Hello world, it’s me, Russ, Resilience Under Stressful Situations
No need for last names, we are just getting reacquainted
Ima felon, I prefer to say that upfront
I have more pro’s than con’s, so it’s easier being blunt
I was convicted of taking possessions that I didn’t work for
I deserved it, there’s more I’ve done that I’ve never been caught for
I differ from you because my bad judgements are public record
I’m too grown to call it mistakes, I was just dumb and reckless
I needed this time, I mean I could’ve done without the scenery
But having time to reflect and find self in the real world, isn’t done as easily
I found myself, perfect timing I’d happen to run into you
I’ve had you once, but lost you, yet distantly admired your view
Since then I began writing free verse poetry and 1st person narratives
I’ve learned to swallow pride, accept my wrongs and humble my arrogance
I’m still a little pretentious, but I let go of needing complete control
I’ve found a different type of freedom somehow in learning to let go
I have a genuine respect and understanding of women that has evolved my perceptions,
My insight is less prejudice, my debates are more selective
My opinions aren’t so sexually charged and oppressive
My actions are more protective
It’s funny how I find myself proving to you that I deserve a chance, like you are my dream job or girl of my dreams
But that’s exactly what this is because I care what you think
Be honest, will you give yourself to me fully, or will you stay hesitant, jaded by my past
Happiness isn’t freedom but there’s freedom in happiness, none of which is forever, but I just want mine to last
I have two beautiful sons to father, that job is at the top of my list
I found more peace in realizing the things and the effects of what I’ve done…ignorance isn’t bliss
I fancy myself a romantic, maybe a woman will enchant me with her heart
I’m less vain, skin decays, and these days, love is an art
So I’m putting all my bad upfront on the welcome mat
All in hopes that you’ll greet me with open arms and saying “welcome back”
Let Me Dive In
Let me dive in your mind
and come out with every diamond I find
Your blush, skin flush, from your blood rush, is a river of rubies
You shimmer, glow, and glitter like new jewelry
Your aura is a fire-like buoyance of blue and violet gemstones
Pearls adorn your smile, canary heat perfectly bathes your skin tone
Sapphire sets fire to your nails, aurora like highlights illuminates your hair
Pink birthstones flourish upon the surface of your lips, honey-dew and flecks of green Emeralds litter your glare
You are more elemental than flesh
Your background is laden with gold encrusted river beds
Costly your value, uncapped by the rarity of your form
A cosmic collage of organic cosmetology, meets cosmopolitan flamed by confidence, makes you foreign
I can wear you in your birthday suit, and receive the grandeur of Forbes
Melancholy Medusa, captivated yet frozen by the platinum gaze of your orbs
I dig you, a romantic excavation of your hearts ore
Crystal clarity, diamond beauty…let me dive in your hardcore
Dear Mr. Correctional Officer
Dear Mr. Correctional Officer
Please come correct with the office you-hold
Please come correct with your officers, please come correct and get off of ya-
pedestal, I am not a pet on-a-stool
or a character spoof, that drools eating at your spoon!
I am not a fool! I am not your tool!
I am not slave to your preferences, I am only victim to your jaded perceptions
Un-phased by your subliminal messages!
You perceive me as a mammal but more of an animal
Your desired domain over my terrain, acts as if you are lion and I am antelope
As if I am virus and you are anecdote
As if I am nothing without nothing and you are my ante up
As if I am akin to Annie the orphan inside the attic of Amityville writhing with anxiety under the weight of your preferred society
To you, I am already cut out of that picture
But I am cut from a different cloth, less than 700 thread count-me-out in hand-me-downs
with Ramen and chicken noodle soup as broth
To heal the hoarse as I speak from ill-tongue between clenched jaws, at all cost!
With scars and far more flaws than a loss, though you can’t fathom what I’ve lost!
You can’t imagine my withdrawals and why I withdraw!
I am not your easy suburban picture, I am an urban jigsaw!
Dear Mr Correc-tion-al Off-i-cer!
I do not feel you are correct
I feel shunned and null
and you get off from me calling you sir!
You use, you abuse, and you usurp!
You overdo, the same way you use syrup!
As if this is your ranch, I am your beaten cow in a herd that you stir up
in your boots, spurs and stir-ups
Color me numb, I am not blind, deaf and dumb
I am likened to Hellen Keller, disabled, yet I displayed a way that I am more than able
I am more truth in this life than the way you use fables
Babied? Spoiled? I knew not of a cradle!
I seen more with less cable
I derived from the ghetto, from a people whom are this country’s true staple
free labor..
You have more, yet people like me need more, we buy less and have lesser…therefore you are fortunate!
Fortunate to be ignorant of this side of life…of my life Mr. Correctional Officer
to you, I am salary, I am hourly plus overtime and unfixable to you
My possible lack of recidivism is fictional to you
I am jurisdictional to you
The jurors were crude and prudent in their jaded delusions or jurisprudence, so therefore I am nothing more than a number, nothing more than a criminal to you!
I am a group, a stain, less of an individual to you
keeping me away from your society is critical to you
I am pitiful to you, this is the pit to which I fell and now my plummet is the favorite visual to you
Your opinions shoot like guns and I am bullet-riddled and ridiculed by you
I am not your personal axe to grind! I am not your payback from your own life
ghetto doesn’t mean stupid, black doesn’t mean ignorant!
Felon doesn’t mean crippled, lost, unredeemable, evil, sour good, hopeless, hell-bound, #78756 forever, No!
Prison is my body cast, I’ve been casted out but don’t count me out
I am apart your daily count but I am not counterfeit
If your job is to keep me safe and propel my change
before I go back to the community stuck in criminal ways…
Than you are more felon than I!
You help perpetuate a cycle, to where I am a necessary sacrifice
So you can goad and entice, me to get back in here for the rest of my life
in front of your eyes!…so you can keep tabs on me
despite your effort, I am the tab on your keyboard, and I’m on to the next
Correctional officer!
God… I know we don’t talk a lot
God…I know we don’t talk a lot
but I’m trying not to cave to the caverns of society
my distance and difference gives me negative notoriety
hide me hide me hide me!
Anxiety, driving me, violently
sirens inciting me, I need silence inside of me, privacy!
Please!…please
quiet the noises, I struggle with voices
second guessing my choices, paranoia
I struggle to escape these life draining…expectations
judgement is only skin deep, exempt of excavations
exclamation, exclamation, exclamation
how do you explain patience? Amidst internet and instant gratification?
When need is saturated and driving us more, when need is driving me on
my knees collide with the floor, daydream a lot because I’m torn-
away from reality, rain on my window pane, my reality drips..
Awake is no vacation, but I need reality trips
life is torture, fighting metaphysical forces
belief, thoughts and emotions, belief, thoughts and emotions, belief, thoughts and …fortress!
Overwhelming, old wounds now new, gauzed yet bleed and seep open
grief, lost in commotion
me, lost in the ocean
sink, hard to keep floating
I tread the weight of misery, not water
and misery loves company, but company gets martyred
marginalized, I’m trying not to cave-in
to the pressures surrounding me, thought I’m already caged-in
see God, this life was prison before prison, but thanks for listening…Amen
Off the wagon again
Off the wagon again
I took a shot of pride, then cracked it over the head of a shadow
then yelled, “why are you so shallow?!”
I admit, I have insecurities, I’m still fragile
when it comes to my past, I’m fast to act as if I’m ready for battle!
Til I see the shattered glass and realize it reflects Me! Broken and hollow
my mouth open I swallow
Gulps of dry air down a strep throat past swollen tonsils
My trachea achin, I need a chaser, there’s no mistaking it I’m allergic to swallowing pride
Runnin from truth, following lies
Fancy myself a leader yet I’m following lines
That lead me straight to troubled abdominal signs
Bad gut feelings…and that moment I wretch
That same moment you sketch, a picture of my regrets
Same moment I’m stretched, sprawled out in my mess
Bile clings to my flesh…I’m anyone’s guess
This how I deal with my stress, paradox, I’m simply-complex
Death is a promise…life is a threat
I-O-U-A-Y
I tear apart your words so I can read through your letters better
my favorite excuse inside every envelope, enclosed are the wrongs I write..PS You and I forever
we both thrive of honesty, my vow in every vow and consonant
like, I-O-U-A..Y
I keep tearing at your confidence
maybe afraid that you’ll leave, my opinion is you downgraded
maybe I feel filthy laced with guilt from all of the women to which I found favor
none worth a second thought, you fill me with second thoughts
second guessing every moment, I can’t make up for the seconds lost
how can I adorn silver and gold, thought I cut at the surface of a diamond
the paradox of burying our love, yet value is found from mining
my disposition towards you is that of material possession
though I handle you with less care than a brand new watch and necklace
I try to cover you up so you won’t be seen by opportunity
but I fear you already hide in plain sight and I’m blinded by my insecurities…