Prose of a Con

Poetry and Prose by Russell Wardlow

Inside

Why is Believing in Self So Hard?

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Why is believing in self so hard?

People seem scared of the responsibility of choice

I mean that kind of choice where there are consequences that can’t be blamed on anyone but yourself

People seem safer in their blame bubbles

believing in themselves so flawed that the suppression of self can be their ONLY hope at salvation

Since when did suppression mean freedom

When did suppression mean a fuller life

When did suppression become a means for judgement

When did suppression become a place of separation

Suppression is another prison we’ve created within our lives

Sow scary is it to know in yourself More

To know in yourself that source and light of God’s perfection and love

but still unable to deal with your own self

battling fear, pain, self consciousness, ego, forgiveness, animosity, desires, urges, delusions, confusion, guilt

How many titles and labels have done nothing but serve as more sanctions and prisons

No wonder we’re so in love with sending masses off to prison

it’s like a deflection from self judgement of personal guilt

instead of peering into a mirror, you turn from it

then build prisons feeling more safe offering judgement than love

scared of self reflection

irony- reflection has become prison.

In This Jungle

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There are lions in this jungle

dogs, snakes, alphas, apex predators, gorillas titans and hybrids in this jungle

coded consensus, since senses are heightened in this jungle

there’s no crying in this jungle

there are liars but don’t be caught lying in this jungle

you can’t close your eyes, they better not see your eyelids in this jungle

they hunting, they coming, they lunging for lunches you can’t run, the chase is fun, don’t be caught by surprise in this jungle

you can’t be nice, that’s too high a price, no rolling the dice in this jungle

there’s even cats, rats, and mice in this struggle, trying to get a slice in this jungle

riots defiant alliances tied to vices and violence fighting despite the time spent, shhh, is the code of silence in this jungle

there’s no violin in this jungle

you cant hide in this jungle

there’s even alotta pride inside because daylight looks like night and you can’t see how to get to the other side from this jungle

there’s even solitary tunnels where misery funnels in this jungle

some men try but some men die, strength you summon, comes in, no abundance but bundles in every size in this jungle

you may get life or lose your life in this jungle

survival in the wild, despite your will, wield you a knife in this jungle

before you get left, protect your right, you’re wrong even if you’re right, so you can’t try to be right in this jungle

debates are preludes to cage fights, verbal mental and physical displays of might in this jungle religion is a cop out, and if you ever show emotion…goodbye, goodnight in this jungle my only respite is when I write in this jungle

Hope I can catch up to my letters and see you on the other side of this jungle.

Escape Into Prison

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Could I dream that I escaped into prison?

its how I feel every time you don’t listen

could I dream that I escaped into prison?

its not like the world ever pays me attention

Could I dream that I escaped into prison?

scared of the ridicule from making my own decisions

could I dream that I escaped into prison?

it seems like my happiness only comes with someone else’s permission

Could I dream that I escaped into prison?

my licence suspended, from trying to turn ‘right’ around ending in a collision

could I dream that I escaped into prison?

after all my life is forever guided by everyone else’s opinions

Could I dream that I escaped into prison?

I knocked on the doors of loved ones for help and they eyed and asked, “who is it?”

could I dream that I escaped into prison?

freedom has been prison anyway, so tell me what’s the difference

Could I dream that I escaped into prison?

let you tell it, I’m in a worst position, so why do you keep bitchin?

I dreamt that I escaped into prison,

at least I built this prison on my own terms and unlike you I brought my dream into fruition!

Damn, but this is still prison

barbed fences, distance

needing permission

and nobody listens!

Lemme out!

Live Yours

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We all crave to be on top instead of below or on the side which we deem as a consequence

but every topping is still a side, like condiments

we can’t keep measuring our lives to someone else’s accomplishments

the standard is you, besides whose to say in your life those things would be considered accomplishments

take pride in your individuality, don’t flock to a common sense

because if you never agree with the consensus and yet you still put up, those are hard blows to your confidence

we all have our own paths and our own struggles

so why would you base your life on the model of someone else while still, being plagued by your own troubles

see, there’s one Russell…even though there’s more than one Russell

when leaves die, they rustle

when feathers don’t flock together, they ruffle

when life puts you in a corner, you rumble

when I say Young Russ, that’s us!-Young in Spirit, Resilient Under Stressful Situations-that’s not just Russell

But I seek to Rise Under Soulful Soil Eternally Living Liberated

That’s Russell, not anyone else that I view at a distance

see, there’s more than one Russell, the next one may stand for something completely different so if we have the same name, then what makes the difference?

experience…is the only real description

what I’m saying is, no one else’s experiences can make you, and your name doesn’t make you but you make your name and create the destination to where each experience may take you we all may have a different God that we pray to

but prayer in all religions still wield the same prelude

looking for an answer, looking for some help

looking in the mirror not reflecting but looking for yourself

looking for forgiveness or looking for some stealth

looking for attention, and looking for some wealth

looking for some love, but you can’t love yourself

so you pray for others more because you place Your value in everyone else

but you think what you being is unique, you real huh

that’s why you celebrate the reason why you or your homies can get killed huh

you got the formula, you grown beyond that enfamil huh

you scared to be yourself, your hood ain’t just a family, its ya shield huh

you probably still get offended when you hear something real huh

if it don’t match with how you view your lies and how you feel huh you

acting like you don’t feel huh you still sticking to the same code that made him squeal and him take a deal huh

acting as if you was just clapping to get a meal and pay ya bills huh

get a grill, you think you concealed so you conceal huh

but those straps became embodiments of how you really feel huh

lost and lonely, scared and only living for the appeal so you pop a pill squeeze the peel then peel huh

you admire athletes so you run the streets like its the field

huh even Kaepernick had to lift the curtain on what was real, so he kneeled, you’d die before you’d take a knee, and that’s why these cops is upping they kills huh

you say you don’t shit where you eat, but what you call home is the kill zone, but you harder than steel huh?

you stand as a man a part, but you been following ever since you joined

say you following your heart, but you’re led by a corrupted mind and your groin

I know you loyal, crazy and insane

so you might get right back out and do the same damn thing

then wonder why, you thought you got smarter but nothing has changed

in the end, you can’t put it on anyone else, following suit instead of experiencing your own lane damn, aint that a shame

all that idolizing and only yourself to blame

I’m Just Being Honest

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I’m just being honest tho honestly all honesty isn’t truth

its just what I see from my point of view

its just things I tend to make up

but how can I read a face thru disguises or makeup

I try not to run like your features peering thru wet glass or makeup

cuz those moments I stay we have a break thru and the best make up

diatribes that turn to dialogue, we mesh up

look we human we both messed up

my motto everything isn’t tomato tomato and if u make it to tomorrow then respect the past, or it’ll all catch up

there’s alotta broken promises bridges trusts and relationships I have to hash up

but today its seems people can just move forward with a hashtag

so I wonder if its even worth directly confronting those past issues because the world is moving that fast

beyond the old things that the farthest thing behind, that may serve to remind of any moment

in time is a back pack

holding tested knowledge and lessons learned now they can learn on the go so they may not be doing that bad

or maybe I shouldn’t judge the surface and assume pain lurks deep beneath hidden like it does with me

I can see the fracture, it resembles the same inconsistent way people call themselves getting in touch with me

going back and forth reaching out acting as if I need their company

when in reality they need some from me

you can never fabricate the wrinkles in every piece of fabric, the irony

is that you can see clearly when you step back taking your feelings out of it entirely

realizing you’re in prison but you’re not the only one stuck in the same place going thru pain stunted growth not growth spurts

feel worse in the cold burr

of the night winds dealing with pride stuck in your molar

the wisdom in u is facing the fact that your soul hearts

eclipsed from being able to see why or even look at any reflection of the truth flared like its solar

tho you struggle with your girls or your guys, with the guise of being the one soul that’s supposed to console cuz all u know and your known as an ex-trovert

but any peace of mind is borrowed cuz internally u feel like a lon-er

fixing everything but yourself cuz misery loves company but company continues to get closer and those around u start picking up on the fact that your in need of some kind of closure but u don’t want to expose your

hand, so u fade to the background making up excuses to resist any further exposure

they call and pry while u deny trying to rely on stealthy composure

here it is so many years later and nothing has changed besides the morbid fact of u getting older

and your head hangs lower

eye bags, starring into your iphone or ipad-

and your back has a bulge as u try not to divulge your load within your posture but you’ve been

carrying like a boat, a bulk of baggage upon your shoulders

every pebble you’ve kicked and rock u thrown molded into a bolder

now there’s nothing light enough left around for u to disregard so evading tactics are becoming bolder

u don’t realize that this is the byproduct of dealing with the symptoms and not diagnosing the root

suddenly u respond to every question asked as if every finger is pointed at u and u start spilling things out that u know is just bullshit from a secluded deluded and jaded point of view

then u call it being honest, tho honestly all honesty isn’t truth

looking back at my past

it seems u will never forgive me, cuz u can’t get beyond all that

I swallow my pride, tall glass

u only remember the bad like there was never no good, frequently missing calls whenever I dial

your number, I question if I should cal back

tell me what do u call that

u said u was riding, but now u don’t know where u going u say u just want your car with the onstar back

I get it, I know that its hard but I was hoping you’d hang on like a guitar strap

crypted messages when I tell u I love u instead of saying it upfront, I was merely protecting myself but I know I regret it but I hope u understand, I hope u get it, I’m indebted but I hope u forgive all that

I try and try to tell u I’m sorry, but u never pay attention

never stay and listen

yet forever stray and mention

my mistakes and only state dissention

only make decisions

that u believe will keep u safer, with me staying at a distance

but all your relationships end the same so tell me what’s the difference

pain cures cuz love heals, becuz love reveals what pain conceals so u know pain cuz u know love

but right now u not given up no love

I say I’m not given up, to only receive a response within your cold shrugs

wit a big chip on your shoulders, come on grow up

we grown up

we both got pride, po’ up

how can we say anything but goodbye, showing me your back like centers trying to post up

u play me to your walls like a poster

I try to create a space for us to sit down like a coaster

because standing firm keeps us from getting closer

keeps us from getting closure

we only getting colder

we argue religiously like its kosher

like its our culture

full-disclosure

the more we fight the more it feels like your walls open

like nostrils over a cup of folgers

I wonder if u ever notice

I feel u testing my limits, although pushing creates resistance, these intense moments mirror Your selfies, u seem more in focus

and I’m working on trying to be more present

its just that we teeter on the edge kickin our feet like we seated on the bottom of the moons crescent

and while we’re up here and on edge, I guess its still a beautiful view

I think u like the excitement in fighting, inside u are a titan plus your furrowed eyebrows look beautiful two

its hard to hate u when your’re angry

because its as if I’m observing a Renaissance painting

I’m learning more the more we rendezvous, a natural renegade feigning

a reluctance to the energy spent in love yet u get off from complaining

I see clearly now that that’s your love language

a foreshadowing show of your barriers fading

ridiculing my past was a mask for the fear of the future we’re facing

You never imagined yours being coupled with another, sometimes I wonder how u never cease to amaze me

my 4 seasons for a reason becuz you always change me

Black Man with White Confidence

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Black man with white confidence

black man with white competence

black man with white common sense

Black man with white consonance

Black man on a white continent

black man with black consciousness

black man with white accomplishments

black life like condiments

on a white plate with corporate ambiance

I think I need to change my audience

maybe too much slang in my audio

I dream too much about an Audi tho

now u see me, then Adios

pick a different topic Russ

nope, I rather ruffle feathers

the audacity of being bold and black

especially because I’m a felon

I’m best friends wit the best white people

my other friends don’t understand white people

I got white friends that think black is swag

ignorance is bliss, imagine that

I been living two different lives

I been looking with two different eyes

both sons half me and white

so I’m still scared if they seem them lights

pause a moment for tamir rice

past traumas, can’t sleep at night

all I seen I can’t unsee

I used to never know the magnitude

of how I looked from other people looking at me

but I had to change my attitude

cuz I learned that there are always people looking at me

I got a voice, and now I’m trying to use it

because if I stay silent then I am useless

and theres no difference between white and black

but fear keeps us too ignorant from analyzing that

–

I always been an activist at heart, like a starter kit

rebel like I’m Spartacus

fingers touch my palm and wrist

cuz I only used to ball my fist

wasn’t much for politics

until I seen the parlor tricks

then I seen the Moses side, had to find my part in it

I was living subsidized, in and out apartments

in need of escape so I saw with Harriet Tubman eyes, but conquered by these parliaments

life blows had me pulverized, but I’m still defying Parkinsons

crack my knuckles, arthritis, damaging my cartilage

kill dreams and take my rights, maybe whispered in their caucuses and now I have sons to rise

pray they wont be carcasses from the cough of a cops cartridges

–

Prison made me prejudice

but my best friends and support system are mostly white, even my sons mothers but prison made me prejudice

try putting a curmudgeon of different crimes, cultures, colors and contain them in

one circumference forcing them to be cordial with each other

yea prison made prejudice

because I not only have to pay attention to materials but physical colors and

customs combined with cordoned off corners and coordinated politics enforced

with a communal consequence

I swear prison made me prejudice

because I have to deal with the Mexicans that hate blacks behind their backs, the swastikas on white people worn as tats,

the fact that whites and Mexicans have a pact if there’s an attack, along with the staff that over reacts to areas with a mass of blacks so its common sense

that I can never let my guards down with any confidence

on the defensive is my regular state of consciousness

separated from society, with an endorsed separation from other cultures entirely, this double

jeopardy jeopardized me with consequences of my consequence

no lie, I feel prison made me prejudice

and even racist at times

with the disproportionate time-

given, with records that don’t qualify

that I can visually quantify

and seeing all these tattoos scribed

with white pride and brown pride

but if I venture to study my history and show black pride

it seems im outfitted with another crime

c.o.’s and administration, I feel as if they have ties

with the other sides

picking sides

because their methods of compromise

that somehow always ends up with black peoples demise

american history all over again, what a surprise

sinister systems synchronized

segregation optimized

slavery ended, so now prison lives aren’t sympathized

this is not statistical intel, this is something that you’d have to experience to describe

this is my life

if I had to pick a word to define

I’m institutionalized

inside of these institutional lies t

he things I go thru and witness with my own eyes

in the wrong area at the wrong time it would’ve costed my life

because everyone has a home they wanna get back to or this is their home so situations can quickly turn into me myself and I

these sides that are coerced to keep the prison running smoothly would say a few lives over many for the sake of control is a necessary sacrifice

yea I’m prejudice

its the only way I can survive

because in here when u look at me you starring at more than the color of my eyes

its better to be handicap than blind

besides trauma, losses, drama along with the many connotations subscribed, add a necessary prejudice and partial racism to the list of my titles after doing this time

on the bottom line

because I’ve lived as less of a person and more a subject subjected to bottom lines

ever since prison industries became private and monetized

and the healthcare commoditized

yea prison changes, it changed me

it infected my disconnection with gangrene

so all those things I had to cut off only served to further chain me

maybe more people should see that certain consequences perpetuate added consequences and they’d be more apt to change things

and less quicker to cage me

on a personal note, I still know more than a few good white people

though prison has me seeing them as white people

but I have black friends with different views because the truth is they never understood or seen good white people

so feel free to judge, but steer clear if we judge u back

prison changed and made me prejudice, socially I may be worse off, now imagine that