Russell Wardlow

one moment,
wanting life
the next,
could care less
chained from momentum
gravity, a force of many I quarrel
fuck it then
asked you for a way out
trapped by your answer
a time unknown not lived for others
pondering the value of selflessness
as I trek the edges of my self
letting go of me

as the wind dials
my spirit called thereafter
this body hangs up

living as it kills me
killing it living as me
it kills as living me
me living as it kills
me killing as it lives
it lives killing as me
killed me living as it
lives it killed as me

if you only knew what “it” is
which lives
and kills
as “me”
in “me”
then you’d understand
why this moment
begs to differ
from my next
because,
“it”
is
“me”
an “item”
of impermanent, permanence

hard for my heart to give-a-beat
it’s hard for me to give-a-fuck
it’s hard for me to pay you mind
it’s hard for me to give-a-attention
when the state takes all my time
it’s hard for me to give-you-patience
when my body’s running out of time
I’m boutta lose my mind!

ok
I’m tryna fit this narrative that you all think of me
but it’s hard to not worry bout what my peers may think of me
will they think I’m weak?
or think I’m me?
well silly me
I think I’m weak
cuz I have not been me since the day I took a plea!

I’m tryna be
this little
middle
civil
bit of sour grapes
and pickles
with no quibbles
write my scribbles
draw my prickles
say pain tickles
while blood trickles-
drops and ripples
ice my heart, while my veins sickle
my pulse double dribbles
shhh…
shuffled mug shots
my eyes-blood shot
my mind-buck shut
no ties-what knot?
my life-hard knocks
freedom-far out
no light-dark out
hollup!

what do you think of me?
who do you think I am?
why do you think I am?
why do you think that is?
who do you think you are?

eh mhm…

you do not know me
that’s only the old me
go way you don’t owe me
I rather be lowly and lonely
while I’m dying slowly
you only
could owe me
a moment
consoling
the coldest
unfolding of poses
behold it and notice
that that was me showing
the pressure imposed-
by supposed proposals
betrayals and photos
all losing their focus
when they all get lost in the open
soaking up exposure
my battered and broken composure has swollen!
and I’m boutta go over the edge, cuz I die and I live in the moment!

and I do not neeeeeed your help
I rather go bleeeeeed myself
cuz I can not beeeee myself
cuz u want me to be someone else
gone..

I
dreamed
I,
could-n’t
move
last
night,
I was
trapped
in my
mind,
I think
love
is a
lie

I
dreamed
I,
had ran
out
of
time,
I was
lost,
I was
blind,
some-times
I
ra-ther
die

somethings you can’t guess
like when is your last breath
gotta live in the moment and don’t leave nothing left
‘cuz when everyone leaves you-
it feels like there’s nothing left,
feels like there’s nothing else!

yea, it feels like there’s nothing else huh?!
can’t no body help ya!
swallow all ya spit and feel it fizz, like seltzer
time will leave its marks-
count the seconds or the welts huh?!
love will let you starve-
while you beg for more helpings
but everybody selfish
misery love company but company get jealous
whisper to my shadows..
“everything you see,
keep between you and me,
‘cuz its only you and me
I’m as lonely as can be”
when I sleep is when I’m free
when I dream is when I’m me
when I think I gotta blink
you won’t believe the things I see
you won’t believe me I can see, this life is prison somebody plz set me free!

I
dreamed
I,
had a
drink
last
night,
swal-lowed
all
in-side,
just-to
feel
a-live,

I
dreamed
I,
could-n’t
move
last
night,
I was
trapped
in my
mind,
I think
love
is a
lie

I
dreamed
I,
had ran
out
of
time,
I was
lost,
I was
blind,
some-times
I
ra-ther
die

I
dreamed
I,
held a
gun
last
night
aimed it
at
my
mind,
then flew
to
the
sky

somethings you can’t guess
like when is your last breath
gotta live in the moment and don’t leave nothing left
cuz when everyone leaves you,
it feels like there’s nothing left
feels like there’s nothing else!

I’m feeling like I’m broken
but all yaw fail notice
I’m feeling like a number
I’m feeling like quota
I’m feeling like a lease
I’m feeling like a loaner
not feeling like a owner
put down like a coaster
and everything ain’t kosher
I’m feeling like a roamer
I rather be a loner
my feelings getting colder
some feelings in a coma
the rest of them just coded
and I can’t get no closure!

I
dreamed
I,
had ran
out
of
time,
I was
lost,
I was
blind,
some-times
I
ra-ther
die

I
dreamed
I,
held a
gun
last
night
aimed it
at
my
heart
then flew
to
the
sky
bang!