Prose of a Con

Poetry and Prose by Russell Wardlow

Inside

The Nerve of You

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you came to prison to be a leader
and a servant
and then some combo called a servant leader?!
and you wanna fool me about servant leadership
ohhhh
the nerve of you!

man I got a few choice words for you
and maybe a few verbs will do
before I let you teach me how to be a servant too
cuz ohhh!
the nerve of you!

you serving time
or serving life
while you got served child support
served misconduct reports
but now you wanna become a servant
doing acts of service
unfamiliar things make me nervous
what’s your aim, what’s the purpose?!
what other tricks you got? what am I, in a circus?!
what kinda person…
man I ain’t even heard of you!
ahhhh! the nerve of you!

you making us look bad
man you making yourself look bad
we stuck in the same place and got the same things to look at
and all we have, is now!
ain’t no point in tryna fix the past, shit don’t even look back!
you uppity and conservative now?!
the nerve of you!

you serving the shop jobs
on and off unit porter jobs
or you serving food
ohhhh, dude you a fool plus a tool too?!
the nerve of you!

how you gunna try to lead me
while you hear as a habitual.
assault.
robbery.
or murder too!?!
and you tryna make a difference
and make me different?
Jesus as my witness, the nerve of you!

you should be doing your time
methodically
forcefully
exploiting to get what you can,
and politically surgical
not wasting it trying to be sheepish, goody, ashamed, and misguidedly merciful
that’s prey in a land of predators,
and if they starve for food, they’ll murder you!
they won’t reciprocate and hand out whatever mercy due!
ahhhh the nerve of you!

busy tryna live for more than yourself
tryna give more of yourself
but that won’t help you survive,
so what will there be left to give of yourself?!
damn it, the nerve of you!

how can you…
I’m just…
lost!
look here,
the c.o.’s won’t protect you
the world will eject you
stereotypes and prejudices will select you
justice and equality will neglect you
born guilty, there’s nothing to confess to
fear will only address you
love will serve to duress you
peers will redirect you
prison won’t correct you
your girl will soon forget you
your family regrets you
your friends won’t even fret you
the moment will only test you
cuz you made too many mistakes to be successful!
religion hasn’t blessed you
faith has only hexed you
hope will misdirect you
and yet you still tryna be helpful?!

man you ain’t nothing special!
…
man,
you…
man you got some nerve, haha
man
man you are some one,
special

and all this deflecting wasn’t even working was it?
guess I was,
tryna feign protection from the things that make you wonder

I gotta be honest with you man
every day I feel sick to my stomach
I
I know something more,
I know something better,
I know I can be better
but it isn’t courage I covet

my failures hover
my fears are all covert
I subvert
and divert
then emersed into my worst mentally

then submerge from a dive board of misery

then diverge into an iceberg physically

then reemerge into the lies of my hurt literally

where I’ll hide into a thickened hide and die first literally!

before I expose the merch of what I reaped from my searched memories

concealed cries as I perch onto my side as I thirst spiritually

disguising my hollowed pride where I’ll fight first cuz my worst injuries

I’m the pitiful epitome of hypocritical tendencies
that will never allow me to bend a knee
or lend in need
I rather blend in weeds
than befriend or be a friend in need
because I been in need!

and service?
I dont know how to ask for it like a bended knee
although I have things to give
who would ever want what I have to give-I’m me!

ha…servant leadership
I admit,
it kinda makes you wonder
busy fearing what I don’t know,
and I didn’t know that I could be more…

more than…

than this number…

and all I’ve been doing hasn’t worked

it all served to get me here

away…

away from everything

the touch of my child and the hug from a mother

the approval of a father and the bond of my brothers

the protection of a sister and the free range of the road

so many sights,
sounds,
tastes
and more that once served me,
now
escape me

as you enter telling me to give more of myself
when I feel that I have nothing left to give
that everything has been taken or given away already
I never even conceived that I may have something else to offer
tuh, the nerve of you!

but I feel I’m electrically surging
because your lessons of service
served to give me a purpose
even as I felt worthless
as less than a person
when pain was lurking
deep beneath my surface
like a sea urchin
my pride uncoiling like a serpent
searching for diversion
obscuring any sermons
with aversion to conversion
but now…
these words that I’ve heard
give me something
something that may serve to help me become a better person
crafting better versions
of people in prisons of pain living behind curtains
how courageous you are, ha
the nerve of you
cuz you led me to see the We
showing me that I could lead as a servant too

Not as Crazy as I Once was

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I know you may think I’m crazy
I know this may sound irrational
like projected dreams that refuse to be stomped on
these grandiose ideas of freedom my presence my growth and change
that may look and sound good
but seeming more improbable
than the attempt of a child haphazardly stacking structures in the kitchen to climb on
in order to grab and possess desires out of reach
until it
until it all came tumbling down
as those things he climbed upon
depended upon
to get him to where he was going
would become obstacles
despite the warnings he ignored
his ambition was just too vast to be quelled
and he falls with a loud thud
and everyone around has to rush quick to pick up the pieces
feigning a cautious love for the attempt
while inside holding a disbelief for the foolishness of it all!
straining from saying, I told you so
you’re smarter than that
you’re better than this
yet why are you so pridefully stubborn and did it anyway

and I know, I know I don’t have the best track record
plenty of times I’ve trampled my chances
with selfish desires and illusions of power and control
that I would wield like a samurai sword as my reason and excuse
thrusted at anyone and anything
that would try to challenge or defy the density of my belief
born to be a rebel at my core
as if the very spirit and fluid elixir of rebellion
gave me wings like gulps of a red bull
and it wasn’t my fault that no one understood that I was different
though I became the same, I believed that I would be different
the result would be different
that I knew how to take all the failures around me
and form a cabal of individualized and creative wisdoms that would defy the life expectancy of this concrete jungle
and I would invent a new wave and be the epitome of difference
and my roar would be heard across city blocks
as if I was Caesar himself returning home to Rome
from a successful conquest of conquering
with the cheering love fear hate and respect adorned to the physical and mental prowess that I exhibited
which would master my surroundings
and transcend my environment
like a boss

whatever that means

but I fell short
you see, I never wanted to follow
I wanted to lead
but I followed too long
and was misled
and by the time I noticed it
it was too late
I was in too deep
so fuck it, I’m here now
now I have to become the best that I can
at being the worst that I can

I know, me and my paradoxes

yea it sounds crazy saying it aloud
but you should try listening to yourself from time to time
you’d be surprised at how emotions sound so rational
and every thought makes the most sense that you never heard
and you are God’s gift to wisdom
and you have the solution and key
and…but this
damn
door
still
won’t
open!

and this mirror still cracks

and these walls still corner me

and my voice still echoes like the heart in my empty body

sure I got chances, but not fair chances
how can it be all my fault, I’m not the card dealer
I’m just the gambler
I had to make something
from what appeared as something
but I am no chemist, alchemist, or magician
I’m just a man!
a human being
a flawed creature
and I’ve only had myself to believe in

why doesn’t anyone understand this
I can’t be that alone and crazy

everyone else had ideas that sounded just as crazy as mine
it just is what it is
one day
be patient
you get what you get
life isn’t fair
everyone struggles
life is about choices
but…

but they all sounded stuck and content with being in line
with just accepting everything for what it was…for what it is
like they had withdrawn and lost their fight
but I am a fighter
a provider
a protector
a creator

but I can’t say that with a straight face, looking my sons in the eye
it would sound just as crazy as…
I’m sorry
I love you
I’m there for you whenever you need me
I’m changing and growing for you
I’m better than I was
I think of you in everything that I do
I learned my lesson
I’m coming home
we’re going to travel all over the world
don’t make the same mistakes that I did, be better
I showed you how to be absent, so take it upon yourself to learn how to defy your struggles and be present

when you say it aloud
it doesn’t sound how it did in your head
but it doesn’t make it not true
because life is about choices
and I choose to speak my favored reality into existence

before my pain and troubles ever committed
I was resilient and persisted
before my mind and heart was ever conflicted
I was resilient and persisted
before these prison walls ever existed
I was resilient and persisted
before the judge ever gavelled my conviction
I was resilient and persisted
before my hope and dreams had ever drifted
I was resilient and persisted
before the apparition of my demons became convincing
I was resilient and persisted
before I ever believed I hadn’t enough to feel as though I should risk it
I was resilient and persisted

I am resilient and persistent
I am resilient and persistent

now my conviction is my conviction
of defying blind statistics
by applying wisdoms
from life decisions
and my collisions
of pride and fiction
and if my time is grifted
I rather cosign a higher state of mind parallel with the sky
as if I can fly for instance
grasping everything that was once out of reach like a kid trying to climb in kitchens
manifesting every bit of grand idea of freedom, presence, growth, and change
so that I may never sound irrational again
and you will come to believe me
and believe in me
because my direction is no longer against the wind
I’ve let go of my illusions of power and control

I’ve changed, I am change
I am different, I make a difference
I’m like a gift card, in that, I am redeemable

don’t count me out
my reasons are no longer counterfeit
I don’t have to be the places I choose to be
and yet here I stand, trying to become the best version of me

but the proof is in my actions, but since you can’t see them,
I just thought I’d let you know
I’m not as crazy as I used to be

Baby Booming Guards

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I came in a young man, my eyes still hazy
but they opened quickly, becoming angry
see, the things which now make me crazy
is what’s in all the years they gave me
these prejudiced and ignorant staff that seldom out-age me
enrage me
guarding in a way that will further jade deface and yet, raise me
the boomin’ prison business is in their family
with a father or mother up, or in, parallel rankings
but they too, will one day, have babies
that will grow to spray, chain, and mace me

Stoic Chauvin

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mysterious,
your last name
short for
chauvinism
stoic and calm,
your reserve
sure
bold
and
cold-blooded
but you can shove
that disposition
on the prison yard,
where both
stoicism
and
chauvinism
play a major role
so play your part
and
keep
that
same
energy
when you touchdown

I Would Like to Smile

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I want to smile
in fact
I love to smile
universe willing,
I think I shall have several smiles today
and so I turn on my TV
I happen upon the Chauvin trial
impossible to crack a smile
constant replaying of a man’s death
to win an officers trial
yes,
verily much much too hard to smile
I turn the channel
and I see the killing of a child
mass shootings all around
the border adorning an overbearing crowd
that have walked for miles
nationwide protests and riots abound
failed inoculations
recalled vaccinations
fear of vaccinations
not enough vaccinated
voter restrictions legislated
broken wedding vows
oh, how can I ever smile?
turning off the TV now
glancing around
I spy drug addiction-
narcotic and prescription
I hear insults
my nerves onslaught-ed with tension
inhaling smoke
tasting the odorous polluted air
still, I can not smile
so I peak out of my window
I spy hopelessness
spiritually exempt bodies
walking in circles
repeating the same cycles
around and around
and around
even amongst the lush majesty of nature
I see it tormented by our treatment
the world today,
has only given me reasons to frown
even reasons to weep
so I close my eyes
to set my spirit mind and heart at ease
hoping to experience a sense of peace
and dreamed,
that I smiled deep in my sleep