Trauma

I only feel when I’m threatened or stressed

I have to go thru something to feel something

to feel valuable

when nothing happens, I feel dead

but everything I react to intensely

as if it’s life or death

I have no medium

in traumatized people

we have hyperactive amygdalas

which may dull our prefrontal cortex

so I have less filter…

all I am, is the moment at hand

either up or down

full of extreme changes

and this is the only explanation you’ll get,

that makes any sense

I’m always either one of two extremes

I grew up

mother incarcerated

father deceased

I grew up

as a foster child

and ‘my mother’s’ child

I grew up

confused, shamed, and angry

lost, unfit, and skeptical

I grew up

witnessing adult truths

experiencing adult lives

I grew up

hearing adult lies

feeling adult pain

I grew up

in a merry go round

home shelter institution home facility…

I grew up

absorbing everything

blending, but never fitting

I grew up

standing by, no one stayed standing by my side

none understood me

I grew up

with internal battles

viewed by my reactions

I grew up

seen as trouble

judged like a man

I grew up

aggressive, out of fear and protection of myself

that narrative carried thru my years, stunting my growth

still, I grew up

now look where I am

exactly where I started off

but at least I grew up…

I die so much daily

living to reflect on the happening the next day

surprised I’ve survived

when I think so often

and succumb to frequently

my own death

but there’s a rebirth

unfolding like a cocooned butterfly

eagerly meeting its first horizon

resurrected,

I’ve lived again