as I grow
evolve I must
coming aware
of what’s needed
like veins to a bloodstream
as a black man
representation is both
restoration
and respiration
or dialogue loses substance
convening with lesser in common
and after so long
what is the point
when our cultural aims
may be as separate as the coming day’s sun
the last thing I need
is another unalike presence presiding over me
til the impending curve
your assistance is accepted
but your permission…?
nah, I’m good
Mercy
Freed
trying to control what you do not understand, it is fear!
release me! from Yours
you have no control, besides of your
self, though you have No, self control
so you over-control, but even that
doesn’t give you more control
trying to control what wasn’t meant to be, controlled
is force, an abusive one
I reflect that your spirit is remote
on an island, you’ve casted it out
but it should function as your inland
compassing your mainland, as your controller
aligned with the compass of heart
then you would arrive from inside your head
as your mind will follow
offering up its control, placing you
the real of you, the real in you
the real you, in control
you have lived, out of control
your believed control-the illusion of permanence
truly possessing nothing outside of you
be captained by a heart in harmony, with your spirit
and your tongue will ride along
speaking trueness
creating freeness
and you shall become, less controlled
by the impermanent you believed, you controlled
unleashed from the binds of abuse
as force inherits the natural energy of
spoken word
Survived More
overcompensating with, overindulged
processed foods
and I survive in this life, because
I don’t process, stimulants
I compartmentalize, reactions
there’s too much, to endure
too many, letdowns to climb out!
too much, darkness to overcome!
but, I get through
by going around, maybe I’ll stop by
a drive-thru
consuming something fried, and processed
substituting for, what hadn’t been processed,
yet, or still
but I digress, I’ll digest it all later
but for now, I still gotta live
suppose, it’s just part of my process
Fallible Makeup
Some
think the system is perfect
We know it isn’t
and
We will make a dent,
a dent
is all that’s needed
to cut the nose off
just to spite the face of
ignorance
pride
privilege
prejudice
oppression
corrupt and unchecked power
inequality
injustice
and
systemic racism
but
You and I
We,
we will change this world
one
abrasion
and
blemish
at a time
so that imperfection
won’t be cloaked in
the makeup of perfection
and
perfection
will be created
within the imperfect
beauty will not be a lie
nor hidden
it will be in all things
seen as truth
because
truth
will be ubiquitous
in all things
naturally-
as it is-
without our distortions
insecurities
and augmentations
like true
and deep
beauty
now the mission is clear
we’re out to do
an extreme and radical
makeover
remembering, and
restoring
the source of all
beauty-
as it is in
the people
us all
all throughout life,
living,
all living,
and non-living things
then We
will all know
not think
that we are
we are imperfectly perfect
or the other way around
and so shall it be your choice
after all
it is a makeover
Regardless, Life will Hurt the Same
I care less,
that you care less
you
are
care
less
that is careless
I’m
obsessed
possessed
you’re
processed
I’m
direct
I. crave. more
you. rather. less
I
progress
you
regress
I
express
you
repress
I
digress
you
suppress
I
confess
you
impress
because
you’re
depressed
and
I’m
depressed
so I
care less
that you
care less
nothing changed
more or less
because
stress
is stress
we’re all the same
I guess
Not as Crazy as I Once was
I know you may think I’m crazy
I know this may sound irrational
like projected dreams that refuse to be stomped on
these grandiose ideas of freedom my presence my growth and change
that may look and sound good
but seeming more improbable
than the attempt of a child haphazardly stacking structures in the kitchen to climb on
in order to grab and possess desires out of reach
until it
until it all came tumbling down
as those things he climbed upon
depended upon
to get him to where he was going
would become obstacles
despite the warnings he ignored
his ambition was just too vast to be quelled
and he falls with a loud thud
and everyone around has to rush quick to pick up the pieces
feigning a cautious love for the attempt
while inside holding a disbelief for the foolishness of it all!
straining from saying, I told you so
you’re smarter than that
you’re better than this
yet why are you so pridefully stubborn and did it anyway
and I know, I know I don’t have the best track record
plenty of times I’ve trampled my chances
with selfish desires and illusions of power and control
that I would wield like a samurai sword as my reason and excuse
thrusted at anyone and anything
that would try to challenge or defy the density of my belief
born to be a rebel at my core
as if the very spirit and fluid elixir of rebellion
gave me wings like gulps of a red bull
and it wasn’t my fault that no one understood that I was different
though I became the same, I believed that I would be different
the result would be different
that I knew how to take all the failures around me
and form a cabal of individualized and creative wisdoms that would defy the life expectancy of this concrete jungle
and I would invent a new wave and be the epitome of difference
and my roar would be heard across city blocks
as if I was Caesar himself returning home to Rome
from a successful conquest of conquering
with the cheering love fear hate and respect adorned to the physical and mental prowess that I exhibited
which would master my surroundings
and transcend my environment
like a boss
whatever that means
but I fell short
you see, I never wanted to follow
I wanted to lead
but I followed too long
and was misled
and by the time I noticed it
it was too late
I was in too deep
so fuck it, I’m here now
now I have to become the best that I can
at being the worst that I can
I know, me and my paradoxes
yea it sounds crazy saying it aloud
but you should try listening to yourself from time to time
you’d be surprised at how emotions sound so rational
and every thought makes the most sense that you never heard
and you are God’s gift to wisdom
and you have the solution and key
and…but this
damn
door
still
won’t
open!
and this mirror still cracks
and these walls still corner me
and my voice still echoes like the heart in my empty body
sure I got chances, but not fair chances
how can it be all my fault, I’m not the card dealer
I’m just the gambler
I had to make something
from what appeared as something
but I am no chemist, alchemist, or magician
I’m just a man!
a human being
a flawed creature
and I’ve only had myself to believe in
why doesn’t anyone understand this
I can’t be that alone and crazy
everyone else had ideas that sounded just as crazy as mine
it just is what it is
one day
be patient
you get what you get
life isn’t fair
everyone struggles
life is about choices
but…
but they all sounded stuck and content with being in line
with just accepting everything for what it was…for what it is
like they had withdrawn and lost their fight
but I am a fighter
a provider
a protector
a creator
but I can’t say that with a straight face, looking my sons in the eye
it would sound just as crazy as…
I’m sorry
I love you
I’m there for you whenever you need me
I’m changing and growing for you
I’m better than I was
I think of you in everything that I do
I learned my lesson
I’m coming home
we’re going to travel all over the world
don’t make the same mistakes that I did, be better
I showed you how to be absent, so take it upon yourself to learn how to defy your struggles and be present
when you say it aloud
it doesn’t sound how it did in your head
but it doesn’t make it not true
because life is about choices
and I choose to speak my favored reality into existence
before my pain and troubles ever committed
I was resilient and persisted
before my mind and heart was ever conflicted
I was resilient and persisted
before these prison walls ever existed
I was resilient and persisted
before the judge ever gavelled my conviction
I was resilient and persisted
before my hope and dreams had ever drifted
I was resilient and persisted
before the apparition of my demons became convincing
I was resilient and persisted
before I ever believed I hadn’t enough to feel as though I should risk it
I was resilient and persisted
I am resilient and persistent
I am resilient and persistent
now my conviction is my conviction
of defying blind statistics
by applying wisdoms
from life decisions
and my collisions
of pride and fiction
and if my time is grifted
I rather cosign a higher state of mind parallel with the sky
as if I can fly for instance
grasping everything that was once out of reach like a kid trying to climb in kitchens
manifesting every bit of grand idea of freedom, presence, growth, and change
so that I may never sound irrational again
and you will come to believe me
and believe in me
because my direction is no longer against the wind
I’ve let go of my illusions of power and control
I’ve changed, I am change
I am different, I make a difference
I’m like a gift card, in that, I am redeemable
don’t count me out
my reasons are no longer counterfeit
I don’t have to be the places I choose to be
and yet here I stand, trying to become the best version of me
but the proof is in my actions, but since you can’t see them,
I just thought I’d let you know
I’m not as crazy as I used to be