Mercy

even in relationships
friendships sparked
a connective camaraderie forged in the fire of external forces molding the new union framed by familiar experience and circumstance, making stainless steel of fraternal bonds
that have now become cemented in stone like the Sword of Excalibur
and only those who are worthy could ever pull from its reservoir
but this is a higher form of pending dependency
having someone, turning into needing someone, turning into needing something
where the nuance of fragility and shame can fatally determine the cohesiveness of longevity, shared between you and someone, or something
setting a ship to sail the tumultuous waves of the sea where sunken ships, have, by way of currents, long given up on dreams of docking landmass and so they cling to rock bottom
as if disaster has now become common place, a new home of sorts, where existence barely survives

and I said to him
but that’s relationships
sometimes you gotta hurt feelings, to heal hearts

because a heart
even the biggest kind of heart that rivals the size of a hot air balloon can equally be debilitating
it can be crippling
it can handicap you, and them
because it is empowering, emboldening, influencing, and enabling
towards the wrong direction
because of the confliction
of decisions
with the intent of good intentions
which by default grant permission
in the occasion of afflictions
imprisoned by addictions

that act as prescriptions
decrypted with small imprints and printed inscriptions
and let respite, rest, relief, rescue, remedy, and escape be a few of its plenty descriptions
which grips the attention with tension, until you are tense and suspended
symptoms-
reality insurrected by delusionary and guilty remnants, from chemical films and pulpy residue that sentences the senses to narcoma prisons
this is a mental limbo and an emotional linchpin
that they drift and exist in
a conviction, free from eviction
because all is done to make due by rents end
even before they make rent, tell me how that make sense
so when they ask for something
it peaks your antennas, because we all have agendas
and can become good pretenders
contending for favored endings
and their intent is always tented
entrenched in, the trenches of entrenchments
riding the highs into a spiritual transit
that transmits
transfers
of trance states
which damage,
vision and proper perspective vantage
dementia experienced from delirium
by extensive intense instances
of accelerated dopamine surges that converge into functionary impotence
stuttered steps, stuck, uttering garbled sentences
all because you couldn’t break a heart, to mend a heart

the contradiction of needed contradictions
in order to take the lesser of two evils and consequences
and your permission, your assent becomes consent
because you feel bad
because you feel responsible
you feel guilty, because you also feel empty
so you get it, you feel them
in more ways than one, you are them
now don’t forget I’m talking about addiction
we all have one or some
it comes in many forms
so you act as you would want to be acted towards
and you would want understanding
you would want patience and help
though you have no real clue how to help yourself, so how can you even possibly know how to help someone else
and it all results in one of a few actions
split into factions of half fractioned and half fractured satisfaction
from the reward of fatal attraction
so you either project onto them by way of judgment
or you discard and avoid them by way of distance
or you relent and enable them by way of giving into exactly what they ask for
but since it’s on your terms, you make sense of it
you’re in control, so it’s different
you offer instructions and believe you are doing something right
and they say “oh thank you, thank you” and give you all these praises, phrases and promises that they plan to keep
because in their moment of need, ironically their dependent mind is at its clearest
without the dosage of varied drugged osmosis and symbiosis of parasitic hosts until they’re comatose, shells of themselves or ghosts
and at this moment the crippling grippers are free from their system
so they sound very reassuring, convincing you in every way that they know how
because they too believe they have control and don’t want to admit
that they are an addict
and you don’t believe them, but you pity them like you pity yourself
so you hope…but that hope has no confidence
like your own lacking
you see, looking at addicts is hard because they resemble broken parts of us that we hide beneath surface, feeling like any more tugging this or that way from life could be the last push into oblivion and beyond
and we wanna try to save them, but we don’t see ourselves with capes when we gaze and stray from the mirror before we see any deeper than we wish to realize
instead, we see ourselves on a leash
and how can a dog on a leash, bark at another dog off of theirs, and tell them to come back, hook yourself back in
I know you’ve lost your mind but mind is master
freedom is too much for you, get back here with me, just like me, because you can’t handle it
restrain yourself
contain yourself
refrain yourself
until you can regain, retrain yourself
embrace the pain and shame of self
until you’ve drained yourself
stare blankly at your veins, you and your vane self
or
wake up the next day bravely, accept wherever you’ve stained yourself
campaign your self

I honestly don’t even know how I was planning to end this
addiction seems endless
this is a rollercoaster
I can’t architect the twists and turns
I can only ride or watch as they are being ridden
and I know attempting to help a friend or family that is rooted in addiction is a long road
truth has to speak boldly to save a life
I just wanted you to know that it’s never just one person that you are saving
if by some measure you embrace that, save yourself as well
then you will save lives

sometimes you gotta hurt feelings, to heal hearts