“when they go low, you go…” but drama gets rates, with a bottomless base, rallies claiming a dominant race, politics played, when columnist named, problems of the state, then splayed like columbine at their work place wait…”NRA shade” problem is, lobbyist pay, politicians that applaud communist for, compliments, now for, common sense- sacrifices made! increase the taxes on the lower classes wage, for the greater good of capitalism they sip lemonade-then limit aid in our community, presidential prejudice- partisan immunity, the ironic problem is- partisan is you and me, arguing about unity, wait! politics played, polygraph both parties in election year and tell me if the problem possibly is race!
Con-queR.U.S.S
They wanna conquer-us in prison
concede then submit any identity of self empowering visions
lets be honest, they want to control my conscience
label- eccentric cocky and confident because I’m conscious
which is a conflict of the content they illicitly solicit consent to constrict my competense in order to compliment their conquests of conquering my knowledge and commandeered accomplishments
wanting to admonish my responses abolish my promise then re-polish my silence and responsiveness
while staying dominant over my imprisonment and procedural processes ever since my processing
prison betters you.. promises, promises
promise promises problems and politics
imposed apostrophes on the end of any probable prominence
because from my ‘proseofacon’ they’ll applaud as a personal compliment
they wanna conqueR.U.S.S
Freedom is a SHE
She glistened
with crystal clarity
and glided
like sleet,
at the soles of her feet.
I looked her direction
she looked to me for directions
I shared my perspective
she glared for a second
my tongue swelled like a sponge full of water
I swallowed hard like a desperate throat in the desert
words in my mind splayed like spaghetti-O letters
I tried to connect them
I saw two consonants and one vowel
I panicked, hoping to leave a good impression
before she leaves her shoe print impressions
not being able to offer her more than what she was looking for
“Eyb!” is what I rushed out of my stammering lips
she looked at me,
dumbfounded
I realized my mistake, cleared the white noise in my head
and descrambled the letters and mustered a
“Bye”
but she had already turned
well within her definite gait,
I doubt she heard me as she walked away
but I heard her,
shoes clacking, as she closed the gate
FREEDOM,
she always looks so good up close,
even better farther away.
but she’ll be back…hopefully
Go(o)d Looking
“Go(o)d Looking”
I heard God was looking for me
I laughed
then retorted back,
“God created me right?
he knows where to find me.”
He put me in prison
I’m still here, even after I’ve repented
as far as I’m concerned, Good riddens
how can he lose sight of His children
especially me, I been through so much in plain sight, I was never hidden
isn’t he supposed to have this “all seeing” vision
now when I read the Bible, I feel like a critic
I don’t get it
questioning the credibility of every story that was written
and the reason why some just happen to be missin’
especially the mental state of the people that did it
calling themselves Catholics or Christians
different denominations?! I’ve been a denominator dominated because my skin is tinted
now I’m supposed to submit to His agenda
when I almost lost my life, where was His antennas?
where was he at every December on Christmas?
Christian Dior, or Christian Brothers, before I’m Christened or a Christian
and I’m the one that has to give forgiveness?
first He was vengeful, but “now” He “forgives” us?
for what? placing me in a pit of cobras spitting venom
its going on 7years in khaki’s, I missed the feel of denim
convenient, He’d be the reason for Good, and not the ‘evil’ sinners
bet if I listened to the New tes…damn, I wouldn’t be here to begin with
or maybe I would, I won’t lie, ever since I been in prison
I’ve been more willing
I was mad, I admit it
but cut off from distractions, I started building a friendship
that made an indent manifesting into a kinship
I wasn’t innocent
I was spiritually indigent
but I made amendments
I was conflicted
that got me convicted
but now I’m convinced with conviction
feeling of use, able to view the blueprint of what He has intended
call it purpose? In giving me all this pain upon my surface to contend with
with a cluster of talents perfectly blended
to talk with the next person that hears the name of God and gets offended
and tell them, hold up wait a minute
before you finish that sentence
God has been looking for you-
and though he can see you, he can’t find your heart if you keep it hidden
you’re not a victim
cut out the noise, and listen
and you’ll find that piece that leads to peace that you’ve been missin’
is key to your mission
now when God sees you, you’re in sync with His vision
and He doesn’t have to ask you, “who is it”
time isn’t your sentence
your pain isn’t your prison
it leads to your promise, purpose, and perdition
God offers a detour to every road driven
before your collision
but our own decisions are the very things blocking His vision
GOoD is Looking
Momma! You out now!
Momma you out now! I have a secret…I’ve always loved you, but have always been ashamed of you. Maybe it was since I’ve never been comfortable completely with myself and my story, then naturally, it was too hard to embrace your part in it when speaking to others. I mean how would I do that? Giving all that information of myself and you, yet feeling like I had nothing good enough to offer up about myself or you, unless someone knew me well, so I felt all I’d be doing is just giving people even more to see me as less. I felt toxic, broken, tainted,..no contagious, yea, I felt like knowing me and getting too close would infect people. And we all have enough that we regret and to be sad about right that? So why add my confusion on top? I always spoke of your love, never your past or your path, but of your passion. Your love was always like some kind of serum or elixir that I never understood but it was magnetic and I seemed that love, because I never found that type of heightened raw and boundless love. And so, its how I knew and learned how to love, by admiring yours from a distance and up close at those rare moments we were in each others lives, I always felt understood and accepted by you, like you knew a me that I hadn’t discovered or found worth in. The flaw in your love was that I tried even to this day to copy it and offer it to people that didn’t deserve that kind of love and all it did was serve to further break me down. Loving the wrong people does that..it was like a revolving circle, because your love broke me down too. Because I couldn’t have it as much as I needed it, so I chased it in women and friendships! I craved acceptance and boundless bonds, but most never understood my passion depth leaps and bounds, because most people never experienced raw love like that, but I did and I thank you for that, because I never questioned your love and how many can say that about anyone?! I know why and how I’m strong, because I am in awe of your strength fight and hope…just as people get confused by me, I used to get confused by how can you experience so much dark yet speak so much of light as if it was all going to be alright? It never made sense, but I always knew that there was always another level of contentment that I could aspire to even in the midst of my pain and darkness. Even the ways you’d speak of feeling when I was going through things, and I was, even denying it, it spooked me hearing how you knew. Being so distant yet you still were so connected to my heart and spirit. I never believed in things like that, but I used to pillow talk to my girlfriends about you like you were some kind of savant. I’m not proud to admit this, but there’s been times I’ve wanted to turn off the lights forever…even during this time, I guess I don’t speak of it a lot thinking I can always over power my experiences by wiping them from my memory but you always remember. Every time, date, admission and all as if it was some dark holiday and you’d give me this sense of everything will be alright, sometimes with and without all that cliché holy spiritual motivational talk, but mostly with your love language which I’m convinced is a language all on its own. Even now…mom, even now sometimes I wonder about the dark, but somehow through your darkest moments, you made it through. I vaguely remember these stories you tell me about how you used to talk to me when it was just you and I, a bond built from within your belly sitting beneath your broken heart, hearing its anxious rhythms I suppose kind of gave me an ear for the pain of others. There’s so much good that you have done that just can’t be seen and only is felt or maybe just heard, but how could I explain that? You’d sound like an alien, because connections love and perseverance like yours is sadly foreign. And all your mistakes were right thick on the surface, just as deep as everyone else, for all to see…so I figured that I’d just keep my personal business to myself. Even now I have that habit of controlling how much of my personal business is known, yet I can speak freely to everyone of their own situations. It just seems safer that way, not feeling like I may have to cringe expecting certain reactions if I ever spoke my whole truth, which at times I don’t even feel like I know. I’ve repressed so many things that I can’t stay present for one second without trying to make it to the next, not dealing became a way of life. And I put you in that “not dealing” category..it made sense to me, sometimes even now it still makes sense. I know I’m not the only one that hides, but the problem is that I’ve also hidden. Sometimes not even knowing how to show you affection up close from being so guarded internally for so long, even though I loved you, I guess I just didn’t know exactly how to be a son. Its something I’m getting used to, I felt more in control wanting to keep us at an even level as friends and preferring you just view me as a grown man, as if keeping emotions under control would keep things more clear and less messy. I struggle a lot with letting go of control of how much I let people get in, and what they know about me once they are in, and you shouldn’t be one of those people. And I’m sorry for that. The silly things we do to protect ourselves by keeping others at arms length, but how else do we survive. I never understood that I had been spending most of my life just surviving, staying closed off and being numb, only choosing to feel within fleeting moments of relationships to keep from losing another thing I had no idea how to keep since it wasn’t a thing to be controlled. But I guess the only way to change a pattern is to force yourself into the other direction. I found too many comforts in things that only hurt me in the long run, ironically, coping was also self defeating sometimes. But I’m end this by just saying that I love you #1, I’m proud of you and can’t wait to explore this new chapter. Your love strength and hope inspires me. |
Don’t give me your Sympathy
“don’t give me your sympathy”
I’ve never been one for sympathy
please, don’t give me your sympathy
shit, I barely hold together pieces of my fractured memory
meanwhile grasping for any semblance of an identity
at peace with me and emptiness manifesting so much symmetry
darkness lives deep with infamy
even now and back since infancy
hope vaguely scratched the surface like emery
love came and went with incandescent yet inconsistent energy
I’ve been chasing happiness that only fulfills me instantly
but its opposing force latched onto my soul like an entity
now loved ones turned to enemies
paranoia of possible enmity eerily nearing my vicinity
God give serenity!
insecurities veers me from your trinity
but at least I pray with sincerity
it’s just that this life came with a room full of consequential amenities
and all I’ve gotten for it is bear essential proclivities
with my conflicting affinities
spewing a slew of obscenities
because every bond came with a share of penalties
I never understood life period, until I got run-on sentences at my sentencing
I smiled at that rejection, I’ve grown accustomed to our synergy
a vacation away from expectations, that only ever hindered me
believing I needed to live up physically, jaded me mentally
and I found respite chasing my opposites, convinced it meant chemistry
because that’s where attraction lies right?
searching for life ironically resulted in me feeling like I’ve died twice
I can barely walk in my own shoes, that’s why I keep them tied tight
but objects in the mirror appear closer than they are, though in hindsight
it’s been years since I’ve been able to relax my eyesight
because enemies or my wretched past creep up from my blind side
reminiscing those moments I told the mirror that you may die tonight
by my own hands, or in the midst of a riot, or fight, in the line of fire, after past failures from trying the hype of my might
I’m a great thinker, but I never failed with these hands
forgetting its the fingers that build, but the mind that makes the plans
believing my body of work, and the body’s I hurt, is what made the man
then inside me had burst, so my mind put in work, which gave me a chance
to pick back up, and piece together those fractured bits of memory-
that I repressed from my surface and brought with me inside this penitentiary
building on those broken ‘periods’ in life that sentenced me, to this run-on sentencing
now through righting my wrongs, I heal while writing my poems, which led me to the rites I find scribed as my identity
naw, I never been one to ask for sympathy
but after living through all that I have, I count it a blessing being able to develop empathy
I have a savior I savor, so save your sinister sympathy
use it for someone worse off, I’m better now, and I rather take back power of, how you remember me
—
“no excuses”
I was abused, I became an abuser…no excuses
I was confused, and became a confusion…no excuses
I believed my delusions, and became an illusion…no excuses
I wasn’t included, and felt love was intrusive…no excuses
I couldn’t remain lucid, I felt I would lose it…no excuses
my pride cup half full, I remained drunkenly foolish…no excuses
I…fuck it, you get it right? No excuses!
—
“disciple”
I clinged to a, gang for survival
til I, became my survival
I was a, gangsta disciple
now my, gangsta’s discipled
by the, change I decided
I became the, change I provided
I got, game from the Bible
turned the, page in the Bible
provided a, way for revival
spiked a, wave in my vitals
spite was, a way for denial
I was, estranged to the Bible
but there’s no, chains in the Bible
though I’m, a gangsta disciple
Jesus, came with disciples
I speak to, pain and our trials
because every, gangsta’s a child
living through, anger and clouds
so I’m more than a, gangsta disciple
but I have to, disciple the gangstas
because they aren’t, rivals or strangers
they’re just, looking for angels
so I, disciple the dangerous
and dedicate my, life to the shameful
and to the, blamed and disabled
not just offering a, cane to the able
but also a, way for the strangled
—
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