The saddest thing
is making plans far down the road
at a date where you’ll still reside in prison
as if it’s normal
to plan
and look forward
to living days backwards
Poetry and Prose by Russell Wardlow
The saddest thing
is making plans far down the road
at a date where you’ll still reside in prison
as if it’s normal
to plan
and look forward
to living days backwards
Ran from too many lectures and pressures, back pressed to the fire exit doors
Jump through so many hoops just to stay level and settle scores
while you act as if you walk across rose pedaled floors
I see your gestures-
Sequestered by your suggestions and measured questions you press me for
then stoking my ego as if you know what I’m destined for
though you treat me with the same love I got arrested for
you rob me of it-
yea yea I’m special
I’m ghetto
a rebel
I revel at revolting
but that’s only before the ship tips over
I got this chip on my shoulder
it’s hard to keep from getting colder
besides what’s a heart on a sleeve when I’m frozen?
I know the gift I behold only emboldens
if struggle is the route for exposure, then I’m the chosen
so if you live in a glass house, better stick to skipping pebbles in the ocean
but you are what you throw, and rocks are corrosive
I’m sending my notice
I’m coming world, in case you don’t know it
my belief system is growing
my passion symptoms has me glowing
my peers say that I’m showing
fears dissipating each moment
the portrait I portray doesn’t betray me no longer
I’m only getting stronger
the longer I’m holding on
better sound the alarm
unless you’re counting on karma
but I’m shrouded in armor
that won’t allow you to harm me
or down me like insoluble salts
I’ve drowned out your intolerable taunts
me and the mirror have held countless invaluable talks
I know where I’m headed
I know where my head is
I know my direction
a piece of coal doesn’t die stressing
it sheds into a diamond, and a diamonds defies, it doesn’t digress
so walking within this mine has been my test
as long as I could come out on the other side, where I can shine best
only thing left, is the pressure of your judgmental foot on my neck!
You don’t know how I feeel
…inside
you don’t know how I feel
…inside
you don’t know how I feeeel
…inside
you don’t know what I see
inside my eyes
quit saying
dry. my. eyes.
quit saying
men. don’t. cry.
quit saying, quit saying
all. your. lies.
quick sand is
where. I. lie.
cuz you don’t know how I feel
…in-side
you don’t know how I feel
…in-side
you don’t know what I conceal
insideee. my. mind.
quit saying
clear. my. mind.
quit saying
fears. a. lie.
quit saying
ne-ver. mind.
quit saying quit saying
it’s. all. right.
quick sand is
where. I’ll. die.
cuz you don’t knoww
how I..feel
…in-side
you don’t know how I feel
when. there’s. no. light.
fuck. my. Life
Life is your economy
fueled by energy, empathy and economics
on this journey
the car is your economics
the passenger is your energy
the road is your empathy
if E=MC^2
then Energy, equals Mastered Condition and Consciousness
meaning that our energy,
is a product of our conditions and consciousness
energy- meaning our life
conditions- meaning environment and influences
consciousness- meaning our knowledge wisdom and understanding
so where we are placed,
and what is imposed upon us,
mixed with what we are and aren’t aware of,
create our dispositions, our mind state
because…
we are both the sum of our experience
and the manifestation of our thoughts
but like an old proverb, once you know, you can’t unknow
so once we realize and act behind the knowledge of-
our thoughts creatingh and driving our experience-
then we won’t just be a conditioned herd
there’s an African proverb which says,
“they don’t know, what they don’t know,
because they don’t know, that they don’t know it”
but once awakened, learned and liberated from unknowingness
then we can become empowered thinkers
capable of manifesting our own desired realities
and transcending our conditions
because of our enlightened and in-tuned consciousness
if we have a stronger connection to our metaphysical constructs
not being so attached to the physical
then we can will transmute our spirit’s knowledge,
to tangible life changes
which offer
prosperity
health
peace
harmony
and loving relationships in abundance
and we can begin to create for ourselves,
instead of solely accepting what has been created for us
being nothing more than consumers
only influenced, and rarely influential
because
“if all we desire is the inanimate objects,
then like them, we shall also decay”
our creativeness lacks in a reality where all there to be gained
is viewed as limited
and savagely competed over
therefore our beliefs will stretch no further
than our own understandings of abundance and limitlessness
“we foolishly believe our OWN limitations are the proper measurement for limitation”
but I say,
“we foolishly believe ourselves limited and not limitless”
no matter our experiences
we can be the most important imprint upon our own lives
transcending our conditioning,
by transforming our consciousness
getting away from thoughts anchored in
want
poverty
misery
failure
and defeat
instead of measuring ourselves up against others
we measure ourselves with others
not having to rely so heavily on influencers
but seeing ourselves as both art and artists
because like a quote from me says
“art thou both art and artist?”
see the creator and experiencer in yourself
contrar to popular belief, we have enough room for free thinkers
in that of being a free thinker,
you will begin to see your part of the whole
and the oneness of all
because E=MC^2
and if energy can’t be created nor destroyed
then all there is boundless energy around us that we all share
constantly giving and receiving
so who made up the word limit anyway
Take a look at who you process
those innocent kids thrusted into
statistics
poverty
and trauma
then grew up
after coping with minimal help and understanding
but you did understand us!
At least enough to categorize us into statistics
before we had any choice in the matter
and yet you still sent us away
with extreme prejudice, without prejudice
throwing away the key
even though you knew where I’d be headed
you sounded no alarm
you shepherded me towards harm
I see, I was born to a farm
statistics was just me being forewarned
Prison is a unique walk
that is,
if you’re looking to grow and mature
because making it through should be an accolade of itself
it is the physical boundaries of self determination
and self actualization
versus
self sabotage
and self annihilation
and the walk of growth and maturity in prison
almost never happens in the beginning
you have to go through that obligation to darkness
to achieve that opportunity for change
its actually surreal
when the world sees change as a demand
which it constantly stifles
yet sentences you to its quarters
as if it is a cleansing process
all go through and inherit without strife or struggle
but in prison,
change is a reward of long, hard fought battles
that end in many personal deaths
manifesting itself for you in the illusively ending war
as a right,
and if you take it’s hand,
it becomes a matter of how much of you is there left
to even bother taking it up on it’s offer,
unknowning what you have to offer
or even how and where to start
after seeing the truth of humanity
all concentrated in one area
the cost of change comes with
disorientation
survivors guilt
and PTSD in here,
what does yours come with?