Poetry and Prose by Russell Wardlow
Pain
Is a flower that must grow
Through a soil that is only enriched by tears
We can never understand the purpose in its process
But if we choose to
We can see the beauty that blossoms
And the clarity inhaled through its nectar
So pain, becomes purpose, becomes love
Love is persistent
And though it may die
You can’t change the fact…that it existed
I been through the system, symptoms
Been opened my eyes mom and dad was missing, mission
I try to talk to the world but the world won’t listen, vision
When I close my eyes more prayers and wishing
And then I open my eyes, nay Sayers and critics
New places of living, I never prayed for forgiveness
I couldn’t take to religion, too many pages were missing
I worried more about my stomach aches, not my faith that was missing
No help, they ain’t fit to live in the world that I live in
I guess it’s safe to say they stayed in denial from distance
No peers on the side of the aisle when I was on trial as a misfit
Dad dead, mom in prison
Separated from siblings
I hold my head up and wonder if God is listening
Then ask him why I feel pain
So much trauma in my life now I don’t feel pain
I don’t feel sane..I been through this system
She say that I’m lucky, she said cause she loves me
I asked, what do you study, she said, criminal justice
Ahh, you put me on crutches, she said she wouldn’t judge me
I asked, well what do you want
She said what’s wants over needs, I asked, well what do you need?
She said she wants what she needs
You talking in riddles tell me what do you mean
She said, ‘mean’ is just average, she shoots for the stars and she landed on me
That gave me a laugh, she kissed me and blushed
I said we shouldn’t, she said what shouldn’t we Russ?
We shouldn’t rush
She said we shouldn’t wait, I said what if it’s lust
She said what if it’s fate..
There’s a lot that I been through, there’s more that I’m going through
She said she loves adventures and there’s so much more we can go through
I said I seen it all, she said not what I’ll show you
I asked how do you know? She said I know because I know me so I know you- we are one in the same
Baba Ram Dass- only that in you which is me, can hear what im saying
You got the blues, you lookin like ‘well what’s new?’
You ain’t been hurt in awhile…’cause you haven’t let no one else through
You feel a lot safer when you closed off
You feel less sacred with your clothes off
You feel real naked when you go out
Attention isn’t really what you about
It feels more real when it’s one on one
But it hurts too much from the one on one
Especially when you feel like he the one
And then he adds company, you like “bye boy cause I’m not the one”
I see you stand strong on your own two
But it’s been too long on your own two
You ain’t about Russian, you American, you ain’t about rushin, that’s the wrong move
You ain’t trying to be anybody’s property, you don’t want to let a man own you
You don’t want just any man on you
Being strong, you don’t have nothing left to lose
These men don’t change and the days seem the same, oh girl, yea you got the blues
I’m tryna live inside out my means
I woke up inside a dream
Whispers inside a scream
Trying to find “me” inside of team
Giving while there’s nothing left
Living inside of death
Trying to find the “why’s” inside my ex
Finding more inside of less
I’m living inside out my means
I’m an accomplished contradiction is what that means
Would you jump from the edge of a cliff
Into the deepest abyss
Where imagination exists
And infatuation with risk
Like infatuation with wrists
Where imagination desists
Would you let it flow, or reap what you sow, over a hole while becoming whole from a stitch?
So many problems we fix
We treat problems like a fix
The reason problems exist
Because we’re the problem to fix
would you..