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Prose of a Con

Poetry and Prose by Russell Wardlow

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Russell Wardlow

Let me ask a question

March 15, 2019 by Russell Wardlow 1 Comment

Let me ask a question, why do so many things in this country go unquestioned with our supposed freedoms of speech? How do so many things go unchallenged and remain lop-sided within a system supposedly governed and legislated by checks and balances? We have so many “movements” that do the trick of keeping us excited and attentive within the moment, but grasping no understanding of what laid before and what’s to come beyond that moment. As if those questions or thoughts are too inconveniencing to get more involved in, so in a sense, we rather run around ignorant with as little information and as much outrage or empathy as possible. No wonder what we seek doesn’t last, because we have no staying power in our own convictions, especially if it doesn’t directly or immediately affect us.

We have so many organizations working to advocate for the human condition and other disadvantages, but they barely gain traction or get enough recognition because they don’t come together and acknowledge each other, offering resources. They stay with ideological differences that serve more to prolong their wanted impact, as if it’ll only get done under their umbrella their way. There is more talk of unity than there is collective work for inclusivity in all forms of it. I mean inclusivity of culture, color, and creed, believing that you share a common goal and outcome. A government works together to work, so shouldn’t humanitarian organizations? I read this quote that I’ll butcher in this book called “The Theory Of Everything”, that said if we merely stay at the stage of celebrating diversity, then all we’ll continue to do is passively endorse a culture of separation.” This went on to mean that tribalism, racism, xenophobia, classism etc are more enforced when we speak so much more of our differences than speaking of and searching for our similarities.

We do that by accepting one another, by being inclusive, by diving in for more than a dip, but a swim…back stroke, breaststroke, butterfly, and all that stuff. I can’t swim, but I rather drown in our similarities and inclusivity than in the shallowness of differences. I hate always having to speak of how my life was much different or tougher than yours and how we differ, I’ve been this black sheep, black swan, black man and whatever other black mythological creature than person. I rather you remember that I am just like you, a person, because then if maybe you begin to see me as you, maybe you’ll care more. Even if unconsciously, I’ll take that, we don’t all have to be woke, being woke takes real empathy, that isn’t easy. You know I saw on TV that what was trending was videos of throwing cheese at your baby’s face. It seemed cute and funny, but I feel like that baby at times. This little unknowing social experiment, powerless, but still someone’s entertainment, unable to do anything but be observed, directed, judged, and laughed at yet made to believe that those around me care and want the best for me. Being a baby is a prison of its own, there’s no independence, with a lot of shock, confusion, and fear almost at every moment with seconds of joy that you’d go mad if you didn’t experience it.

Which has more value, a person or a prison??? Privilege or punishment??? Pain is the most remembered and forgotten part of life. We remember ours so quickly, regardless of what joy comes before or after it, yet just as quickly forget the possibilities of someone else’s pain. So how can we start creating a real wave of change, instead of just responding for pop culture or outrage as our compass? Easy, ask. Just ask. To ask, is to care, to care is to get involved. Getting involved at any level is better than commenting as if it doesn’t involve us, yet it involves us enough to involve our opinion. If we can speak about something, than we should be about something even more. Law of the jungle, don’t tell me, show me, anyone can roar, but in here, I’ve heard every type of roar from inside and out, claiming so much while doing so little. That type of work gets no play in prison in terms of respect, just like it doesn’t in terms of politics, and yet, people are re-elected! Maybe that’s what it is, we vote for what actions resemble our own…damn.

After we ask, and then get involved, the last thing to do is to include others. It takes a village. Yea, there’s a lot of issues going on right now, but if we keep addressing the symptoms and not the root, then, well shit you know, that’s nursing 101. Don’t just accept things and turn a blind eye. Ask a question. Get involved. Include others aka BYOF-bring your own friend, then energy is created, energy creates a wave, a wave becomes a movement and a movement becomes a party, and then we get drunk off change! What we believe matters a lot when we decide to get involved, we can have fun doing hard things, it’s not all doom and gloom, relationships are formed, other aspects of life and ourselves get discovered, because there’s always Good in the Bad! ProseOfACon!

We have to live like life isn’t just aimless practice everyday with no purpose to it, no, the thing about life is, that everyday we get to practice our purpose, the difference is if you practice on purpose versus without purpose. We find true value and purpose by doing for others, not ourselves. There’s a lot of hidden gems in prison, just like you yourself hold hidden gems within you, there’s no difference besides the fact of us being in prison. Struggles highlight the greatness to come if we embrace it, pressure emboldens the diamond at our core to shine outwardly so everyone else can see. But sometimes these pressures get the best of us, the only thing that can ail that is people getting involved. Care reflects and projects value…Prison is just full of people that lost or forget their value, so I’m asking for help in getting that value re-established. Help me, so I can help others, or help others so they can help me…it takes a village and an idea, not an ideology…Just ask

Filed Under: Culture, Inside, Trauma

I’m back!

March 15, 2019 by Russell Wardlow Leave a Comment


Here I am world!!! I’m back!! Wooooo!
Just received my new tablet after this long ass dragged out Month without my baby (prison tears) but now things are back to normal. I feel like I swallowed a pack of Skittles, Merlot, and Red Bull! Feeling the options, the dapper and the energy! So what am I going to write about now? I don’t know because there’s been a lot on my mind, first off, shout out to my “prison wives” homegirls! Hope all is swell well! Shout out to everyone that don’t have a life like me, get up and do something! Shout out to my long lost brother, he just showed up on my jpay this morning!  The jpay has room for anyone else that wants to email me too, yea I sure don’t get bored and lonely in prison…NOOOOOTTTTT! Shout out to my son’s moms, they still doing a great job, way better than me right, oh and of course MY TWO BOYS JOSIAH AND TREYVAN! I’ve never known anything more beautiful and saucy! Shout out Lauren From Givabeat for seeing to it that I still keep writing by making sure I got a new tablet! Swag!! Not enough big hearts out there but Good thing I have the best ones on my team! Which brings me to the best BAB Deuce Deuce KATIE, You are every bit of inspiration as you are friend and family! Speaking of family, remember that life, happiness, success and love requires a team effort, we can’t all do it on our lonesome. “Coming together is a beginning, keeping together is progress, and working together is success” and OG MLK Jr said “change doesn’t happen on the wheels of inevitability, but through consistent struggle” embrace the struggle yaw, the hardships, the pains and let downs, the break ups and rejection, the distance and the discomfort it brings. Lastly before I leave, the posts about to be more live, so show some love and gravity if it pulls you, spend a few minutes with me and read on and share but if not, I leave you with this, so listen world, “if you live for compliments, you’ll die by criticism”

I’ll break a leg before you break my spirit
I’ll break my back before I run from the weight
If we break apart, yea, it might break my heart
But we can break down from getting too many breaks
And where would we go from there World?
I have less breaks than drive
So ride with me Life, but only if you believe there’s good in the bad, and lets see where this World takes us
-WayOfLife-
-YoungR.U.S.S.-
-ProseofaCon-

Filed Under: Inside, Love, Mercy, Spirit

I am a number!

March 7, 2019 by Russell Wardlow Leave a Comment

living in this 10×6, 24/7, 365 x 9 1/2- 12 doing 14-20 as 78756
numerically numbing
I am a number!
I am just nothing
but something you count, but nothing you count on, just someone you count out, but I am not down for the count…
all those titles and opinions have no dominion, I’m drowning them out
tho I’m drowning right now
lately I been a downer engulfing downers
over the counter
hoping I counter
and end up on the upswing
my chin up regardless of what u must think
was a gangsta, Im a felon
was a dad, now I’m a father
I am mistake, live in it daily
I live in the open, you judge me and comment
I have more in common with all that you hiding inside of your conscience if you’re being honest
you are just like me
I am a broken promise
a hope for progress
a note that focuses on the wrongs I wrote, I right, I might just have a couple more wrongs to write, so I these poems I write might work to heal me inside!
psyche
how many numbers will u see before u think of me
all this attention seeking I guess this is what it takes for u to think of me
5 4 3…my final countdown is steady/heavy
2 1…u forgot about me already

Jesus pray for me
I hate these demons that prey on me
keep the devil away from me
keep me awake and the shovel away cuz I’m digging my grave tryna find an escape a fire scape, a higher place, in dier straight cuz my old ways, continue to rain on me
my past sins have domain on me
put a stain on me
tried relying on my genes, but im weaker than my denim and its seams, weaker than I seem, don’t wanna be seen, see, im living in my shame, I just wanna change, but these days, stay the same, I try to pray, but I can’t, lay and wait, omg! i cant relate, to, amazing grace, thru, prison gates, new, vision paints u, in a grey view, integrate, orange is the new hate suit, life takes u, in a maze, just a phase, but it still phase u, and ya past still chase u, I just wanna have renewed faith thru, and be faithful, but I’m feeling foolish like April, I try to troop and stay true, i try to stay glued, to ur pages, like cable, but without a cane, i aint abel, to make it to, page two, Lord if I changed my language, could u understand?! yo necessito, Jesus

You don’t see a person
you only see percentage
you only read the sentence
you only see the prison
but there’s people in it
you only count the numbers
overly medicated prison population, everyday we getting number
spelled the same way they prefer it, they rather increase the numbers
they only want us dumber
twiddling our thumbs, tryna keep us Stevie wonder
they try to keep us blind
windows without blinds
been living behind an open window for years and I’m still in the blind
u say freedom is thought, but my body is still in a bind
so many can do much more but they say their hands are tied
how u think I feel, while my wrist is cuffed
fighting for my freedom going fist to cuffs
what’s life, I tried to give it up, but I can’t give it up
cuz I got family that love me, sons that need me, friends that miss me, a world that forgot about me, hopefully a God that loves me and wants me to get back up
so I pick back up
my strength, a pen, some paper, several books and cd’s and a phone
ringing, hopefully u will pick that up
correcting every mistake when I lift that up
what? all that I left behind and with a six pack, buff
stronger now than I was before, I no longer mattered

Give me my freedom
haven’t I paid u my debt
u got from me taxes
I got nothing for it
plus gave u blood tears and my sweat
I got two sons
they have no dad
those days they will never forget
I swear I have changed, but I’m still in chains
have u not factored the difference
have u not factored the distance
can that not change ur decision
all I know is division
do ur laws practice forgiveness
to u ima savage in prison
no moments of pity, I never can take it, I stand on this hill, and I yell I’m alive, just to see if u hear me, then maybe you’ll see me, and maybe believe that this life that I’m living just isn’t so easy!
Give me my freedom

A number carries a life
what is a life defined by
a mistake, bad judgment, ill-advised choices, immaturity, negligence, privaledge or lack thereof, or ignorances
what about redemption?
we have 4% of the entire worlds population
yet we have 25% of the entire worlds prison population
so again
how we define a life
and how we value a life
is on trial here
our society can’t be as numb
as the same criminal minded individuals it charges as unfit because of their percieved moral numbness
Victimizers becoming victims- in a system put in place to make things right while keeping people safe is not the right way
in more ways than one, we are recreating the same problems that we punish
and if that’s the case
we will continue to section off parts of our society into ready made facilities
because our system is more geared to retrib, resti, ovr recid, rehabi
The more the better
themes of a buffet is now synonomous with incarceration it seems
so I ask u
when u see the numbers
do u see the life
or does how u feel reflect what u see?
…which may be nothing at all

was ashamed Im in prison
hated my name turned to digits
they saw the proof in the cover–so the pages diminished
and I was erased in this sentence
those preying on my downfall, actin like they never will
they also living in they scars, actin like they’ll never heal
destined to reach beyond the stars, even if by sheer will
they rather rave about the flower actin like that shit will never wilt
ohh!never kiss up, never hang my head no mistletoe
u can hate me, u can judge me, we’re identical
I got heart, like arteries and some ventricals
i had principles
never hypocritical
but was a criminal
what goes around, comes around now I’m living my reciprical
so imagine what would happen if u always living cynical
to u I been a ghost, was invisible, but now I’m visible, only thing u say is visceral
but that ain’t critical
becuz I’m spiritual
a living miracle
not metaphors, I’m literal
even if my literary lyrical

Filed Under: Inside, Spirit, Trauma

What’s the end goal of incarceration?

March 5, 2019 by Russell Wardlow Leave a Comment

What is the end goal of incarceration? what does the public expect the inmates to be once they come back into society? The real answer, not the clean cut formal department of justice answer, because that’s just pie in the sky salesman speak. I mean what do expect a child to do if you send them into timeout for being bad, but offer no instruction nor attempt to figure out what it is within them that causes them to do those things. Do you expect change, without correcting the problem? Adults don’t need to be told the why’s but their why’s need to be understood in order to have any hopes of an improved mindframe. You don’t send a child to timeout and surround them with temptation and the things that will only serve to make them worse, you structure their punishments in order to condition a better response and behavioral change. So how do you expect an adult to change when they may come from dysfunction, and you enhance those dysfunctions by throwing them into the center of even more dysfunctional people with no real requisite or structure of betterment. How can you speak to a person that only understands and knows struggle and pain and the worst sides of life, like betrayals of love, abandonment of family, alienation of friends, no problem solving, venting with dependencies, drugs, murder, abuse of all sorts and with no real identity and a constantly changing environment that surrounds them and clouds them with neglect and a society that offers them no respect, honor or family that gangs offer yet casting them out showing only fear, denigration and disrespect with every effort to say they are lesser while providing unrealistic expectations of achievement as if it is mutually inclusive and possible regardless the conditions they developed within. How can you say you understand if you offer opinion first before an ear, if you compare your experience to mine as if you overcame despite it all. How can a person know how to forgive when all they know is blame and revenge, when society hides their truth and hands down their responsibility on everything and everyone else but themselves yet you say I should come out better and fully functioning, knowing better and cherishing what I had yet prison shows the bare naked truth of society. Separation, segregation, prejudice, racism, lies, denial, depravity, alienation, classism, judgement, unforgiving, violent, anger, fear, escapism, loneliness, abandonment, addiction need I go on, because my closet is doorless and yours is vaulted now all of a sudden since I’m in this obvious prison and you hide within your prison you act as if you can speak down to me, as if I owe you something, as if I’m so unrepairable and my sin is so much grander than yours while your precious freedom makes money off my misery, offering me false hope. The best kept secret is that I am constitutionally a legal slave and you expect me to come out without trauma and be grateful? I was raised s a state ward, with an imprisoned mother battling depression alienation addiction and a father killed by her hand while pregnant with me because of his drunken abusive episode which I never found out til damn near 18. How do you speak to that person, how do you get through to them when all you see them as and throw them in is shit? I speak to that type everyday, because I am in that shit with them, these same people that could’ve killed me not because they hate me but because hate is all they know and society tells them its their fault, so fuck it right?! When they call out and hear of a close death, a cheating girlfriend, maybe she left, or likes her power in the phone, family distant and friends are a matter of convenience but yet society says don’t come back broken because you know better, we gave you a chance to heal and find yourself even though everyone outside lives as strangers trapped within their own prisons. I’ve offered my voice to friends with heartbreaks, addiction issues, suicidal thoughts, loneliness, health struggles, relationship problems, in need of life advice and an ear because I m going through it too, so I know it, I identify, I feel them and I I’m that ear daily for the worst people society casted out, real killers and molesters. I have answers for everyone but myself and two sons that barely know my voice, their mothers holding onto past pains, my siblings growing through life on their own, and a mom transitioning from prison, but who talks to me, what do u tell me that I haven’t told the mirror already, I get more judgment than help, we all do..I heard it all so just in case you didn’t know what its like, this is a fraction of what I embrace willingly daily

Filed Under: Culture, Inside, Love, Mercy, Spirit, Trauma

Love and Pain

March 5, 2019 by Russell Wardlow Leave a Comment

Love and Pain are both relationships, how can we move forward and find love, if we are still holding onto and committed to that past pain and let down? How can we find passion, purpose and meaning in things if all we rather be is comfortable? What breakthrough ever came from being comfortable? How can we ever free ourselves and find depth if all we do is run from struggle and hardships? These are the very things that shape us and give value to what we pursue and believe in, and if our belief systems are only coated in those moments when we feel the most at ease and comfortable, fearing getting truly involved because of the implications of being let down, then what do you really value besides fear? I say this because there are people I know and don’t know that are still trapped and I feel for them, because I used to be free and trapped too, but now I’m still in prison, which I don’t even see these walls anymore and I’m more free and at peace than I have ever been in my life. My scenery used to embarrass me, and I made all these concessions thinking I had to adhere to everyone else’s happiness since I’m the one in this overbearing situation…but those same things I used to struggle with out there, I’m finally getting thru with inside these walls. I mean I’m still human and struggle with love and wanting to be loved, but besides that, I don’t fear distance and being alone, I don’t fear not having anything because I’m quite content with nothing and working on myself and I even find more joy in giving to others even if I barely have enough. I live in hell and found the heaven in it. I stay engaged daily, I don’t see myself as this person that can only be hurt and let down that never let anyone down, nor do I see myself as only a screw up that has only hurt people and deserves no forgiveness because my identity isn’t in the next person but in how I can look in the mirror and keep working on making him the best person. That shit takes longer than a social media post but it sure feels good getting it out this way. I found my freedom in prison and somehow waiting to get free where so many are still in prison…life is beautiful, what a view.
Take a second to feel and embrace what it is that you feel, stop running, stop resisting, stop wanting everything the easy way, because you’ll get exactly what you put in, but don’t ask the same question afterwards. Just because technology makes communication faster, doesn’t mean it makes it easier, take time to know yourself and someone else…maybe understanding someone else’s pain will help you better see and understand your own and from there, who knows but with that knowledge-what a view!
R.U.S.S.

Filed Under: Love, Spirit, Trauma

A Circle Has No End or Beginning

February 17, 2019 by Russell Wardlow 1 Comment

A circle has no end or beginning, but it is ever revolving, and the more you travel, the more you will see what you first were blind too. So, at times I speak in circles, that way you will be able to revisit things you already were aware of, just maybe not conscious of, and you get a chance to see without blockers, so talking in circles isn’t as bad you they say
Parsing paradigms and piercing paradoxes are in someway my thought and writing style, I write perspective narratives and perspective verse poetry based from my wayward observations and experiences of Life and Imprisonment. I’ve come to see that those two experiences, while one is in freedom, and the other isn’t, both have more mirroring parallels and possibly aren’t so contrasting as they may seem. Just one population is more concentrated, and so the interactions of that population are more inflamed for lack of space and options-two things a civil society offers, but we adjust. Prison-the land of the Civilized Savages. It’s easier to question things when you add distance from the thing in question. Distance creates objectivity and room for thought.. so I think about “what if’s” a lot and the mortality of them, they speak to either a distant future or distant past, and mostly an impossibility
I believe one of the biggest “what if’s” are, what if you knew everyone’s truth, and they too, were privy of the real you? What if, everything you believed was exactly the contrar? Could you be brave enough to accept those new revelations, or would stubborness, fear, and the lack of idealism plague your growth? It takes questioning to learn more, but as we mature from our adolescent selves, ironically we question less, preffering comfort to re-construction. Somehow, the mere act of questioning is both brave and audacious, because of the way in which we cling to conventional norms and wisdoms. Conforming is the new tolerance, and individuality is the new prison, Welcome!
So here’s a question, can there be chaos without control, or control without chaos? Or simply, do they both feed off each other? We see life as if everything has an opposing force, instead of a complimentary one. Obviously, perception is reality. Along with the connotations attached to our complicated dubious and ambiguous langauge. Maybe control is chaotic, and chaos however, is a means of control. Maybe because the act of supplementing a control for chaos, creates conditioning. Yet, no control is constant, besides in the fact that it is just like life, therefore, constantly changing. We have frames, doctrines, laws, and paradigms that we use to identify and medicate the themes we come across in life, but those structures and foundations are constantly in a state of agitation, or change, as life evolves and we adapt. Therefore, control I believe, is chaotic, because we have to compliment chaos with order, it’s opposite, but does that mean that chaos is control, or does chaos merely beckon control? The latter would be obvious. Control is ever evolving and adapting, like lifes organisms and societies. In order to survive, control creates a norm, or certain conditions, so then life in itself is “Chaotic Control”-birthing a ceaseless cycle of conditioning
–
I tell her to stay
she try to go-
she try to stay
I try to leave-
like she is my tree
like she is my sleeve-
she try-on my heart
it is her size-
im wearing on her
and she wears me out-
the girls like a man
that show how he feel-
she see the girls
and see my appeal-
I try to split
banana won’t peel-
but she need a pill
because she feelin ill-
she keeping secrets
her secrets revealed-
when she get a drink
in to her gills-
there’s plenty of fish
but that ain’t the deal-
this is a pickle
but she can not dill-
what is the deal
she want me to kneel-
she try to feel
but she can not feel
so she play the field
now I’m in my feels
now I have a shield
still wondering if she’ll..
but she never will
–
do u love me, or u love me not?!
no really do u?
cuz my stomach in knots!
its just u promise a lot
then contradict with a thought
now my confidence at a loss
and u comprehend it as fault
u say its mine when we talk
like this shit all in my head?!
but all THAt I see is fog
I hear ur echoing heels
as they SLAP the side walk
I look up and ur lost
speaking my truth at a cost
what’s the point of a heart
if it only beats when its tossed
I wear it on my sleeves, maybe these sleeves should come off!
u say u love me don’t lie!
(gulp)Im drinking my pride
because I’m tryna hide
that I’m dying inside
fuck!
why should I cry?!
you just hate being alone!
u don’t know bout real love (hiccup)
ahhhh should give up
why do I even get up
stuck in my feels and all I feel is bitter
tasting the remnants of your lipstick glitter
the sweetest venom..
I secretly kiss your picture
and then I rip it
placing it in an envelope, reluctantly I send it
after I write a sentence
“only for your eyes…but I hope you dont get it”
–
she told me she love me
why won’t she cry for me
she told me she’ll never leave
why won’t she cry for me
she said she’d rather be nowhere but right here
why won’t she cry for me
she said there’s no one else like me
why won’t she cry for me
she said she has never felt like this before
why won’t she cry for me
she said she goes into a love portal when our lips collide
why won’t she cry for me
she said she feels so cold after we break away from our embrace
why won’t she cry for me
she said I’m not her first, but I am her first
why won’t she cry for me
she looks at me deep, with this question in her eyes
longing for some kind of answer
she always asks me how I feel
she wants to hear me say it
I say the exact same things she said
her look became distant
she found her answer
I didn’t notice
until she said goodbye
I reached for her, but it was too late, she slipped away
wanting things I could never give
looking for something I clearly couldn’t see
why can’t I cry for her…
I wish I could cry for her

Filed Under: Culture, Inside, Love, Trauma

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Prose of a Con

Prose of a Con is a collection of Russell Wardlow’s prose and poetry written entirely behind bars. Through writings on family, spirituality, freedom, love, justice, redemption, and vulnerability, Russell seeks to show the humanity and hope of individuals like himself who are incarcerated.

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