time, to my own peril, I finally realized I had thought too much into it and waited too long. I break our silence suddenly saying, “I get it now”. By her look, I could tell she was puzzled, caught off guard, by my words. I finished by saying, “I hear you, finally, way later than I should’ve, in saying nothing, your eyes said it all, I should’ve known, claiming to know you so well, and I’m right there with you, I always have been…I was just scared I admit, over thinking like usual, but trust me, the way I feel about you keeps the fire squad on call!” She blushed so hard at that moment, only heightening her radiant glow, resembling the sun’s rays peeking over the horizon. We both needed each other, why lose another second. I wont explain what happened next, because no words can even describe the plain we took off to from there, some experiences just cant be explained with words.
So I know you’re probably wondering why did I take you on this intimate ride with no details of explosive passion to follow, well because I’m in prison right now. So obviously that couldn’t happen! See, most of us will go through these situations when we get out, with no real understanding of how to navigate through them. Because of the interactions we didn’t have, cut off from naturally socializing, we might almost be like teenagers in the way we struggle with self confidence, reading signs, and unable to properly communicate our emotions, let alone allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Our brains were usually on fight or flight autopilot, we had no time to let our guards down, and every reaction we had, was to read if someone was being genuine, or if someone was trying to handle or hurt us. Everyone else that we knew outside came and went, so questioning intent and preparing for departure kept us unable to just be in the moment and focus, always believing that those around would fade away, I mean why stay and wait for a person stuck in the same spot. A reflection of how we valued ourselves based on the temporariness of others, let alone never feeling heard or understood, yet becoming the greatest listeners which only gave us more situational companions because frankly, no one listens intently these days, so no one listened to them out there, like a person in prison would. Imagine having answers for everyone but yourself yet still, no one having answers for you, where do you turn? So going back into this fast paced world, being able to focus and feel, will be a struggle. See re-offending may depend on our relationships, if we are maintaining good relationships and are successful in reading those intimate and social tell-tell signs, than life will be much easier and we will feel less alien. But if we aren’t successful, then going into our head will just be another prison we enter that may lead us back to this prison. Having to read signs is an unneeded added stress, and unnecessary stress always adds unintended consequences. I am even trapped in my head a lot right now, not being able at times to see myself as more than an inmate. But the difference is that I realize it, so maybe I can combat it, but most of us can’t, being only used to structural and functional relationships. Most of us will get out one day, so where will we find respite, escape, and emotional outlet if not in our relationships? All that to say this, since 50% of Americans know someone in prison, help them with relationship and interactions, venture away from your comfort and stop with the signs assuming that they know because the signs we are used to reading serve to keep us safe, I used to use them for that and to cope and understand the people around me. Yes, I’m asking you to spell it out until we get familiar with the world again, because not being able to adjust and feel apart of something and someone will only accelerate the feeling of alienation and possibly start us back on a downward spiral. We know what and who we were for years in here, don’t forget to help us remember who we were and could be once free again.
Love
In the Eyes of the Beholder: Mea Culpa
I think what’s lost on people is that ‘guilty’ isn’t the only life changing judgement given to an incarcerated person. It’s not only the added judgement of those whom you don’t know that also is so difficult to tread through, but it is the judgement of those closest to you that really changes your life. Either for the better or for the worse, and often the worse sadly, because those are the opinions and affirmations we look to the most. And so, with that added space of unfamiliarity and judgement, incarceration becomes an added community and family of like struggle, adversity and pain. Because this side of the fence understands the hardships, the hidden scars, the denied emotions and the blocked traumas..simply because it’s all about survival. So we celebrate birthdays, holidays, familial reunions, new found or continued love and outdates! It’s tough to see those you form such a bond with leave, it’s weird to say as a man that you care about other men and have built deep storied intimate bonds, confiding in them your worst, while having those confidences relayed in this concrete jungle of testosterone and longing. I’m happy when I see those I grew to have a love and respect for leave, but it takes something out of you every time that you don’t know how to explain let alone refill. You don’t know how to talk about it, so we just go on, feeling that pang of loss and comfort leaving us once again. Just recently, a person left that has made such an intangible impact on my life in a short span of time and it’s hurt in a way I can’t describe. I have known of this person most of my bid but because of who they were, I never interacted with them until lately, which seemed almost a fateful encounter. I know it feels like I lost out on so much, and I only wonder how much more could I have gained from them had I not kept distance from them because of those prejudices, stereotypes and judgements that rule this side of the fence also. Effect, impact..are intangibles, they can’t be measured and come around boundlessly. Titles and identifications that create divides like gay, trans, different gangs, different colors, convicts etc shouldn’t be the decider of the core of a person and the possible influence they can have on you for the better. Let me speak in plain terms..I have lesbian aunts and cousins, a transgender brother and yet I question my manhood when it comes to speaking to those I’d title as such that aren’t family. I’ve always said titles don’t matter, it’s what’s beneath that shows the person, well someone of that ilk also challenged my hypocrisy and put my words to the test. Where am I going with this? I made a gay friend, no, I made a guy friend that even now I feel self conscious about but I hope to be his friend for years to come, because he not only taught me so much, but beneath it all he may be one of the greatest spirits I’ve ever met..save of course my best friend Katie! Nobody beating that, let’s get real folks! She brought the world YoungR.U.S.S. WayOfLife and Proseofacon! Hopefully I can continue earning his friendship ridding myself of my personal phobias, because he even kept his word once he got free, checked out my page and showed his support and he could be just focusing on freedom that he just acquired 72hrs prior. Me, being who I used to be holding one on one dialogues with him feeling like I had the eyes of the whole prison on me within the unit was maybe more mentally a struggle than any fight, war, riot, or hole stint i’ve experienced..that says a lot about shallow perceptions and how they rule us. I felt like I needed to come up with a reason if anyone ever asked, and he got it and respected it without taking offense, but in those moments I felt bad and I envied him, because I thought I had finally gained my freedom of self without care of opinion but I really hadn’t, but he does and THAT in itself was a lesson and so motivating empowering and revealing. A friend revered, hugged him one day and I was like I wish I could do that. I give it to some others comfortably, that same friend shared sentiments with me after his departure, I never knew they were also that platonically close, I was blind. I eventually shared a hug. Not all lessons come in words, most come in acts, and he embodied compassion, faith, understanding, respect and freedom of identity. I guess I still have awhile to go to find myself or to be comfortable with how I feel. The eyes of the world may see and judge me while in here and once out, because even some closest to me only see what they are lazy enough to see. In some eyes we will also be everything but who we are, but in our own eyes, we need to be confident in who we know that we have become and striving to be, no matter what people say or think, and the rest will take care of itself. I’m still bettering myself everyday, join me, I like to act as if I am ready to be free and have it all figured out but I keep finding things to work on, I’m just like you, an unfinished masterpiece. I can be a better father, friend, son, brother, and person, but im trending All The Way Up #facts Thank you Nikko!
Visit Day!
I was somebody capable of being loved before I became inmate, walk down this love lane-guage with me , as I speak to you about falling…or re-falling in love as an inmate. Its not the same as prison love, I’ll explain that concept another day, but right now let me tell you about a date I have. Yes, we can have dates in prison, we aren’t primitive! So this person is great. They are young imaginative passionate talented energetic vibrant athletic smart innocent kind of rough around the edges and high maintenance but that strong will and mind only breeds their pure love. They kinda remind me of myself, I guess its why I love them so much. Yes I said love, again I’m in prison, I’m not primitive! Sheesh! But its real love, biological in depth so to speak, cosmic and purposeful. Nothing in the world could have stopped this love from blossoming and us two finally meeting, let alone inhabiting this planet at the same time, it was meant to be I guess is what I’m getting at. I’m nervous, because they only know me over phone calls, letters, and videos…what if in person I’m not liked as much? Things can always be awkward and either be for the better or worse when you finally meet. Today will be the decider of that fate I guess. When I first heard them get all bashful and happy but also nervous when speaking of finally coming to see me, it warmed my heart and calmed my nerves a bit. I haven’t dealt with much outside of this prison life when it comes to meeting people on the outside, I’ve been locked up the whole time we’ve known of each other. Ah! And what about the first hug and kiss?! I’ve ironed my clothes, but I sprained my ankle playing football yesterday so I’ve been healing it because first impressions are lasting and I don’t want them to see me in a weakened state, so I’ve iced my ankle and kept it elevated and rotating it all night! Forcing myself to walk straight and strong through this pain all morning. I stayed away from working out and people so I couldn’t get any surprise sicknesses or injuries and that is exactly what happened when I played our game, oh well, nothing planned stays perfect. But the day is finally here, you all don’t know what I’ve been through to get to this day. The sacrifices I’ve made, the trauma I’ve fought, the ways I had to adapt and evolve in order to survive this land of violence and misery. I used to wonder if this day would ever happen, let alone if I’d get out in tact to be with them. I’ve protected my life an few times with them on my mind, willing myself to not be beaten, and on the other end willing myself to not give in to venting my frustration violently and staying positive, so I couldn’t ruin this fateful reunion. I’ve been scared through it all I admit, but not a coward, I embrace my own actions and reactions. Now I write to an audience and can share this great moment with you, I’m not polyamorous or unfaithful, but there’s two loves I want to meet, these loves you embrace and don’t appraise one over the other, but I can only have one for now and this isn’t settling so I’m just as enthused, because everything comes within time. I’ve seated on both of them with this time away but I’m paying that forward, my mission is my penance so to speak. So here we go, two hours away,..I will fill yaw in on how it went, maybe I’ll tell you who it is also..
ahh! and here we are, I hate cliff hangers…on the edge of my bed during lockdown for count and it is approx 53 minutes til visits start. A million things flying through my head, but mostly hoping for no difficulties with the staff that may ruin the visit…anything but that!
Well of course there were problems but I won’t dampen the mood speaking of those details, I also won’t kiss and tell, maybe details for another day, but all I can say is that long lost and long distance love is all its cracked up to be! We were just perfectly meshed…I guess I’ll let you in on their name…Treyvan, it was my youngest son! The best day I had in over half a decade!
The way we talked laughed cuddled fought joked and danced, oh I swear he can really dance! The saddest part was seeing his heavy head clutching onto the pics we took together as it was time to go, it went from not thinking I’d see him, to not believing he’d stay the whole time, to him not wanting to leave me. Every good love story has tears at the ending, I shed one I admit, but to see the crowd of people waiting to see the pics and hear about my time with him was a beautiful show of community love here in prison! And to my bro Nate, thanks for taking the time and sharing that moment with me.
Nothing else mattered every second I held him, those moments I wasn’t a felon or a inmate anymore, I was a father with a son that met him for the firs time and loved him without conditions. I guess that’s the picture often forgotten when all you know and see in someone is the display of them in their worst moment latched with a title and cause, while presented with a number and a facial photo crop. Today, I was a person again, and a child will never let you forget what real love feels like before we get older and jaded by opinions prejudices statistics stereotypes having to qualify love instead of quantifying it. Everything I’ve been through to get to this day, has paid off and was worth it. Today, his mother showed me the depth of forgiveness and parenting for the good of a child not self, the way she went out of her way is more than I can ask, everything takes time, she’s not late, she did it exactly when it needed to be done and that’s when she felt ready and comfortable, so thank you Liss. This isn’t to shame any of you out there that may hesitate bringing your child into a prison, comfortability isn’t manifested overnight, but just know that the effort, whatever that effort is, is what really counts. So, uh, it may take time but I’m willing to make this work, so whenever he’s ready, I’m up for a second date, love at first sight just isn’t so cliché as I thought!
Dear Josiah
Dear Josiah,
This will be a first of many letters I write. Truth is, I’ve always thought of writing a book of letters to you, and even recently my best friend, who is your Aunt Katie, advised me to write letters to you and send them to her and she’d keep them until you were ready to read them. So years ago and recently I’ve tried, it’s no great excuse but I’d get too emotional somehow, and my hand would tighten and start shaking. I couldn’t write a sentence! Here is where technology plays in, I guess it’s easier to type away, ironically the thing that keeps people at distance is what I’m using to hopefully bring you close again. Even now it’s hard, I finally got pictures of you after all these years…and my head screamed the same thing yours would if you saw me…”Who are you?!” I last remember a baby I used to feed, change, nap and shower with, a baby I watched born at 8lbs 5.8oz (which is incredible on my part because your father is hardcore yet squeamish) and now you are tall and grown, taking selfies in the mirror looking every bit like your mom. I can’t even see myself in you, I don’t know if it’s shame or guilt that blinds me and refuses to let me see myself in you. After all, it’s been your mother that’s been there the whole time. I lost myself and flew down the drain quickly after her and I split, I didn’t deal with my hurt well and it made me into a bad guy for awhile. You are my greatest regret from my greatest moment once upon a time at your birth. I want to tell you how much I love you, but what would that mean to you right now? I want to tell you that I am really a good man although I admitted that I became bad at one time, but how can you even fathom any good? I heard a quote and I asked the question with a twist, “if a man can become a monster, can that monster become a man again?” For so long I couldn’t see how or believe it, but often we are our own worst enemy and critic. I want to say that you got your athleticism and intellect from me, but you wouldn’t know that either? I see your mother’s smile, that smile that use to drive me crazy. How do I say when, where and why things went wrong? I can say it’s my fault. But what would sorry mean to you if you have a whole life without my presence, you don’t even know if you really are missing anything. I will say that there is so much to say, and this is the start of a series. I’m going to open up and tell you everything about me and my every mistake, your mom was perfect, and as for the blame, I will bear, without regret, on my shoulders…your dad is beasty strong too. What I will tell you is that you have a younger brother that doesn’t know about you yet, but one day when the timing is right, (I wish that was now because I shouldn’t be another reason for anything withheld in your life). He’s a ball of fire, and I know he’d look up to you because the young man I’ve heard about is nothing short of amazing. Baseball is all you, I never played it but your little brother Treyvan just started. He is 6. What I will tell you is I have fought to become a better man and I will succeed because you deserve a great father once I am able to come back into your life. I feel I don’t deserve a chance, but I will fight in every way that you can’t see now, but that will manifest one day within you. I won’t just be a father that’s been to prison, I will be a great example, a patient, humble, encouraging and loving father able to provide from doing what I love, because no matter the mistake, if you believe, and have the right people in your corner, you can do anything. So with that said, you have an Aunt to meet that has been in my corner and helped me want more and see myself beyond my past and as she knew me to be. But that’s in another chapter. I’m not a traditional type of person, I write as I feel although I’m organized, so I hope you take this rollercoaster ride with me. I’m tough but I’m a sucker for a love story, so I got this idea from the notebook. You are the love that I hope against all odds comes back to me one day, if not for love right away, then for answers. Finally…I can breathe, though my chest is tight and I may still tear up looking at your pics. I could go on but I’m going to restrain myself and do this step by step. I’ve given you one goodbye that lasted so many years, but never again, I will say goodbye many times because I’ll be coming right back many more. Goodbye Josiah, I love you
Sincerely,
Your Father
Russell H. Wardlow
p.s. I hope you don’t mind if I share my letters to you, it’s how I heal and stay open and honest. I’ve hid long enough, truth is for the light son.
M- Power
We need to help bring fourth more trailblazing feminist like Supreme court Judge Ruth Bader Ginsburg..she will either be a spark that stood amongst flames, being seen only in the moments she needed to for the greater good of women, decenting her opinions without worry of her all male colleagues, bringing fourth new laws. Equality as it is, and the women, as far as cultural economical political and societal advancement, for the most part in this millennium, have all, either knowingly or unknowingly, profited from her Consistent staunch and brave stances. So women, help your sisters, see themselves as equals and worthy, don’t compete and thwart each other, fighting for identity under a mans arm or workforce. Men, empower and praise women as the queens of life wisdom and emotional intellect that they are, don’t just them as jewels to wear and own, but polish them as priceless relics. In the words of the late Aretha Franklin,
“R E S P E C T” this is not a mans world, its a world of people, don’t lose that important common ground. Not color, not sex, not belief hierarchy, but a human kind. No one above all, but all above one, lifting each other up. I’m not against religion nor religious people, but just like in politics, but some not all people, who hold power over our institutions and messages aren’t always the best fit, and those dynamics cause suffering for so many. Mankind power is empower is M-power.
Questioned
Maybe I ask questions because I’m questioned
maybe I ask because I question being sequestered within a quotient
maybe I ask because some pleas and bargains just aren’t worth quoting
maybe I ask questions within this quotient because legislative quotes deem me as quota
when will my opinion count
when will I be heard
when will I be more than count
living inside of this herd
how can I live to take power from words
when now I live to empower through words
how can I live up, yet kicked down
how can I not give up once let down
how can I impress when compressed, I’m depressed
how can I impress when depressed living suppressed in pursuit of success under a title that sees me as much less yet still striving through too much stress
where was I going with this? so many questions only exist because most answers never satisfy
so many answers only commit to temporarily gratify
is my voice any lesser because I exist inside of my wrongs
is my voice any more impactful for those that long packed away their past
is my voice any more aggressive for those too passive to feel strong
is my voice any less absent since I’m just a post away from being in the past
I live in distance with the promising hope of love
I live caged in yet my promise only peeked hope from me opening up
I live in the connections garnered as a con, so my fall is a pro
maybe you can live more in your pains because in them we’re learning to grow
you can find that the answers are in the questions you ask
questioning instead of accepting helps you become more than a past, the past, and your past
and with that, my last question asked
when will I start seeing my wounds as just scars, and not what I feel you see them as (a large gaping gash)