I ask you
can education be traumatizing?
can the very act of learning,
absorbing
engulfing
inquiring
acquiring
be
traumatizing?
I ask you
can you forget about a scar
deep wound
calloused scar tissue
hardened
beneath surface
submerged
can you forget of a wound endured years ago because it is out of sight
blind
invisible
disappeared
covered
hidden
can the learning or remembering of a scar-
recollection
recall
revisiting-
cause you pain once you are again aware
awakened
alerted
conscious
and what of the adrenaline that sends cortisol levels spiking through the roof
hindering your receptors for pain
numb
ice
without feeling
automaton
and when the dust settles
and your adrenaline wears out
you realize that you have a gaping wound
and your brain reacts, telling you to hurt
well this is the traumatized mind
when life is on autopilot, coping throughout constant fight or flight
it never gets out of its limbic system
so the prefrontal cortex never gets its time in the light to blossom its emotional capacity
and when one finally can get to a quasi-state of peace or rest
deciding to use the time to study, learn, educate one’s self
yet all they see is traumatic images and tales, that is their history
things they never understood but have now currently associated with their life,
making sense of what was once senseless and void
the shock that it causes
the messages that it sends that says
this isn’t right
this hurts
I feel bad
this is painful!
and there is a decision to be made from that point on
either
keep learning until it hurts no more and you find a cure
or
stop the hurt because you’ve made a life of blocking out all the excessive pain that overwhelms you already as it is
you’ve developed a system of denial by ignorance
and life feels better this way
you can’t change what is
but you can change how you feel and how it affects you
though the life implications are obvious
perpetual numbness
and
your situation being forever unchanged
or
perpetual new pain with each new revelation
and
so on and forth
when you can not know where you are going
unless you know where you have been-
history
yet looking back on where you have been is too painful-
trauma
so you avoid your tracks
then you become
and remain
one of a few things-
you choose-
lost
invisible
covered
hidden
calloused scar tissue beneath the surface
submerged
cold
frozen
numb
a scar forgotten
because it’s just better to not remember
life is easier that way
besides, somehow, remembering your wounds
is more uncomfortable for the ones that caused it
or
those closest to you who just don’t have the time of day,
to care
sympathy
empathy
compassion
so keep it inside
and mask your outside
let your guise, become a constant disguise
because bandaids don’t fit your cause
and gauze
can’t cover, all your scars