A man asked me to help him get his life sentence commuted. He observed me, listened to me speak about certain issues and a few recent spoken words I’ve performed in front of outside guests and organizations within the clubs here. From that, he asked that favor, moved by my passion insight. What a compliment to my mission. He needed help writing a cover letter about his life story and prison experience to the governor. I’m helping him fight for another chance at life and he’s trusting me with that weight. How do I even measure that importance? Helping a man get back to his family. Often, we all heal by helping others heal…we all find our inner fight, by helping others fight. I was given a semblance of freedom helping a man get his back. No matter what you are trying to do, if it is for the right reasons you find purpose. We all have a purpose, be patient, because a process can’t be forced. Friday he meets his engaged, soon to be mother, daughter that was given up for adoption for the first time. She is in her mid-20’s and emotionally ready to connect with her father. A life at any point is worth to fighting for.
Mercy
I once contemplated suicide
I once contemplated suicide
I truly tried
even a beast knows beauty lies
so many times
I became unglued inside
like who am I?
looked in the mirror like, “who the fuck are u to decide?”
look to the skies
no, I’m too disguised
do or die
everytime
I lewd my mind, I loose my mind, I lose my mind!
broken mirror! broken bottle! broken man! broke inside!
I lost my life! I lost my sons! I lost my fight!
I.
felt.
like.
dyinggggggg, no lie
I.
felt.
like.
givingggggg up, no lie
but now
I.
think.
I.
feel.
some. thinggggg
my numbness comes and goes
I.
have.
feelingssss?
do. you. feel. me?
please don’t hang up no more
life. kept. calling. for me. to. stayyyyy
maybe. some. one. loves. me. still?
I can’t compare my pain
so I just share my pain
promise you won’t run away
if. I. show. my. face
am I ugly
am I worth it
do you hear me?
echoes are too loud
let go? I’m. too. proud.
I’m not
a.
lone.
please hurt with me, or help me hurt no more..
–Speak up, I’m no longer ashamed to say I felt like giving up, I felt like I couldn’t outrun my mistakes. I felt like love could never love me. I felt forgiveness was unreal, beauty could never be any part of me, and no matter how loud or quiet I spoke, I could never be heard or understood. But then I found..that I wasn’t alone. Speak up, speak out, speak loud, and someone will hear you, we are more similar in our pain, fears and struggles. If you hide, then how can you be found and helped?..believe you are worth the help. I feel you. Don’t give up, because you have more to give, we just lose sight sometimes.
Pro se Con-tints: Justice Cold, Just Ice Cold
There are answers we don’t understand, so it’s encumbant we try to search for them, not just assume the void of a reason understand is good enough to not trek in order to concoct your own safe assumption. Learning doesn’t stop once you’ve grown from adolescence. I was sentenced by a judge that never looked me in the eye and his last words were “… because you are so smart I’m giving you this much time…” I’ll leave you to your own philosophy what he meant, and how a punishment with those words can never be given fairly as opposed to being so stupid or ignorant, would I have gotten more or less? And then before the parole board dismissed me, a man asked me what schools I went to and the education tests I took upon coming to prison. I maxed every subject, so how can someone so smart have this..and he turned the screen showing my misconduct history my first four years, not caring that I have been write up free this past year and more. So I guess he’s saying I should be smart enough to shut up and be docile? Or there’s a problem with me and not the system because intelligence mixed with unfavored behavior doesn’t make sense in his world, prison has no room for intellect! Hmm, riots, institutional racism, emotional trauma, gang violence, loneliness, prison life in general and racial divides, the threat of danger, and the loss of friends/family must play no role at all! Then he finishes his statement telling me that I am so smart that I can actually help people do their time, I have enough time left to really make a difference, but the fact that that’s been my mission which he never got to fully comprehend because I wasn’t heard nor allotted efficient time to speak because of their hectic schedule and if I’m being honest-what also seemed to be a lack of care, he went on to advise me of what I’ve taken on day in and day out but in his mind I can help my cons within the two years they rather I wait. Hypocrisy or ignorance? Had he not asked, I’d have been dismissed within 90 seconds..they didn’t even know I finished a program they favor and recommended, and I quote, “Oh!” (check mark). Oh! You gotta love it!
Pro se Con-tints: Hate to see you go..
Hate to see you go…but I love watching you walk away.
Being at this new facility is bitter sweet. You get to see so many people leave week after week, the changeover is spectacular and generates hope…until you see the next bunch of people pouring in. And suddenly you’re reminded of the well oiled machine still in its perfecting perpetuating cycle, replacing old parts with new parts. But within this cycle, you find yourself getting attached to some of the gears, though attachment is the least on your list of needs. But sometimes you can’t help but to vibe with a kin spirit enduring your same strife. Those bonds create a haven within this cycle of time and make it all the more bearable. They become a part of your schedule…a valuable part of your day and the up keeping of your hope, sanity, and strength. Things are always kept in perspective, until that gear which shifts you so effortless has reached its life span and it is his time to depart. You dread the day, yet you are happy for him, you don’t wish to trade places, only to not feel the void that will accompany his absence. You try to withdraw slowly, even making jokes about pulling away to soften the blow of his upcoming disappearing act, but you still want to be as supportive as possible and replant the necessary tools in his mind to not comeback to this factory. And then…he’s gone. Bitter, SWEET. My day will come, one day…and until then, I hate to see them go but love to see them walk away.
Pro se Con-tints
I find more strength and purpose the more people reach out, thank you, this is a lonely road we treck in life sometimes. The parole board laid me down for 2 years, which only set the groundwork for more to be accomplished. Thinking of my sons, but I hope you all stay on this ride with me, and thank you for your encouragement. I’d be lying if I said this wasn’t hard and a little disheartening, but there’s strength in every struggle, and this is the cultivation of a diamond! Practice is the preacher, passion preceded pursuit, pursuit was the predecessor of purpose, and personification embodied purpose, principles are paramount and promises become parliment in the paradise we find in paradoxes…Possibility is the paragonic pyramid of Potential shining like prisms, that can’t even be dimmed by prison..because prison is only a matter of perception to each person. Peace can only be pierced by procedure, so we can find power outside of parallels and architect perpendicular processes of progression within life called, PoetryInMotion.
Prosed Con-fession:
I joke with my best friend Katie that I don’t know who is better, you, or God. She says God of course because he works through her and she is who she is because of God. I mean, do you know how it feels to have people in your corner that engineer such a belief and effort in you beyond the many wrongs you have exhibited, but have an endless faith of who you really are, even when you may question it or not know at times? So how could I not see God and believe in him because the friendship I receive is beyond explanation. I may never be religious per say, or I guess title myself outside of anything than a believer of a power greater than myself, of spirituality and divinity, of a God, my God. I’d be a fool not to recognize the power of Jesus Christ in my life. God, you have gave me the best type of friends that I can call family that have championed a belief in me which has woken me up at the right time. You have protected and built my two sons as strong, talented, beautiful kids with the work of their mothers despite my absence. You have saved my life when I felt I may lose mine or have to take life in order to survive inside these prison walls. You were a voice when I never reached out to you or any friends/family while I spent lonely nights in the hole and dangerous days walking within this barbed wire. You have given me a voice from feeling silenced by a sentence; you demonstrate in so many ways that there have been signs that I’ve ignored and now that I am ready to receive you, I see you in so many things each day. I used to have to have the answers for every problem in my life, but you bare that answer. How many times have I neglected belief in you and considered reason within the temporary things that do not have the capacity to love me back, like gangs, material things, women without virtues and pride. I can say so much more, like how you got me here, out of Tecumseh, and how you have shown me that the talents I have been blessed with are to be used for the glory of you by helping people that struggle just like me, because love and struggle are human issues and with you, I know I can affect change and healing in so many, starting with myself, my sons, their mothers, my friends and family, and the many people wanting to be heard and understood. God, I accept you as my Lord and Savior, today and for the rest of the days of my life. I may fall, but you knew when that would happen and already laid out a plan on how I can rise back up again. I’m not perfect but you are, so I know exactly who to call on when my flaws surface. So the answer is that the greatest is..Ka.. I mean God! ha, He’s got to have a sense of humor right? I mean he created me, but is it still a joke if he saw it coming? Some answers I’ll never know and never need, but he is the one I will always have and eternally need…believe, there’s signs around us all. Don’t be too naïve to try and solve a problem within a life you can’t fully comprehend, believe, believe in something greater than self. I heard a movie quote on Lucy posing the question, if “we focus more on having than being?” The more we reach for inanimate things outside of self, the further we get from self, which is the further we veer from God. I’ve found my answer, and so after so long, if you’re still searching than…