I was somebody capable of being loved before I became inmate, walk down this love lane-guage with me , as I speak to you about falling…or re-falling in love as an inmate. Its not the same as prison love, I’ll explain that concept another day, but right now let me tell you about a date I have. Yes, we can have dates in prison, we aren’t primitive! So this person is great. They are young imaginative passionate talented energetic vibrant athletic smart innocent kind of rough around the edges and high maintenance but that strong will and mind only breeds their pure love. They kinda remind me of myself, I guess its why I love them so much. Yes I said love, again I’m in prison, I’m not primitive! Sheesh! But its real love, biological in depth so to speak, cosmic and purposeful. Nothing in the world could have stopped this love from blossoming and us two finally meeting, let alone inhabiting this planet at the same time, it was meant to be I guess is what I’m getting at. I’m nervous, because they only know me over phone calls, letters, and videos…what if in person I’m not liked as much? Things can always be awkward and either be for the better or worse when you finally meet. Today will be the decider of that fate I guess. When I first heard them get all bashful and happy but also nervous when speaking of finally coming to see me, it warmed my heart and calmed my nerves a bit. I haven’t dealt with much outside of this prison life when it comes to meeting people on the outside, I’ve been locked up the whole time we’ve known of each other. Ah! And what about the first hug and kiss?! I’ve ironed my clothes, but I sprained my ankle playing football yesterday so I’ve been healing it because first impressions are lasting and I don’t want them to see me in a weakened state, so I’ve iced my ankle and kept it elevated and rotating it all night! Forcing myself to walk straight and strong through this pain all morning. I stayed away from working out and people so I couldn’t get any surprise sicknesses or injuries and that is exactly what happened when I played our game, oh well, nothing planned stays perfect. But the day is finally here, you all don’t know what I’ve been through to get to this day. The sacrifices I’ve made, the trauma I’ve fought, the ways I had to adapt and evolve in order to survive this land of violence and misery. I used to wonder if this day would ever happen, let alone if I’d get out in tact to be with them. I’ve protected my life an few times with them on my mind, willing myself to not be beaten, and on the other end willing myself to not give in to venting my frustration violently and staying positive, so I couldn’t ruin this fateful reunion. I’ve been scared through it all I admit, but not a coward, I embrace my own actions and reactions. Now I write to an audience and can share this great moment with you, I’m not polyamorous or unfaithful, but there’s two loves I want to meet, these loves you embrace and don’t appraise one over the other, but I can only have one for now and this isn’t settling so I’m just as enthused, because everything comes within time. I’ve seated on both of them with this time away but I’m paying that forward, my mission is my penance so to speak. So here we go, two hours away,..I will fill yaw in on how it went, maybe I’ll tell you who it is also..
ahh! and here we are, I hate cliff hangers…on the edge of my bed during lockdown for count and it is approx 53 minutes til visits start. A million things flying through my head, but mostly hoping for no difficulties with the staff that may ruin the visit…anything but that!
Well of course there were problems but I won’t dampen the mood speaking of those details, I also won’t kiss and tell, maybe details for another day, but all I can say is that long lost and long distance love is all its cracked up to be! We were just perfectly meshed…I guess I’ll let you in on their name…Treyvan, it was my youngest son! The best day I had in over half a decade!
The way we talked laughed cuddled fought joked and danced, oh I swear he can really dance! The saddest part was seeing his heavy head clutching onto the pics we took together as it was time to go, it went from not thinking I’d see him, to not believing he’d stay the whole time, to him not wanting to leave me. Every good love story has tears at the ending, I shed one I admit, but to see the crowd of people waiting to see the pics and hear about my time with him was a beautiful show of community love here in prison! And to my bro Nate, thanks for taking the time and sharing that moment with me.
Nothing else mattered every second I held him, those moments I wasn’t a felon or a inmate anymore, I was a father with a son that met him for the firs time and loved him without conditions. I guess that’s the picture often forgotten when all you know and see in someone is the display of them in their worst moment latched with a title and cause, while presented with a number and a facial photo crop. Today, I was a person again, and a child will never let you forget what real love feels like before we get older and jaded by opinions prejudices statistics stereotypes having to qualify love instead of quantifying it. Everything I’ve been through to get to this day, has paid off and was worth it. Today, his mother showed me the depth of forgiveness and parenting for the good of a child not self, the way she went out of her way is more than I can ask, everything takes time, she’s not late, she did it exactly when it needed to be done and that’s when she felt ready and comfortable, so thank you Liss. This isn’t to shame any of you out there that may hesitate bringing your child into a prison, comfortability isn’t manifested overnight, but just know that the effort, whatever that effort is, is what really counts. So, uh, it may take time but I’m willing to make this work, so whenever he’s ready, I’m up for a second date, love at first sight just isn’t so cliché as I thought!
Spirit
Roe V. Wade
I’m not a religious cynic, I’m just a religion critic
my beliefs first, I believe in a just god that loves and forgives me with divine justice as long as I am truly repented
but let me get back to my point for a minute
now I’m not scorning everyone who identifies with a religion or those whom are religious
because it’s just some not all that uses divine wisdoms
as cultural, gender-biased, and societal prisons
and for their greater good it blinds many of its citizens
some just follow unquestioningly Orthodox values and are truly innocent
but all sects and teachings speak a unified notion that all humans are flawed, so we can’t be that naïve that some orthodoxies come without agendas
hmm, women, let’s say for instance
at one point in time the were heralded as equals to men and reigned in matriarchy and other high positions
there is a reason I’m getting to, just let me finish my sentence
influence became synonymous with conquerors of the times spoils of war necessitated a common interdependence
men were on a mission to conquer and rename all within their image
and that came at the generational cost of a woman’s position and opinion becoming one mainly of catching up, silence, and submission
Man and Woman, of equal parts, yet a symbolism of division or sexual tension
now we’re on track, this is what I really wanted to mention
name a part of a man that is a matter of law or in need of permission controlled by a government, religion, or societal vision
outside of, of course, his circumcision
I’ll give you a minute…
I have a mother, a sister, a bestfriend, maybe a daughter one day and a woman that I will love one day
and they’ve been controlled and marginalized enough and I rather they only concede to God or fate
not by androcentric men heading each state
fighting to outlaw Roe V Wade
let me get of rhyme for a moment…
how can a woman’s choice and body be controlled by patriarchic religions and governments?
how can’t she be handled with the dignity respect love and care that is needed in her bearing that biological responsibility of bringing forth life?
shouldn’t life be cared enough about as to not just be thrusted into this wayward world without the necessary preparation and readiness?
what about her physical and mental state, the situation and cause? all of this matters, only she should be able to make that call.
after all she has to live with it
its her life that becomes limited
its her body that stretches and may wear
because during and after carry a child that society laws have may have made her bear
this is just another ploy to keep women out of the workforce and from gaining ground in society
if you pay attention, most men’s worst fear is a woman’s notoriety
obviously I agree to a certain degree in regards to tri-mester
but let someone I love be raped, taken advantage of, abandoned, or molested
and the world turns their back and the country she lives in won’t protect her
I know first hand- because I’ve been on the worst end- with a girlfriend- with a forced hand- to abort then- because not having a black baby in their family to her parents was more important- than the life of another person- even though we both weren’t ready to take care of a life together
I hated it, but even in retrospect, that was their families mutual consented decision
freedom comes in free choice, not choice with provisions
we’ve all played apart in silencing our women
even some women have done so, doing of coarse unknowingly, in order to distinguish themselves and gain position
us men must speak up against this gender based inquisition
which is playing out politically with the supreme court confirmation of Judge Kavanaugh in front of the senate on our television
this may not affect you now but it may in the distance, so it must be championed as a human cause, not political gain or loss because of religious laws, and make this mission.. more than just another submissive penetrative position
Dear Josiah
Dear Josiah,
This will be a first of many letters I write. Truth is, I’ve always thought of writing a book of letters to you, and even recently my best friend, who is your Aunt Katie, advised me to write letters to you and send them to her and she’d keep them until you were ready to read them. So years ago and recently I’ve tried, it’s no great excuse but I’d get too emotional somehow, and my hand would tighten and start shaking. I couldn’t write a sentence! Here is where technology plays in, I guess it’s easier to type away, ironically the thing that keeps people at distance is what I’m using to hopefully bring you close again. Even now it’s hard, I finally got pictures of you after all these years…and my head screamed the same thing yours would if you saw me…”Who are you?!” I last remember a baby I used to feed, change, nap and shower with, a baby I watched born at 8lbs 5.8oz (which is incredible on my part because your father is hardcore yet squeamish) and now you are tall and grown, taking selfies in the mirror looking every bit like your mom. I can’t even see myself in you, I don’t know if it’s shame or guilt that blinds me and refuses to let me see myself in you. After all, it’s been your mother that’s been there the whole time. I lost myself and flew down the drain quickly after her and I split, I didn’t deal with my hurt well and it made me into a bad guy for awhile. You are my greatest regret from my greatest moment once upon a time at your birth. I want to tell you how much I love you, but what would that mean to you right now? I want to tell you that I am really a good man although I admitted that I became bad at one time, but how can you even fathom any good? I heard a quote and I asked the question with a twist, “if a man can become a monster, can that monster become a man again?” For so long I couldn’t see how or believe it, but often we are our own worst enemy and critic. I want to say that you got your athleticism and intellect from me, but you wouldn’t know that either? I see your mother’s smile, that smile that use to drive me crazy. How do I say when, where and why things went wrong? I can say it’s my fault. But what would sorry mean to you if you have a whole life without my presence, you don’t even know if you really are missing anything. I will say that there is so much to say, and this is the start of a series. I’m going to open up and tell you everything about me and my every mistake, your mom was perfect, and as for the blame, I will bear, without regret, on my shoulders…your dad is beasty strong too. What I will tell you is that you have a younger brother that doesn’t know about you yet, but one day when the timing is right, (I wish that was now because I shouldn’t be another reason for anything withheld in your life). He’s a ball of fire, and I know he’d look up to you because the young man I’ve heard about is nothing short of amazing. Baseball is all you, I never played it but your little brother Treyvan just started. He is 6. What I will tell you is I have fought to become a better man and I will succeed because you deserve a great father once I am able to come back into your life. I feel I don’t deserve a chance, but I will fight in every way that you can’t see now, but that will manifest one day within you. I won’t just be a father that’s been to prison, I will be a great example, a patient, humble, encouraging and loving father able to provide from doing what I love, because no matter the mistake, if you believe, and have the right people in your corner, you can do anything. So with that said, you have an Aunt to meet that has been in my corner and helped me want more and see myself beyond my past and as she knew me to be. But that’s in another chapter. I’m not a traditional type of person, I write as I feel although I’m organized, so I hope you take this rollercoaster ride with me. I’m tough but I’m a sucker for a love story, so I got this idea from the notebook. You are the love that I hope against all odds comes back to me one day, if not for love right away, then for answers. Finally…I can breathe, though my chest is tight and I may still tear up looking at your pics. I could go on but I’m going to restrain myself and do this step by step. I’ve given you one goodbye that lasted so many years, but never again, I will say goodbye many times because I’ll be coming right back many more. Goodbye Josiah, I love you
Sincerely,
Your Father
Russell H. Wardlow
p.s. I hope you don’t mind if I share my letters to you, it’s how I heal and stay open and honest. I’ve hid long enough, truth is for the light son.
Questioned
Maybe I ask questions because I’m questioned
maybe I ask because I question being sequestered within a quotient
maybe I ask because some pleas and bargains just aren’t worth quoting
maybe I ask questions within this quotient because legislative quotes deem me as quota
when will my opinion count
when will I be heard
when will I be more than count
living inside of this herd
how can I live to take power from words
when now I live to empower through words
how can I live up, yet kicked down
how can I not give up once let down
how can I impress when compressed, I’m depressed
how can I impress when depressed living suppressed in pursuit of success under a title that sees me as much less yet still striving through too much stress
where was I going with this? so many questions only exist because most answers never satisfy
so many answers only commit to temporarily gratify
is my voice any lesser because I exist inside of my wrongs
is my voice any more impactful for those that long packed away their past
is my voice any more aggressive for those too passive to feel strong
is my voice any less absent since I’m just a post away from being in the past
I live in distance with the promising hope of love
I live caged in yet my promise only peeked hope from me opening up
I live in the connections garnered as a con, so my fall is a pro
maybe you can live more in your pains because in them we’re learning to grow
you can find that the answers are in the questions you ask
questioning instead of accepting helps you become more than a past, the past, and your past
and with that, my last question asked
when will I start seeing my wounds as just scars, and not what I feel you see them as (a large gaping gash)
Prose: creation
Taboo, just because me and my sons’ mothers aren’t together doesn’t mean I can’t have a great open committed friendship for the respect of each other and the good of our kids right?! I want that more than anything. Why do people frown on that and act like all breakups or unexpected outcomes spell a permanent dysfunction? Shit just doesn’t workout at times, but you can’t forget the kids feelings, right? Because they feel more than they know how to communicate. So that’s my goal, to be a great and supportive friend of my sons’ mothers, maybe we all can come together one day for the sake of our sons. I think it can happen, I’ve seen it. I’m absent but no dead beat, many parents should seek mutual reconciliation with each other and get out of their own way and feelings because it may stunt the child’s growth. All situations are different and take more or less trial and error. There is no right or wrong way as long as you try and make a way.
Help A Father Out:
I called late to talk with my Son, he was already in bed, I asked him to sing to me before he went to sleep after I heard his cute lil yawn. He started singing the whole stanky leg song, we were laughing and I started singing with him, we was grooving together! But on a somber note, before that he told me he went to the zoo. He said he went with his whole family, and he started naming them..”my grandma, my aunt, my uncle, my cousin, my mom, my baby brother, but not you, awww” he sounded so sad after noticing for the first time that I wasn’t there but everyone else was. Still, that sad ‘aww’ echoes in my ear like every time he says “hi daddy!” when he gets on the phone. His name is Treyvan, he turns 6 August 15th! Sadly I also missed my other son Josiah’s birthday May 12th and he turned 9! My two favorite and saddest days. So can I ask a favor? If you happen to read this post, can you help me out for his bday and send happy bday wishes letting him know his father loves him, so he can get online and read all the attention/love?! Maybe he can feel his father’s love more that way because I can’t do much but I try, it’s the thought right? Also if y’all can shout out his Mom for even allowing me in his life, because it adds a lot more pressure on mothers. Thank you, even one is enough.