Momma you out now! I have a secret…I’ve always loved you, but have always been ashamed of you. Maybe it was since I’ve never been comfortable completely with myself and my story, then naturally, it was too hard to embrace your part in it when speaking to others. I mean how would I do that? Giving all that information of myself and you, yet feeling like I had nothing good enough to offer up about myself or you, unless someone knew me well, so I felt all I’d be doing is just giving people even more to see me as less. I felt toxic, broken, tainted,..no contagious, yea, I felt like knowing me and getting too close would infect people. And we all have enough that we regret and to be sad about right that? So why add my confusion on top? I always spoke of your love, never your past or your path, but of your passion. Your love was always like some kind of serum or elixir that I never understood but it was magnetic and I seemed that love, because I never found that type of heightened raw and boundless love. And so, its how I knew and learned how to love, by admiring yours from a distance and up close at those rare moments we were in each others lives, I always felt understood and accepted by you, like you knew a me that I hadn’t discovered or found worth in. The flaw in your love was that I tried even to this day to copy it and offer it to people that didn’t deserve that kind of love and all it did was serve to further break me down. Loving the wrong people does that..it was like a revolving circle, because your love broke me down too. Because I couldn’t have it as much as I needed it, so I chased it in women and friendships! I craved acceptance and boundless bonds, but most never understood my passion depth leaps and bounds, because most people never experienced raw love like that, but I did and I thank you for that, because I never questioned your love and how many can say that about anyone?! I know why and how I’m strong, because I am in awe of your strength fight and hope…just as people get confused by me, I used to get confused by how can you experience so much dark yet speak so much of light as if it was all going to be alright? It never made sense, but I always knew that there was always another level of contentment that I could aspire to even in the midst of my pain and darkness. Even the ways you’d speak of feeling when I was going through things, and I was, even denying it, it spooked me hearing how you knew. Being so distant yet you still were so connected to my heart and spirit. I never believed in things like that, but I used to pillow talk to my girlfriends about you like you were some kind of savant. I’m not proud to admit this, but there’s been times I’ve wanted to turn off the lights forever…even during this time, I guess I don’t speak of it a lot thinking I can always over power my experiences by wiping them from my memory but you always remember. Every time, date, admission and all as if it was some dark holiday and you’d give me this sense of everything will be alright, sometimes with and without all that cliché holy spiritual motivational talk, but mostly with your love language which I’m convinced is a language all on its own. Even now…mom, even now sometimes I wonder about the dark, but somehow through your darkest moments, you made it through. I vaguely remember these stories you tell me about how you used to talk to me when it was just you and I, a bond built from within your belly sitting beneath your broken heart, hearing its anxious rhythms I suppose kind of gave me an ear for the pain of others. There’s so much good that you have done that just can’t be seen and only is felt or maybe just heard, but how could I explain that? You’d sound like an alien, because connections love and perseverance like yours is sadly foreign. And all your mistakes were right thick on the surface, just as deep as everyone else, for all to see…so I figured that I’d just keep my personal business to myself. Even now I have that habit of controlling how much of my personal business is known, yet I can speak freely to everyone of their own situations. It just seems safer that way, not feeling like I may have to cringe expecting certain reactions if I ever spoke my whole truth, which at times I don’t even feel like I know. I’ve repressed so many things that I can’t stay present for one second without trying to make it to the next, not dealing became a way of life. And I put you in that “not dealing” category..it made sense to me, sometimes even now it still makes sense. I know I’m not the only one that hides, but the problem is that I’ve also hidden. Sometimes not even knowing how to show you affection up close from being so guarded internally for so long, even though I loved you, I guess I just didn’t know exactly how to be a son. Its something I’m getting used to, I felt more in control wanting to keep us at an even level as friends and preferring you just view me as a grown man, as if keeping emotions under control would keep things more clear and less messy. I struggle a lot with letting go of control of how much I let people get in, and what they know about me once they are in, and you shouldn’t be one of those people. And I’m sorry for that. The silly things we do to protect ourselves by keeping others at arms length, but how else do we survive. I never understood that I had been spending most of my life just surviving, staying closed off and being numb, only choosing to feel within fleeting moments of relationships to keep from losing another thing I had no idea how to keep since it wasn’t a thing to be controlled. But I guess the only way to change a pattern is to force yourself into the other direction. I found too many comforts in things that only hurt me in the long run, ironically, coping was also self defeating sometimes. But I’m end this by just saying that I love you #1, I’m proud of you and can’t wait to explore this new chapter. Your love strength and hope inspires me. |
Love
Heart on My Sleeve
“Heart On My Sleeve”
I wear my heart on my sleeves
so I guess my shirt implies what I can put up with today
I wear my heart on my sleeves
my biggest decision every morning is which shirt will put my heart on display
I wear my heart on my sleeves
and being this transparent, its hard finding a shirt to match
I wear my heart on my sleeves
so the colors reflect my emotional state, like a mood ring as a matter of fact
I wear my heart on my sleeves
now the next decision is the length of sleeves and will I dress down
I wear my heart on my sleeves
long sleeves are lively and have more room for love and let downs
I wear my heart on my sleeves
mid sleeves are anxious and bear the angst from recent frustrations
I wear my heart on my sleeves
short sleeves leave no room for heart ache and agitation
I wear my heart on my sleeves
and if I have no shirt….well at least you know
I wear my heart on my sleeves
so if you see no sleeves, Just.Leave.Me.Alone
To me, style has always been about bringing attention to how I feel
Needless to say, but my look says it all-I’m.In.Khakis! Where’s the appeal?!
but I’ll say it out loud if I have to, so there’s no room left for doubt
I wear my heart out, my outfit wears me thin, and so My Heart Is Worn Out
So I wear my heart on my sleeves,
like there’s anywhere else to put it..
—
“behind my eyelids”
I hate the movies that reel,
behind my eyelids
they always depict how I feel,
behind my eyelids
they always play what I conceal,
behind my eyelids
pain journeys beyond my shield,
behind my eyelids
hidden scars tear at my veil,
behind my eyelids
issues become too many to deal,
behind my eyelids
so many things I wish I could kill,
behind my eyelids
life seems too real,
behind my eyelids
my breath gets caught as my layers unpeel,
behind my eyelids
because the things I see gives me the chills,
behind my eyelids
honestly I’m too far from healed,
behind my eyelids
and I can’t take the truth revealed,
behind my eyelids
I rather you see the color in my eyes,
then the story they tell-
but if you look too deeply, you’ll see dark secrets,
so my sunglasses keep people and light repelled-
because I’m ok with you knowing me,
just not with you knowing me well-
even I’m shaken by the facts of myself,
and fear that you’ll see what I see, a living hell-
—
“truth”
does my truth unearth your lies?
does my truth highlight what you hide?
does my truth cut your pride?
does my truth blacken your eyes?
does my truth embolden your truth?
does my truth help you face ‘you’?
does my truth help you stay true?
or does my truth pain you?
does my truth paint you?
what color?
does my truth shade you?
how dark?
does my truth pave you?
how smooth?
does my truth fade you?
how clear?
does my truth phase you?
how long?
does my truth frame you?
what pose?
does my truth shame you?
how so?
does my truth name you?
what? why? how? when? where?
does it matter the context of truth?
does it matter when truth is given?
is truth a freedom, or a prison?
is truth forbidden, or forgiven?
is truth blind, if not, then with what color eyes?
you see where I am, you see more of my truth.
but how many see you?
do you see you?
then what do you see?
is that the truth? really?
if not, then worry less of mine
until you find yours and can face it freely
knowing others see it
yet you embrace it proud as skin
because truth is beautiful
—
“hatelovedislikeyou”
I hate you, why shouldn’t I?
why shouldn’t you, hate me too?
why shouldn’t we, hate eachother?
love is just as strong a word as hate
why can’t we admit that love is Nothing… without hate!
so I hate you!
and I hate me!
and you hate me!
and you hate you!
and we hate us!
and we hate them!
and they hate us!
but there’s no hate… if there’s no love?
so we just love, love, love, and love so strong
even though when we love, love, love, we love wrong
but so what?!
because if we don’t fight
then love, is just ‘like’
and what is love like, if love is really like?
well if love is like, then there’s no hate
because like, is too weak to hate
so dislike replaces hate
and I feel that’s more true than saying, I hate you!
because hate and love aren’t real
we use them too much, how can it be special?
but like and dislike, is real
hate is just a strong emotion, it lies, its impulsive-like us
and it’s is never taken serious
and we’re never taken serious
and you never take me serious
and I never take you serious, let you tell it..
but dislike is feeling-it takes thought, and somehow is less casual-unlike us
so its respected more
and you don’t respect me enough
and I don’t respect you enough, let you tell it..
love isn’t taken serious anymore
love, you don’t take me serious anymore
love, I don’t take you serious anymore, let you tell it..
we aren’t hateful
but I don’t know why we say hate for
hate what? hate why? I hate your ” “!
love is exploitive
hate is expletive
love and hate is abuse, where we exploit expletives
like is efficient
dislike is business
like and dislike are careers
and we aren’t successful
we’re still young, but damn, act your age!
“shut up, I hate you!”
..see what I mean?
“you’re right, I don’t like this anymore”
that’s strange, I believe you
“I’m sorry, I’m leaving”
no wait, comeback, I love you!
“don’t say shit you dont mean, you just like the idea, should’ve told me you liked me, I’d have stayed I think…goodbye”
go then! I’m good without you! I hate you!
“no I hate you! that’s why I’m leaving!”
I don’t care, I hate you!
I love you too
“I know you do”
let’s start over
“with what? like?”
yea, I like that idea, do you?
“yea, I dislike the thought of losing you”
I believe you
“I’ll never lie..on purpose”
than never say hate
“only if you never say love”
I love you 😛
😉 “I love you too, can’t help can we?”
its just a word
“until you believe it”
do you believe me?
“I try to”
well what shoyukd we say next?
“fuck it, on three together…”
one. “one”
two. “two”
three. “three”
“I HATE YOU!”I LOVE YOU!
hatelovedislikeyou
“huh?”
hate loved, is like you
“like us”
I love you
“Me2”
For my Boys
Feel, then Share this, matter of fact, you don’t gotta feel it, but share it! There’s many more that have this same pain and are either new to it, or have gone through it far longer than me! My son’s 10th birthday just passed by this Mother’s Day. Already being in prison, what I want most is to connect back with my son. Again, I still haven’t been able to talk to him, I don’t know what he knows or thinks of me. I haven’t seen many pictures of him, but I’m not mad. I’m hurt! I hurt like hell! I won’t get into extra detail, but this is what I want you to share. This hurts me, grown men do feel, but this won’t break me. I don’t mean that as a shot at his mom, she is still loving and providing for our son, so for that I’m happy because he still is loved, even if my love isn’t felt.
This hurt isn’t a set back, or a reason for me to get mad and hate the world, every morning I wake up and say to myself, “what if the worst happens?” and my answer is, “and still I’ll go on”. What if…the answer is, so what! Don’t let bad news break and define you. This only has tested my foundation and validated how fortified what I’m building and becoming is. But even more, this is fuel! This pain is motivation! These tears welled, and I kept them from falling, because my Will rose even higher. I’m going to work even harder to get my message out there! I’m going to build and be better every.single.day! Prison is a platform, we feel and go through everything every day. I’m going to write more, read more, speak more, pray more, believe more, listen more, lead more, and be that dad that my sons will be proud of. Seeing the effects of my rise, instead of just the cause of my fall.
So to anybody behind bars, even in life, but especially yaw in prison, take that pain and let down. Let it feed you, feed off that raw hurt and become stronger and better for it, because the real test and measure of a person down, is how they react when more bad news comes around. Don’t get tired, get activated, because pain is just reminding you that you feel, don’t hide from what you feel, because to feel means you are alive. My son may not know it, but when he does witness my life, he will see life and that I’m living. He will see light! What will your loved ones see?
Grit and Grind! Prison is a mindset, your feet may be bound and your wrists chained, but your mind is free! So until your body matches your mind, fight and become, don’t just take it and remain. I hurt even now, but it’s koo, I’m alive, and I’m not the only one going through it. Someone somewhere always has it worst, so reach out to those yaw know, because pain isn’t only felt when its spoken. Support isn’t just there when you doing good, but they understand not only when, why but also allow you to have bad days without judgement and offer their support, even if you don’t accept. (thanks Katie)
I was down Sunday, but I’m up Monday, and ready for the week..one day at a time, even when you feel weak, you’ll still make it through the week
R.U.S.S.
—
For my Boys-
“Drive.U.Thru”
my mom laid the road,
so I could drive through.
just as I did sons, embrace the bumps,
because they’ll drive you.
at times you may wreck,
take heed to your hindview.
it’s not all about whats infront,
because some things can blind you.
willingly accept, then apply positive directions,
I hope my voice is OnStar inside you.
“don’t go there, I been there, and did that..
please do better than what I do.”
there are always dangerous alleyways and deadends,
creeping up around the corner and beside you.
there may even be unclear roads and foggy days,
but trust in God and let that be the light that guides you.
at times you may not even want to hit the road,
regardless how you turn over, get up and let love ignite you.
you can even get fatigued by the same result,
but you will break thru, make self belief blaze like a fire inside you.
and just like my mom’s bumps in the road inspired me,
I hope the bumps I paved, motivates and inspires you.
so you can traverse great distances over smoother terrain,
because good roads last longer than drive thru’s.
—
“leaving you, left me”
I leave you with goodbyes
I leave your goodbyes, trying to keep my glow
I left your goodbye, and lost my glow
because I’m left inside of goodbye, until I see my son
and then I can glow again
but without you, all I know is
shade
darkness
a pit
a hole
abyss
I’m back in prison, after our visit
when I held then sun in my arms
still hot from our embrace
but now fading cold and dark from your distance
I never believed I could leave your goodbye, still glowing long after
because life without your son is darkness
every time I leave you, parts of me fall and get left behind
only to be found when I see you again
but I smile my pain to convince you my joy
and I wear your hurt from our goodbye like a father should
but so once I left your goodbye
I left my glow behind with it…
you didn’t see it, I wouldn’t let you
and now im back in prison, cold and dark
until next time I see my son,
sorry you have to leave, even though is leaves me dim
I’ll never let go of your light
goodbye
Happy birthday Josiah!
“sorry son”
I love you and miss you
I wish I could kiss you
the distance has chiseled
a piece from my middlethough I’ve had my issues
its nothing against you
it must have convinced you
that I’m less than gentleI never would hurt you
I never had hurt you
though I know I hurt you
ever since we drifted furtherand I don’t deserve you
I know I’m not worthy
my tears always flurry
and fall in a hurrywhen I think of you hurting
and the things that you heard
but I swear that I’m searching
and my arms are still reachingbut I can not reach you
not because I haven’t tried
maybe some rather I leave you alone
but I can never leave you aloneI try to respect them
you have a father!
he isn’t white
you have another sidehe miss you daily
he wish he could write
he wish he could call
and you pick up the phoneyou’ve been around
when he’s on the phone
but you do not know
and that kills him slowbut he doesn’t show
he just prays and hopes
because you’re so close
but to you he’s a ghostto them he’s a monster
but that’s just not honest
he respects your mama
it’s just that his past is always conjuredbut it ends in a comma
because he’s still living
his story is still being written
and its far from finishedthat was a chapter
he’s building a future
but you’re what he’s after
you’re not a bastardyou’re more than a fraction
I know that you’re fractured
and you’re half
of a man you may be chasing afterand your mama don’t know it
you may not how to voice
being a child feeling a void
it’s not like you have a choiceso I get it son
but one day this will be over
and no matter where you go
I’ll be right over your shoulderas you get older
we’ll become even more closer
and hopefully we’ll both capture closure
until then, happiness will only be a matter of exposure
—
“10years ago”
10 years ago I became a father
10 yeas ago I remember holding you swaddled
10 years ago I remember holding you and your mama
10 years ago I remember you sucking on my lip like it was your bottle
10 years ago I remember holding you close with your eyes closed watching you swallow the last of the foam from the formula in your bottle
10 years ago I seen the first reflection of me
10 years ago I kissed the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen
10 years ago I witnessed the birth of a King
10 years ago I held you up like Simba in the Lion King
10 years ago I forgot about all of my problems
10 years ago I had risen up from out of the bottom
10 years ago I was no longer feeling hollow
10 years ago I held your moms hand as she pushed you into this world like a champ and I snipped the umbilical cord that followed
10 years ago I reached the peak of the highest mountain
10 years ago I held up the world back when it weighed 8pounds, 5.8ounces
10 years ago seems more than just 10 years ago
but how can anyone keep count the age of a miracle?
Happy Birthday Josiah, I love you son
—Happy Birthday Josiah,
its kind of crazy celebrating your birthday alone this year in somber guilt-like silence yet again, and ironically it falls on Mother’s Day! Because your birthday is the first time I witnessed the strength of a woman, that being your Mom on that day, and the miracle of birth, that being the King you arrived as. I won’t waste time speaking of the past, I want to just say briefly if possible that you give me so much strength and hope, also motivation in life. Because you were the first thing in life that showed me that I can be something more than just myself, and that’s a father. I took that for granted, but I now know that being a father is more than just being a parent. I never had that example, but its no excuse because when a child is brought to you, we have no choice but to learn on the job and let go of self and get ready to give without complaint. Give everything with a smile! Having a child isn’t the weight, the weight is actually learning to be selfless. A father is just as needed as a mother, for guidance, strength, discipline, love, protection, identity, and understanding the role of a man and how he is to act towards women. A father is not in prison, but he Can, father from prison. I can’t right now with you, but I’m building every piece of myself up so when I get that chance again, I won’t mess that up. You are so beautiful, great, better than me, and the first moment I understood the depth and meaning of sacrifice. There’s nothing in life I wouldn’t give up just to be able to know you again and earn being your father because I know coming into your life as if I’m entitled to loved listened to and respected is not right nor realistic. But I’m comforted by the job your mom is doing, and though I know the importance of fathering, I know even more the importance of showing you that I will respect your mom and wait until she is ready, if there’s anything I can show you is the importance of respecting and loving women. Especially since I didn’t know that lesson as early as I should’ve, and people deal with their pain in their own time and ways. So again, I’ll silently celebrate your birthday again for another year, truthfully in pain, but I don’t even compare it to anything that you may feel and not know how to voice yet. God you’re so beautiful..starring at your picture as I write this. Man I love you dude, I really do..but you getting to that age where this mushy stuff might not be you…and you’ll probably be beyond kissing age by time I’m out, but I’ll hug the shit out of you! Memories I already had with you can never be taken away, so I just work everyday to prepare myself for the days to come that I will have more. Even if I’m met with your anger, I’ll take it, give you time, and keep coming back time and time again, because I will never not be there again. I will never fail that duty to you Son. Yea man..Happy Birthday Jooce! Josiah Henry-James Wardlow
10 years old smh…Sheesh! Girlfriends are a thing now huh?! If you’re a lover like your parents..they in trouble! 😉
I love you Son
They Say
“they say”
they say love is a bank
but the things we deposit
just isn’t worth saving
what are we saving?
cuz we both withdraw
and still end up broken
they say love’s a vacation
I get it we trip
most days we just lay in
and we never work at it
we drink and reek havoc
then pass out in the midst of each others madness
they say love is
because, love IS
and the moment you say what love isn’t
then no longer does love live
—
“so low/solo”
I’m so low
I’m solo
I keep my business on the low low
but I wear my heart like a logo
in my feels, feeling like I’m going loco
I been feeling so low
I been living so low
I feel like I need soul-grow
because my soul isn’t solar, it’s so/so-
so dark,
I need the light
but I run from it
its too bright
for me to learn from it
I’ll go blind and burn in it
so all I ever do is turn from it..
now that light
is at my back
but it doesn’t light
up the track
honestly,
I don’t like where I’m at
like,
what’s the point of life,
if all I ever do is lack?
go ‘head,
you can laugh!
heard it all,
wont be the last!
doubt if God,
wants me to last
I walk forward,
but I see the past
too close!
when I read the glass
…noises in my head
but fuck you sanity!
I’ll never need you back!
I’m so low
I’m solo
—
“untitled”
what’s a promise?!
just a word.
hollow air.
like your love!
cold nights
you strayed and left me, I went right
3 a.m. we awake to no lights
eclipse, from a solstice
loving you is rolling dice
never knowing what I’ll get
haunted by your poltergeist
never needed to see you to see the wreck you’ve left
I’m in the blind
but love is,
“and so is love,” they say,
though your snowed in cold shoulders shrug
tears begin to avalanche, but I choke them up
you aren’t worth them
you aren’t worth it
you aren’t worthy
your lack of worth only made it worse
only made me worse
only made me work
more lonely, thinking if only I could escape the hurt
then I could replace the burr
of the blistering wind, whistling mistakes I’ve never faced that blurred
the truest face of her
but its time I crack open reality
tilt up my fears
and swallow my pride
to kill those butterflies you once gave me
hopefully i’ll throw them up
just to get you out of my system
I’ve been through enough
I saw my Dad for the first time
I saw my dad for the first time
I wonder if who I am now, would’ve made you proud?
I saw my dad for the first time
I wonder how my life would’ve been different, if you were around?
I saw my dad for the first time
I wonder if you would’ve seen yourself, inside of my smile?
I saw my dad for the first time
I wonder what words you’d have told me, when ever I was down?
I saw my dad for the first time
I wonder what it would’ve been like, seeing you cheer me on in the stands?
I saw my dad for the first time
I wonder what you would’ve taught me most, about being a man?
I saw my dad for the first time
and I just noticed, that you never held me in your hands?
I saw my dad for the first time
but he’s never seen me, I just got a picture of him, he’s been dead 30 years, I’m 30…damn, we never had a chance!
…
and I hate him for it, you hear me?! I hate you dad!
I really don’t, I’m just really mad
thinking of the moments and possibilities, We Never had
and that I grew up NEVER uttering the word Dad
why did you mess up?!
I want to blame you as if you’re the reason why I’m so messed up?!
my mom had to deal and live through that guilt, wilting becoming lesser
after 30 years I met my brother, but not your family maybe that’s for the better
because I’m probably so much like you, that all I’ll ever do is cause them pain
maybe the memory, maybe the visual, maybe my personality, or maybe the fact my grieving mother gave me your name!
my whole life has been a blanket of shame!
what if that night never happened?!
what if I didn’t grow up repressing shit, depressed and lost in a rage like you
afflicted by violence liquor and the beer taste like you
demons I battled, with too many shadows I had to chase like you
I never knew you, but I ended up putting my hands on a woman’s face like you!..
I’ve failed so far as a father being distant and unavailable just like you!
speaking of being a father, I never had an example!
you lost it after life got outside of what you had planned and could handle
where you at dad?!
is heaven even real?!
would you even go considering the reason you were killed?
I just got close to God, and I don’t even have a clue
I don’t know if I should be looking up or looking down when I’m thinking of you
but I smiled so big when I saw your picture, you was a handsome dude
it made me proud to know that, still chasing vanity even in a somber mood
I think I really love you, though I don’t know how
I guess that gives me hope for gaining forgiveness and love from both my sons one day when I’m out
I look at you everyday..but you never talk back
you have shades on your face like I always do, in many ways we match
I heard my voice is soft like yours, ironically chasing things that I’ll never see and believing them as facts
but that’s the makings of faith
I try to make sense of myself when I’m facing your face
I get lost in your picture and somehow I believe that I know you
I guess you have a look that I’ve searched for my whole life that’s just so easy to go to
I bet you would’ve understood me huh? I’m 50 shades of your ingredients
spent so long searching for meanings and reasons that years became seasonless
but I finally saw you for the first time…and I can see you forever now
it’s easier this way anyway, because a picture can never let you down…