Dear White Woman
I think I loved you to a fault
a fault of self
a love that was tainted
one of omission
with internal things not admitted
insinuations and inclinations scripted
a displaced lust
a lust born of resentment and jealously
resentment of who I wasn’t
and jealousy of who I could not become
this was when I thought the best
of who I wasn’t
and the worst
in who I was
was it vengeance that allured me?
escape
disguise
denial
taboo?
fear of enduring more limitations
believing you could’ve been my only hope for a better
and different life
was it feelings of ineptitude?
did I feel like I finally won at something
like you were the only way I would be seen
and accepted?
but at what cost
refusal to deal with and see myself
denial of my culture
and rejection of myself
and what of the message that is sent out
is a black woman not enough
did I fear the destiny of kids as dark as myself
in a country that assumes more nefariously
with more vitriol treatment the darker your flesh
did I believe my kids would have better opportunity
the lighter they were?
was it fear that made me just too self-conscious?
I could face the wars in the hood
but facing you was a war I couldn’t rectify comprehend
nor deal with properly
deep inside feeling every bit the inferior I had been made to feel
this society never reassured my kind
and I was angry and shamed because of it
could I even truly love you, when I hated myself
or did I just want to become you
white
I know I’m the ‘mighty’ man but…
was I looking for you to save me?
from who I wonder?
myself
the world
or
your brother or father?
did I need to be accepted and included by you
to affirm myself
the answer to all of this, is yes
for this has been the journey of black men trying to find
and redefine themselves in a country that pre-defines them
so rebellion first comes in love before crime
because that has been viewed as the true and carnal crime
no matter where we existed together
I felt like a token placement
a hollow default of diversity
an obligation of sincerity
I still felt like I never fit
I never even for a second
everyone around looked different, inside I felt tortured
and alone
your family never liked the idea of me anyway
I allowed myself to deal with enough of the looks and things said
should’ve gotten the hint earlier
the most racism I experienced in my life was from your kin’s disapproval
this is best for us both
love shouldn’t be forced
though I wonder if I created sons that may now feel this as well
that will go through this
and make excuses for it
allowing themselves to apologize for their skin
and the ignorance and hatred of others
I was that… an apologist
buy my sons should never be relegated to becoming apologists
because of my choices and cowardice of seeing
and dealing with myself
no matter how young and unknowing
our kids pay for the mistakes of their parents
oh how many pains have I placed upon them already as is
do they too feel this way, not knowing how to explain it
needing to fit in or be the center of attention for validation
needing to be the most talented for affirmation
yet always feeling like an outsider
the odd one out
misunderstood and not understood
and not understanding why or you, or why I am even trying
though I transformed for you
time and time again
and for the comfort of all around that looked like you
it only alienated my true self and my people even more
never knowing who I was
and always having to explain aspects of myself
that you could never understand
maybe in a world where people were just people
we could’ve coexisted for reasons more pure than so
but that isn’t this world
so for now, I just let you go
and onto my own
or at least to a complexion
where color deep culture and struggle is known
before my goodbye
thank you for my sons
though they are both my lights
if I may have anymore
I doubt they will be as bright
though they will still shine just as much
not one over the other
or one more so than the other
but as my sons, created in true love
and knowledge of self
not a lust spawn of fear
though I now can see you for who you are
and I am a lover of all people
because I love myself
so the thing between is no longer and not so much color
as it is culture history and language
and the signals shot out to the eyes of others
that will first see us from the outskirts of our shallowest conceptions of self
before the truest forms of what’s within
so I say to you in closing
as you know, well
you see, our relation was always complex
and that’s because either one or both of us
was ailing from a complex
hereon, make sure you choose yourself first
so that way you know who you are choosing next
Au revoir