Poetry and Prose by Russell Wardlow
I can’t help it
if I look at you,
when I look at you,
sneaking looks at you,
gahh, I can’t help it!
We can’t help who we meet
where we meet them
how we meet them
I can’t help where we met!
That we met
and wanting more than to meet you,
but I can help you meet me-
beyond this scenery
I’m, beyond this scenery.
There’s seasoning, but if this is mostly what you see in me
it’s ok, I can’t help it.
Why is believing in self so hard?
People seem scared of the responsibility of choice
I mean that kind of choice where there are consequences that can’t be blamed on anyone but yourself
People seem safer in their blame bubbles
believing in themselves so flawed that the suppression of self can be their ONLY hope at salvation
Since when did suppression mean freedom
When did suppression mean a fuller life
When did suppression become a means for judgement
When did suppression become a place of separation
Suppression is another prison we’ve created within our lives
Sow scary is it to know in yourself More
To know in yourself that source and light of God’s perfection and love
but still unable to deal with your own self
battling fear, pain, self consciousness, ego, forgiveness, animosity, desires, urges, delusions, confusion, guilt
How many titles and labels have done nothing but serve as more sanctions and prisons
No wonder we’re so in love with sending masses off to prison
it’s like a deflection from self judgement of personal guilt
instead of peering into a mirror, you turn from it
then build prisons feeling more safe offering judgement than love
scared of self reflection
irony- reflection has become prison.
There are lions in this jungle
dogs, snakes, alphas, apex predators, gorillas titans and hybrids in this jungle
coded consensus, since senses are heightened in this jungle
there’s no crying in this jungle
there are liars but don’t be caught lying in this jungle
you can’t close your eyes, they better not see your eyelids in this jungle
they hunting, they coming, they lunging for lunches you can’t run, the chase is fun, don’t be caught by surprise in this jungle
you can’t be nice, that’s too high a price, no rolling the dice in this jungle
there’s even cats, rats, and mice in this struggle, trying to get a slice in this jungle
riots defiant alliances tied to vices and violence fighting despite the time spent, shhh, is the code of silence in this jungle
there’s no violin in this jungle
you cant hide in this jungle
there’s even alotta pride inside because daylight looks like night and you can’t see how to get to the other side from this jungle
there’s even solitary tunnels where misery funnels in this jungle
some men try but some men die, strength you summon, comes in, no abundance but bundles in every size in this jungle
you may get life or lose your life in this jungle
survival in the wild, despite your will, wield you a knife in this jungle
before you get left, protect your right, you’re wrong even if you’re right, so you can’t try to be right in this jungle
debates are preludes to cage fights, verbal mental and physical displays of might in this jungle religion is a cop out, and if you ever show emotion…goodbye, goodnight in this jungle my only respite is when I write in this jungle
Hope I can catch up to my letters and see you on the other side of this jungle.
We all crave to be on top instead of below or on the side which we deem as a consequence
but every topping is still a side, like condiments
we can’t keep measuring our lives to someone else’s accomplishments
the standard is you, besides whose to say in your life those things would be considered accomplishments
take pride in your individuality, don’t flock to a common sense
because if you never agree with the consensus and yet you still put up, those are hard blows to your confidence
we all have our own paths and our own struggles
so why would you base your life on the model of someone else while still, being plagued by your own troubles
see, there’s one Russell…even though there’s more than one Russell
when leaves die, they rustle
when feathers don’t flock together, they ruffle
when life puts you in a corner, you rumble
when I say Young Russ, that’s us!-Young in Spirit, Resilient Under Stressful Situations-that’s not just Russell
But I seek to Rise Under Soulful Soil Eternally Living Liberated
That’s Russell, not anyone else that I view at a distance
see, there’s more than one Russell, the next one may stand for something completely different so if we have the same name, then what makes the difference?
experience…is the only real description
what I’m saying is, no one else’s experiences can make you, and your name doesn’t make you but you make your name and create the destination to where each experience may take you we all may have a different God that we pray to
but prayer in all religions still wield the same prelude
looking for an answer, looking for some help
looking in the mirror not reflecting but looking for yourself
looking for forgiveness or looking for some stealth
looking for attention, and looking for some wealth
looking for some love, but you can’t love yourself
so you pray for others more because you place Your value in everyone else
but you think what you being is unique, you real huh
that’s why you celebrate the reason why you or your homies can get killed huh
you got the formula, you grown beyond that enfamil huh
you scared to be yourself, your hood ain’t just a family, its ya shield huh
you probably still get offended when you hear something real huh
if it don’t match with how you view your lies and how you feel huh you
acting like you don’t feel huh you still sticking to the same code that made him squeal and him take a deal huh
acting as if you was just clapping to get a meal and pay ya bills huh
get a grill, you think you concealed so you conceal huh
but those straps became embodiments of how you really feel huh
lost and lonely, scared and only living for the appeal so you pop a pill squeeze the peel then peel huh
you admire athletes so you run the streets like its the field
huh even Kaepernick had to lift the curtain on what was real, so he kneeled, you’d die before you’d take a knee, and that’s why these cops is upping they kills huh
you say you don’t shit where you eat, but what you call home is the kill zone, but you harder than steel huh?
you stand as a man a part, but you been following ever since you joined
say you following your heart, but you’re led by a corrupted mind and your groin
I know you loyal, crazy and insane
so you might get right back out and do the same damn thing
then wonder why, you thought you got smarter but nothing has changed
in the end, you can’t put it on anyone else, following suit instead of experiencing your own lane damn, aint that a shame
all that idolizing and only yourself to blame
I got two sons,
that shine on me
like I’m under two suns
as they shine on me
and I cast one helluva shadow
learning to keep my sons close
no matter how much I may sweat
I’ll never again shed their shine and let go
I’m just being honest tho honestly all honesty isn’t truth
its just what I see from my point of view
its just things I tend to make up
but how can I read a face thru disguises or makeup
I try not to run like your features peering thru wet glass or makeup
cuz those moments I stay we have a break thru and the best make up
diatribes that turn to dialogue, we mesh up
look we human we both messed up
my motto everything isn’t tomato tomato and if u make it to tomorrow then respect the past, or it’ll all catch up
there’s alotta broken promises bridges trusts and relationships I have to hash up
but today its seems people can just move forward with a hashtag
so I wonder if its even worth directly confronting those past issues because the world is moving that fast
beyond the old things that the farthest thing behind, that may serve to remind of any moment
in time is a back pack
holding tested knowledge and lessons learned now they can learn on the go so they may not be doing that bad
or maybe I shouldn’t judge the surface and assume pain lurks deep beneath hidden like it does with me
I can see the fracture, it resembles the same inconsistent way people call themselves getting in touch with me
going back and forth reaching out acting as if I need their company
when in reality they need some from me
you can never fabricate the wrinkles in every piece of fabric, the irony
is that you can see clearly when you step back taking your feelings out of it entirely
realizing you’re in prison but you’re not the only one stuck in the same place going thru pain stunted growth not growth spurts
feel worse in the cold burr
of the night winds dealing with pride stuck in your molar
the wisdom in u is facing the fact that your soul hearts
eclipsed from being able to see why or even look at any reflection of the truth flared like its solar
tho you struggle with your girls or your guys, with the guise of being the one soul that’s supposed to console cuz all u know and your known as an ex-trovert
but any peace of mind is borrowed cuz internally u feel like a lon-er
fixing everything but yourself cuz misery loves company but company continues to get closer and those around u start picking up on the fact that your in need of some kind of closure but u don’t want to expose your
hand, so u fade to the background making up excuses to resist any further exposure
they call and pry while u deny trying to rely on stealthy composure
here it is so many years later and nothing has changed besides the morbid fact of u getting older
and your head hangs lower
eye bags, starring into your iphone or ipad-
and your back has a bulge as u try not to divulge your load within your posture but you’ve been
carrying like a boat, a bulk of baggage upon your shoulders
every pebble you’ve kicked and rock u thrown molded into a bolder
now there’s nothing light enough left around for u to disregard so evading tactics are becoming bolder
u don’t realize that this is the byproduct of dealing with the symptoms and not diagnosing the root
suddenly u respond to every question asked as if every finger is pointed at u and u start spilling things out that u know is just bullshit from a secluded deluded and jaded point of view
then u call it being honest, tho honestly all honesty isn’t truth
looking back at my past
it seems u will never forgive me, cuz u can’t get beyond all that
I swallow my pride, tall glass
u only remember the bad like there was never no good, frequently missing calls whenever I dial
your number, I question if I should cal back
tell me what do u call that
u said u was riding, but now u don’t know where u going u say u just want your car with the onstar back
I get it, I know that its hard but I was hoping you’d hang on like a guitar strap
crypted messages when I tell u I love u instead of saying it upfront, I was merely protecting myself but I know I regret it but I hope u understand, I hope u get it, I’m indebted but I hope u forgive all that
I try and try to tell u I’m sorry, but u never pay attention
never stay and listen
yet forever stray and mention
my mistakes and only state dissention
only make decisions
that u believe will keep u safer, with me staying at a distance
but all your relationships end the same so tell me what’s the difference
pain cures cuz love heals, becuz love reveals what pain conceals so u know pain cuz u know love
but right now u not given up no love
I say I’m not given up, to only receive a response within your cold shrugs
wit a big chip on your shoulders, come on grow up
we grown up
we both got pride, po’ up
how can we say anything but goodbye, showing me your back like centers trying to post up
u play me to your walls like a poster
I try to create a space for us to sit down like a coaster
because standing firm keeps us from getting closer
keeps us from getting closure
we only getting colder
we argue religiously like its kosher
like its our culture
full-disclosure
the more we fight the more it feels like your walls open
like nostrils over a cup of folgers
I wonder if u ever notice
I feel u testing my limits, although pushing creates resistance, these intense moments mirror Your selfies, u seem more in focus
and I’m working on trying to be more present
its just that we teeter on the edge kickin our feet like we seated on the bottom of the moons crescent
and while we’re up here and on edge, I guess its still a beautiful view
I think u like the excitement in fighting, inside u are a titan plus your furrowed eyebrows look beautiful two
its hard to hate u when your’re angry
because its as if I’m observing a Renaissance painting
I’m learning more the more we rendezvous, a natural renegade feigning
a reluctance to the energy spent in love yet u get off from complaining
I see clearly now that that’s your love language
a foreshadowing show of your barriers fading
ridiculing my past was a mask for the fear of the future we’re facing
You never imagined yours being coupled with another, sometimes I wonder how u never cease to amaze me
my 4 seasons for a reason becuz you always change me