Culture

feel like I’m at the bottom, even when I’m at the top
well everything don’t mix-
I got so much left to prove, that’s why I can never stop
cuz everything can’t fix
and ignorance ain’t bliss
some things I gotta shake-up
too much weight- I had to break up
some love lost- I had to make up
options made- I had to take one
blame was gave- I had to face them
pain is always instigatin
I’m just steady renovatin
no escape- just immigration
I suppose I’m ventilating..

and what should I choose?…

cuz it’s starting to feel like no matter what I do somebody will lose
some things will cut,
and some things will bruise
but WayOfLife worry bout you
cuz they will not walk in your shoes
they have an opinion but they do not have any clue
when you was in prison, they never seen from your view
did they ever think about you?
out of sight out of mind…
but now that you’re back in their view
they want interviews
they wanna hear what’s deep inside of you
like what is your truth
cuz they wanna check how you feel about them,
they really aren’t worried bout you

feel like I’m at the bottom, even when I’m at the top
well everything don’t mix-
I got so much left to prove, that’s why I can never stop
cuz everything ain’t fixed
and ignorance ain’t bliss
some things I gotta shake up
too much weight- I had to break up
some love lost-I had to make up
options made- I had to take one
blame was gave- I had to face them
pain is always instigatin
I’m just steady renovatin
no escape just immigration
I suppose I’m ventilating

and you got two sons…

and you had a family, but you ain’t see them
they know bout your sons…

but they never checking on them
and you read the signs…

decipher them inside your songs
they only see wrongs
they all did you wrong
I don’t know how you stayed strong
I don’t know how you stayed strong…

well you had some friends..

that acted like family when family ain’t there,

and you know that’s rare…

your pain that they share
they showed you they care
you never complained, they know life ain’t fair
and you was embarrassed–

but they told you cherish
the things you inherit
cuz it gave your talent and passion some merit

you had to climb up out the cem-e-tary
the cross that you bared
inside the pen that you carried
in the pen-e-ten-ti-ar-y
you had a light that they told you don’t bury
believed and envisioned, you a visionary
but sometimes those visions get scary…

cuz sometimes it’s too hard to carry
sometimes it’s too hard and heavy

feel like I’m at the bottom, even when I’m at the top
well everything don’t mix
I got so much left to prove, that’s why I can never stop
cuz everything ain’t fixed
and ignorance ain’t bliss…

I tried calling myself an activist
but that is a process
a process of enduring more than just your own pain
but managing the pain of others
making it harder to deal with your own problems
I forgot about all the breakdowns and failures on the way
I believed I went through it all, so what could be worse
but it is the steady longsuffering that you sign up for
the energies that you absorb as your own
the radar and target that you place upon yourself
the many obstacles and obstructions that come at you
the people in power that want to silence you
the ones that want to keep everything the same by any means necessary
I forgot about this
I forgot about having to make decisions not only for myself,
but for my sons,
for my support system and partners
and for the people behind the walls
there is no real peace
peace has to be found inside the work
contentment has to be salvaged and honed in the process of it all
you have to be the person bigger than everyone that wants to make you smaller
you can’t slip up and have human moments
you must be as perfect as you can be
I get it LeBron James
Colin Kaepernick
Ruth ‘kiki’ Bader-Ginsburg
Martin Luther King Jr
Malcolm X
Muhammed Ali
Billie Jean King
and the too many to name others
because if I mess up
it’s not only me that takes the hit
if I mess up, we all mess up
the message gets messed up
but it doesn’t stop here, ima bang my head
and keep banging it until there is nothing left to bang against
then I’ll turn around and say, “come, follow, and let’s lead together”
and we’ll look forth to more barriers to break down, together
but for now, I will take the hits and the brunt of it all
just like the many before me
because it’s never easy learning to speak and live for more than just yourself