my friend’s mom recently was found unresponsive
she had a heart attack
he voiced this to me after our morning workout
telling me he needed to talk
he had been up all night
she ended up with stints in her heart
and supposed to make a recovery
he showed me a pic of her in the hospital
then told me how there’s temporary memory loss after her surgeries
so his brother told him that when she had first came to-
she asked his brother
“where’s jalen at”
he had to remind her that her son is in prison
he’s here in prison with me obviously
and he said to me
“can you imagine waking up from a surgery and having to relive that memory of your son being gone in prison?”
Love
fearful love
fear and love
those two things can’t coexist together the way that we force them too
love is liberating
fear is captivity
often I’ve noticed in relationships
if one of the two cave to fear more than love
they’ll ask their lover if they can make changes to accept them at lower areas where they are more comfortable at
instead of rise out of their fears and love them at the level where both can succeed
too many concessions compensations and compromises made for the sake of being nothing more than comfortable
and any push becomes an assault on the other’s level of love for not accepting them as is
instead of a declaration of “I love you so much that I want better for of and from you”
we don’t teach each other how to love and want more
we create a cultural norm where to want more is an option and dangerous
rather than an inherited and natural journey of any life
so no one learns how to love at levels other than the ones they are most comfortable at
symbolic of the lack of growth and evolution we have day to day when it comes to accepting another for who they are
let alone our cultural standard for making people go through lifetimes of hell to finally be comfortable at just one of their truths
so I wonder
how many people fall in love and then settle as if there’s nothing more to be gained
therefore, nothing can be lost
versus those that fall in love, and then fly together
if we’re taught to fear a God of Love
then what kind of love do you think we will settle for and divvy out to each other?
Happy Birthday Josiah
Happy Birthday Josiah
I remember your beautiful image vividly the day of your birthplace Josiah
I don’t mean to be selfish but I wish I was there on your birthday Josiah
although I know its my fault why I ain’t there in the first place Josiah
I heard you play baseball and I wish I was there to call you home safe, to home plate, like at third base Josiah
cuz I wanna get back to u as fast as I can cuz this hurts in the worst place Josiah
this hurts in the worst way
and for so many years I refrained from saying ya name
as if saying would set me a flame
I acted helpless and shamed
I was selfish and vain
and that welded a stain
that’s been pelted by rain
with umbrellas embellished with fangs
that would relish in my skeletons and never restrained
I felt lower than sediment, just a lowly specimen with alotta irrelevant change
that brought me no reverence I was severed with an evident strain
many empty days with no drive only peddling angst
I was hellish not a saint
but now that hell shhhh is faint
like my presence in your life
I’ve been sick without you, and no medicine can’t
add that glow back to my melanin
my lil Lion, nothing will ever be…the same
without your heavenly mane
I can have it all
but still one level remains
because I’m lost and last without you,
beautifully golden complexion, you are my medal to gain
because I won it all when I had you
and lost it all when I lost you
but there’s no more hiding, so no more jekyl remains
no more disguised regrets heckled in chains
because now I will never settle until I can make you feel loved and special again
by the father that you deserve, not just some fellow that gave you a name
Dear Josiah,
I’m more than what’s been said of me, though I deserve everything said since I wasn’t there to speak for myself, and for that and an infinite amount of things that I will be making up for in my lifetime, I am deeply sorry
it took getting here to understand the loss of true value, because the other things I hung onto, like my own pains, had taken the form of value and I allowed them to out value you
apologies never sound good, they aren’t really supposed to-its a statement of things most people rather not have to confront all over again, all just to admit responsibility and express remorse-but its a start, a new start, just like each moment and every day that we get in this life, its a chance for a new start, as long as we see it that way, then nothing is ever too far out of reach or too broken to be fixed, everything remains possible and limitless
and in my dreaded distance from you, I have learned the extent of redemption and the limitlessness of love and life
and like an apology, I, You, no, We, are just getting started
I am eternally sorry Josiah and I have every intention to spend my lifetime making my love and apology felt all throughout your life, the day you are willing to have me in it
I left and lost you at 2, you’ll be 13 by time I’m free…that gap is a lifetime all of its own
creating the hole in your child is never a parents intention, but working to make them whole is a lifetime of itself, and I will be part of the destruction period, count on that
I never forgot you, I just couldn’t reach you, I had to respect the people who were doing what I wasn’t in your life, some situations aren’t meant to be controlled no matter how much you want to, but if you can find the peace in letting go, and trust the process while learning to love yourself thru the treacherous moments when you second guess-remembering there’s more than just yourself being affected-than you will learn value strength trust and patience in their rawest forms and it will make you all the better on the other side of it
the other side in this equation is the day I can finally see you and say,
“I Love You So Much Josiah, Happy Birthday” and then give you a hug because you might just be too big to want your dad kissing on ya cheeks…but it doesn’t mean I still won’t try!
Our Nature
I cared for the ground she walked on
I cared for the water he drank from
I cared for the trees the little ones climbed
and I cared for the air that we all breathe
it’s all connected
we’re all connected
though fear may keep us separated
our nature,
our true nature
is within nature
not without
and love,
keeps us all connected as one
because there can’t be one,
without the other
to destroy nature
is to destroy our own nature
therefore destroying ourselves
“when life imprisons you… feel free”
I can never be a kid again
if you keep being so serious-
and we can never kid again
I can never be grown enough
if you keep telling me-
I’m just not old enough
You know the feeling when you’re kinda driving around and don’t know exactly where you’re going, like you have an idea and maybe even some directions but for what’s in front of you none of it makes sense, and you’re so tense- frustrated and anxious, but then a new calm comes cascading over you like shade from ocean, like clouds on the move, and you start to feel good, rested and peaceful from the extra time in the car, lost in your own way, enjoying the space and scenery, almost defiant to the demands of time and the constraints of endless ‘must do’s’ all around you.
And then even that brief respite in reflective paradise ends, and it’s back to life where all these directions just don’t apply to your journey, yet still you make sense of them if only to fit in and at least know there’s something you’re doing right.
But what of a kid, a kid being constantly stuffed by the baggage missteps and pains of the adults around him. Teaching him to repress repress repress, conform, don’t, not, no, stop
anything but feel, seek, and discover, finding yourself without fear of punishment inflicted upon him because their fears and haunted memories of not getting it right and feeling empty, weighing so heavy on him that he soon grows with the weight of both adulthood demands and childhood curiosities conflicting without enough understanding love and ability to navigate even just one of them all on its own.
So he grows in that car, following directions he can’t read, concocting peace down certain avenues that may only serve to hurt him more down the road giving him lessons of punishment- replacing time and love, which hardens his heart to love, straining his capacity to take in any semblance of peace, all the while still cruising on without knowing his own identity, because he has been every bit of denial and force imposed upon him, that he has yet to learn how to live and not fear mistakes, so he overcompensates at the wheel, tense in his direction, veering into crash after crash, all avoidable but now he believes that this is the experience of life, crash til u make it, and maybe after enough accidents you’ll finally find your way.
I titled this “when life imprisons you…feel free” because ultimately we start life without any control. We’re simply a learning robot, absorbing all things around us, being prodded by every kind of authority figure, never able to leave that robotic identity, instead of growing a conscience for ourselves, we grow up and learn to navigate life as robots, living without free thought, without self autonomy.
But the ‘feel free’ part speaks to the decision to feel something else but trapped and imprisoned, to tell your mind to experience something different than what you’ve told it time and time again, daring to feel emboldened to become more than assigned or expected. It’s up to us to decide how we feel, that’s something that can’t be controlled. We can decide, regardless if we want to do something or not, if it feels good, experience it.
Feeling is searching for freedom, it’s becoming intimate with your experience, it provides purpose to emotions.
Feeling is the freedom we have constantly in endless supply once we become properly aware of it, so many of other peoples feelings get enforced upon us that we can’t even recognize our own from the many, so we digress and stuff our true nature deep down and never bother to uncover it again because digging deep takes more work than stuffing, stuffing is now second nature to most of us.
But when the levy breaks, what’s deep down which has been laden and bottled up, will want to get out. So how do you give it proper air to breath before it comes out in a burst uncensored and uncontrolled, distorted from what it once was after being compromised by repression for the sake of others?
So often, we apologize for who we are, for who we’re trying to become, and for who we’re still trying to discover within ourselves because shouldering someone else’s weight is more easier than our own, we find comfort in our discomfort by making others more comfortable. We haven’t been brought up to love and explore ourselves freely, fiercely and fearlessly, and use that love found of self to love others, and not at the cost of our selves.
Because we know not all directions are created equal. Each of us has their own path specific to them, and we do more for humanity by allowing everyone to find it their own way rather than coercing their journey.
Simply put, feeling free happens in stages or cycles like all things, and it starts at allowing our kids to feel themselves and encourage them along their paths and embolden them with every turn, not jump in taking control, taking them our own route.
A child has to learn how to be an adult, and an adult shouldn’t have forgotten how it was to be a kid, with those lessons maturing them. Because a kid is free, exploring, loving, learning, falling and rising. It’s the adults that snatch that childhood away and feed them distorted views of life and reality that only serve to imprison them. So to ‘feel free,’ we have to stop imprisoning ourselves and unlock the prisons we place upon our kids.
And just drive with the windows down. And get where you’re going when you get there. No shortcuts. Just enjoy the ride and find yourself in the journey.
Embrace the difficulties. They make the ride worthwhile. Without them, you couldn’t tell what was good if nothing was bad. The bad points you to the good, so it all works out in the end, because you can’t truly know one without the other.
So ‘feel free’ and let the kids live a little, and find then, reclaim your inner child by watching them, because when life imprisons us all, the only ones that didn’t get the message are our kids, unless we don’t allow them to do what we don’t do, which is, ‘feel free.
How to change the world
Find your inner power
to empower-
self, and all
directing your thoughts
allowing them to guide you
your speech,
beliefs,
and actions
manifesting your desired path
think to do,
and become
transcend thoughtlessness
and thinking to think
thinking hopelessly,
or even hopefully-
halts your power
claim, and then enforce, your power
bury barriers
conquer trying
and become
become powerful
using more than intellect
engage your insight and imagination
engineering reflection
and harnessing foresight
use compassion as your compass
both for self,
and others
allow love-
self love
and love for all-
to ignite your passions
dare to embrace
and fly free
soaring on a knowing impulse
honing a oneness of instincts
exploring a new understanding of feeling
discovering introspective and innovative wisdoms
striving to know your authentic self
through fearlessness
courageous defying second thoughts
impulse is your soul reaching
passion is your spirit yearning
desire is your mind indulging
and love,
is your heart exploring
instincts will then be the working of all these things
demonstrating and declaring,
your highest expressions of self
living is transcending focus on worldly ways
and navigating the world in your way
using emotions as identifiers of experience
being moved by the causes in the world
that call to you
causing you to move consciously-
to do something compassionately
loving boldly
negating fearsignoring perception
deaf to judgement
fiercely standing apart
to become whole
and create wholeness-
oneness with all by example
believing one person can change the world
believing yourself, powerful enough-
To Change The World