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Prose of a Con

Poetry and Prose by Russell Wardlow

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Culture

It’s How You Say It

January 20, 2020 by Russell Wardlow Leave a Comment

People act like certain people can’t understand things if you don’t just tell them straight up…its not what but how

us convicts understand

yea, maybe I have a little more credibility than some

but I observed an amp’d up verbal

as two men were parting

I simply walked by with my YoungR.U.S.S energy

and said

we need to act more out of love, than the fear that we call anger!

he kept walking and said ‘what?’

so I re-stated,

we need to act more out of love, than out of fear which we call anger!

he said, ‘I feel that’

we shook up

then he asked about me making my special nachos

and since he felt me,

though I try to avoid cooking for others

I said bet,

next time I make them, you in

he said “Sunday, cuz “Claws” come on”

my nachos are Nobel peace worthy!

just speak with compassion

feed the soul…then the belly

though we feed our fears most

our real hunger is for Love.

Filed Under: Culture, Inside, Love, Spirit

I’m Dynamite Plus a Diamond

January 20, 2020 by Russell Wardlow Leave a Comment

I’m dynamite plus a diamond inside

but I’m dying inside

my insides feel like a pilot taking a dive from the sky

I’m surprised that my mind isn’t fried

who am I when I hide and I lie

I’m crying inside

when I try to hide the cries in my eyes

blurry skies, I’m blind, I need a guide to find light or peace of mind of mine in my life

I cant take advice, adding another vice is a vise binding then prying inside

my skin is thinning as if this time is trying to ply in my hyde

no silver lining the sky

help me

help me

help me

hurting

gaping

scars

wounds

welts

bruises

scrapes

scratches

scratching

screaming

tumbling

falling

crawling

retching

wretched

wicked

wic

lit

ticking

time

bomb

BOOM!

Filed Under: Culture, Inside, Spirit, Trauma

Russel

January 20, 2020 by Russell Wardlow Leave a Comment

Russell

who are you?

what does that even mean, who am I?

Answering that question sometimes is as weird and uncomfortable as asking it

You are strength power reserve resilience perseverance creative individual original idealistic spiritually exuberant champion brave and courageous

but what you aren’t, is identity

you aren’t confidence as much as you are pride ego indignity

you are just as much beaten down and weak as you are strong and powerful but this is why you are reserve resilience and perseverance

yet still instilled like steel, you are just as much deflated simple and predictable as you are creative

you are just as much judged, judgmental, hated, and hateful as you are your own individual you are every bit of everybody else their business and opinions as you are original and idealistic

you are every bit of shaped as much as u are a shape-shifter

u are every bit scared and fearful as u are brave and courageous

u are every bit a loser as u are a champion

you are a robot on autopilot

why?

Because u succumb

because u just put up

because u can do bad all by yourself

and u just koo and chillin

and u not trippin

and you wit it

and fuck it

cuz its whatever

and u not phased

and u just doing u

and ‘it is what it is’

and you in your own lane

same shit different day…

why…

why is dreaming for more and putting the work in so hard for you?

What, are u just good with complaining?

Accepting everything as is?

Then u hate on people dream of more

and that’s koo, but u have no real self value

all u do is what u been trained

and don’t say that ain’t tru

but that ain’t u

u living everyone else’s expectations

no matter how great or bad

ready to blow up and defend Nothing first chance you get at who u deem as opposition really,

u battling yourself and your own fears, needing respect and exposure

life is already a war, so why do u insist on creating more wars and battle wounds for yourself fighting all these different faces just as lost scared and confused as u

in the field just so u can have a story to tell

u wanna ‘keep it real, thorough, a hunned and all’

but if u in a mood u don’t wanna here the truth

so since you all about dares then..

I dare you!

to become, instead of just being

I dare you!

to exercise restraint while directing your pain towards a path of purpose-

not believing you are selling yourself short by not reacting,

but realizing that by proactivity, you make more gains towards a future built by You-

rather than one built for you by being impulsive, acting out of fear-which you call anger

no

u not mad

u just a scared boy that’s too afraid to grow up

believing your pain and story is something special and different than everyone else’s…

in a fight, who gets the best seats, the spectator or the fighter?

I dare you to stop spectating, and fight for more

fight for yourself to become yourself

don’t fight yourself because you’re scared and scarred

those are self inflicted, stop lying to yourself!

become you! let’s think out the box for a second

radical as opposed to conventional wisdoms…

what if i told you that the way you view the word ‘selfish’ has made you feel sorry for everybody outside of u

that u have no time and energy for self growth

that it keeps u in the same position

because your meaning of sacrifice is actually sabotage

because u hate yourself!

and u rather just do for others so u can stop thinking about who it is that u believe they see when they look at u

what if I told u that working on self is the best way to help someone else?

I is We

helping yourself is helping others

how can u improve things outside of u-

if the barriers inside u, have u so cut off that u can’t take heed to your own message-

u can’t even see yourself no more

how can u have an idea of what other people need if u don’t know what u need?!

u can’t build self value off others

u build self value by building self up

then u help by showing others how to do the same-

we are built to build UP, not accumulate build up

the cycles you get stuck in are of your own creation

when u lead for self,

when the only voice u hear is your own,

and the voice of those u try to help are mute,

than what are u doing?

stop preaching!

live your truth

let go of yesterday and tomorrow

be present

right here and now

you are a teacher just by all you’ve experienced

a teacher gives a platform for voices

a teacher learns twice by teaching

a teacher embraces the challenge of learning thru experience self growth and new environments

once u figure that we’re all a product of our environment,

u can choose to make your environment productive

your environment isn’t just who you are

u can create and move your environment

but “without discipline there is no development” Maulana Karenga said that

ultimately, you are who you create yourself to be

so next time I ask you who you are,

your answer should be a creation of your own

not of someone else’s

so, who are you?

Young R.U.S.S.!

Filed Under: Culture, Love, Mercy, Spirit

Right or Wrong

January 20, 2020 by Russell Wardlow Leave a Comment

I’m right that you’re wrong

you’re right that I’m wrong?

I’m wrong if you’re right?!

you damn right that you’re wrong!…

hold on, maybe you’re wrong that I’m right

I can see right when I’m wrong

but I can see right thru your wrongs

and you only see my wrongs, that aint right!

You say I’m wrong, because you’re right

you just like to be right, no matter your wrongs

no matter your flaws

no matter your past

no matter my pain

no matter my plummets

you raise the bar

pat yourself on the back, you passed your bar exam

you’re a judge now

your honor, you’re right

whatever you say goes

but now, no matter what you say

you’re wrong

so I’m gone.

Filed Under: Culture, Mercy, Trauma

What is a Flower?

January 20, 2020 by Russell Wardlow Leave a Comment

A symbol of love, an expression of love’s beauty, an offering and gift of love’s promise, a present picked for that love…hmm, what do you find when you go looking in the dirt? There is, and always will be weeds and crawling critters amongst the earth, but anyone that has picked flowers, picked from the dirt. How is it, that that is forgotten or lost on the mind, the things we deem so beautiful and symbolic to love, come from the very place we scorn as dirty and beneath us. The same place we all came from. A field of flowers is just a land of dirt decorated by floral wonders. So why continue to cast such a dark light on prison, not all things that grow in here are insects and weeds, there are many flowers too! Albeit, wild flowers, still flowers all the same. I’ve known and conversed with a few roses, lillies, violets, hydrangeas, sunflowers, and the like. Beautiful symbols of love, beautiful gifts once offered their fair share of love, unique expressions of gratitude from love- waiting to be seen and picked out from the dirt-to which has become their blessing and curse. Yet, home is home, we cant always change our background or out landscape our environment, but we can still rise and only hope to be seen. Seen as flowers and more than our environment, though gracious praise of the environment that blossomed the flowers we came to be. What will it take to bloom and be clean in your eyes, because it seems the world believes that you cant find love nor a good seed and flower deserving to be plucked from it’s prison. In the light of the sun, I try to believe that I’m more than this dirt that surrounds me. Although I still may have just as much a purpose in prison-the dirt, as out in the world one day. I feel the sun’s light and heat calling to me, but the heavy shadows and shade of my past and public opinion for the most part-does more to trample submerge and bury my growth, than it does to unearth me into someone’s loving graceful vase or hands of freedom space and opportunity. Freedom space and opportunity to where I may be able to flourish and outdo my potential of merely outside accolades that you deem as beauty. Thriving from the nectar and veins pumping deep within me that takes the form of passion ripe with promise, channeled pain, dedication, and direction. Can a Wild Flower dare to dream? Will you ever see the Flower, or forever the Dirt? Maybe the next time you buy or receive flowers, it just may hit you to consider where that flower came from, and the road it took to arrive in front of your eyes exactly at that moment in time. Every gift has a direction, every flower has a past, every present tells a story and until that is realized, perception will remain as hollow and surface as an empty vase-waiting to be filled by flowers that may sit seen yet unseen-until they decay, like most failed dreams and unknown potential. Same as you free people

Filed Under: Culture, Love, Spirit, Trauma

Why is Believing in Self So Hard?

January 20, 2020 by Russell Wardlow Leave a Comment

Why is believing in self so hard?

People seem scared of the responsibility of choice

I mean that kind of choice where there are consequences that can’t be blamed on anyone but yourself

People seem safer in their blame bubbles

believing in themselves so flawed that the suppression of self can be their ONLY hope at salvation

Since when did suppression mean freedom

When did suppression mean a fuller life

When did suppression become a means for judgement

When did suppression become a place of separation

Suppression is another prison we’ve created within our lives

Sow scary is it to know in yourself More

To know in yourself that source and light of God’s perfection and love

but still unable to deal with your own self

battling fear, pain, self consciousness, ego, forgiveness, animosity, desires, urges, delusions, confusion, guilt

How many titles and labels have done nothing but serve as more sanctions and prisons

No wonder we’re so in love with sending masses off to prison

it’s like a deflection from self judgement of personal guilt

instead of peering into a mirror, you turn from it

then build prisons feeling more safe offering judgement than love

scared of self reflection

irony- reflection has become prison.

Filed Under: Culture, Inside, Mercy, Spirit, Trauma

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Prose of a Con

Prose of a Con is a collection of Russell Wardlow’s prose and poetry written entirely behind bars. Through writings on family, spirituality, freedom, love, justice, redemption, and vulnerability, Russell seeks to show the humanity and hope of individuals like himself who are incarcerated.

Read More

  • Whose Mind is it Anyway June 30, 2022
  • Objects June 30, 2022
  • Same Thang, Different Name June 30, 2022
  • Optical Ill-lusions June 30, 2022
  • Hollow Symbols June 30, 2022

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