There is this known unknown, or unknown known, so to speak, about the hardships of life as a black man. I know I know, woe is me, everybody has it rough right? But just as there are different kinds of love, there are different kinds of struggle, and being black…yea, that’s a different, different kind of struggle! The problem with prison is, not who is here, because that’s just an adjustment, after all, many places like church, school, or the hospital may say this, but prison really means it when they say “We Welcome All!” and when you leave, the door man says, “Thank You Very Much For Your Time! Please Come Back Soon!” No lie, any and every kind of person is welcomed with Open Numbers(arms) in prison, but the problem is that prison embraces and reinforces prejudices and racism. Prison coerces separation and indulges in stereotypes, so imagine, being black when its ok to be reminded your color…its rough! But my problem was and is, for the longest time I wasn’t comfortable with my being black, feeling as if it was at the expense of others comfortability. Im no longer running from that reality, but I must face that all real truth of being a black man going back into society as a convicted felon. And whats more is, im actually trying to do good and create a platform that can possibly chip away at the relative uneven curves people like me will face once free again. All in all, its a scary thing, even the freedom with the independence demanded within it after being told and scheduled to do what and where for so many years, I’ve felt more robotic and less human…side note, I have slight splashes of koolaid on my shirt, you know what…you really look like a dirty sloppy ass person when you have stains on your white T. No matter what else you have on, how fresh it looks and how good you smell, just one minor stain on that white T is like an indictment…that’s kind of how it feels being black, just one smudge on my record, just one out of place word or action, or seen in the wrong area, its just…well you get it. So being black is like having a koolaid or ketchup/mustard stain on your white shirt…this makes sense right? But it takes knowing where you are, who you are, and what that looks like to be able to adjust to what’s needed and expected of you in order to thrive and succeed. It took coming to prison to contemplate what really had me imprisoned before I had arrived. Sometimes it takes looking at yourself, not just the stain, to know exactly how you got to the point where you stained that beautiful white shirt. I mean I can say that I came into this world with a stained white shirt, but to make it fair, let’s just assume we all are working with the same full deck, and its up to me to make the best out of whatever I draw, which I believe more than not. People often say when you’re caught in a dilemma, what would Jesus do? Its the wrong question, right answer kind of thing…you can’t fathom what a man so long ago would do today, but you can speak on what he did yesterday when adversity crossed him, and then ask yourself, “am I capable of doing the same right now?” And if not, why? Therein lies a truth about yourself that may help solve so much more, but we cheapen the process of betterment and self exploration by shallow or commonly accepted and asked questions that go no deeper than the now, with no room for reflection of past moments and moments to come. We get in these same monotonous cycles of “trying to change” yet doing the same thing, maybe its the words we use…maybe instead of change, we should be trying to Evolve. Evolution says to me; adapting, growing, survival, becoming, transforming, ascending, permanence, etc. But change simply is moving on to another temporary from the last. So I have to evolve my mind frame, anticipate my hardships, understand why the stains are on my shirt, question if I’m even able to grow and be better than I was the last moment in order to be able to make it past this moment and onto the next, because if better is possible, then good is never enough. Confronting issues head on will keep us from repeating these same cycles of “change” and we’ll begin to apply the necessary steps to Self Evolution. Just saying the word Evolve or Evolution sounds so much more impactful and proactive, carrying a new sense of pride. So yea, I’m a black man, life isn’t easy and once I leave prison it may get tougher, but I can’t withdraw from that fact just to feel temporarily more comfortable, I have to face that and ask myself what am I going to do about it, and be willing to ask and accept help, even if that’s just talking out my fears of freedom. Prison is a platform, I truly believe that, spending all this time self reflecting and building upon this broken image and foundation that was me, now I can speak to so many because I been through it…ALL of it, and there are people scared like me, preparing to break at any moment, confused and going through it now in their own way. I won’t say I have answers, but I have understanding, and from there, help is always possible. Because truth is, there is no one answer fit all, every life is different, so is every struggle, and the threshold to withstand it, but I’m equipped to feel with and fight for people, prison at least gave me that ability..my struggle may be different, but its still the same language, slang is still English and so is that southern talk. We ‘break’ independently, as individuals but we can heal interdependently, together. Yea, I’m black, I’ve struggled with identity, self consciousness, repressing emotions, depression, trauma, anger, impulsiveness, suicidal thoughts, and relationships…but, if better is possible, then good is never enough, so I’m Evolving at the moment from doing good to becoming better. Denying that you struggle or why you struggle will only serve to keep you in the Chains and Prison of Self, but I crave freedom, do you? No More Locks, Find Freedom By Facing Self
I’m Weak
I don’t like to admit that I’m weak
but we already inside these seven days
and it only took-
one to fall
You wonderful
as if I’m standing in awe
viewing a water fall
and I’m under all
Your ambiance
You got an audience
like inaugural
when u audio, I mean when u speak, u say what u mean,
You never audibled
marathon intent, coats your strength, u stay wit it like cardio
and when that water broke, them rivers rushed and those ocean tides, turned to waves
u faced it wit me, and never turned away
u soothe my spirit and quiet my voices like my favorite song
so I can admit that I’m weak when its you that makes me strong.
No Words
The judge dropped the gavel
his throat full of gravel
but time froze
he felt hollow
he looked at his dad
he shook his head solemnly
couldn’t look at his mom
he knew it would break him seeing her cry
so his head held high
though his knees weakened
his mouth clenched
unable to speak
his face telling a lie
body beginning to shutter
hearing the words of his defeated mother
being her only son
she cried out that she loved him
but he could’t say it
gripped by her words
he tried to say it
he just couldn’t say that he loved her back
but only diction it inside his mind
seeing the imagery of those words
murky and running like his mother’s eyelner
but he thought he could muster a ‘bye’
but he stuttered
then stumbled
beyond the threshold of the door
and as the door shut
he finally broke down…
he was just sentenced to life
and he cried in his shackles like a baby
babies can’t talk, but their cries can still be. understood
and that day, that man became a baby and his cries told more than words ever could.
Take A Hike, Take A Flight, Fly A Kite, Or Drift
Walking…I just want to walk, feeling the vibrations of my every step onto earth, observing nature going on despite my intrusions, feeling the breeze whispering secrets in my ears, the elements dancing on my skin, inhaling the fragrant air, just a stroll, with no interruptions that block my progress or force me to turn around, limiting my explorations. I want to walk and interact with life limitlessly, my best friend was driving and saw a forest as we spoke and decided to stop and take a hike and on that hike, she found a vastly rooted lone tree that reminded her of me that she took a picture of. The storied comparisons in that tree spoke to her, and she narrated that story, inspired by nature. See nature speaks to us all, but these walls quiet those voices, I just want to hear them again and listen more this time. Even to be able to travel, I’ve barely seen life, and mostly I have imagined it all within pictures, one of my bucket-dreams is to take hikes up mountains and inside of forests, or drive across country seeing all the different landmarks, architecture, and cultures, possibly even fly just to see how vast this world is, how we can be so connected and yet so far apart, I’ve never been in a plane before but I’m in prison next to an airfield and I’ve seen all types, even multicolored planes and I just go imagination crazy, like what do the see, where are the headed, wondering of all the freedom right above all my captivity…oh and train rides, I want that too, if they still do them,1st class preferably with grapes skittles and wine-Dapper Destinations! but I just want to be able to observe and connect with life outside of a TV or picture, to be able to travel and see so many dreams concocted by so many different people that came to life, and to find myself inside the be architecture of all-Nature! Is it really taboo and dangerous to fly a kite during lightening? Never flew one…Has anyone ever stopped and watched the world rain around them while under an umbrella? Just the illusion that that creates is beautiful, its like you’re inside out, you’re in the thick of it but its happening all around you, not to you, and you are for that moment, impervious to its effect…you’re walking around with your own personal shelter so to speak, designed to protect you, keeping you in and everything out…but isn’t that how life is? We get into our own personal zones of comfort and protection, expecting the world to acquiesce to us at those moments, communicating so close yet so disconnected, inside of a whole yet oblivious to the parts and its functions..like do you every find yourself thinking…What am I or are we even talking about? Why did I do that? Why do I even think like this? am I that different or are they just that careless and dumb? freaking umbrellas! Someone it becomes a phenomenon to expose ourselves to the rain. Like it is so romantic, daring, rebellious, audacious, wild, unconventional, and cinematic…its just water! But there it is, water that can’t stain you but put a damper on what it is that you use to communicate who you are, how you feel, and how you value yourself…aka clothes, or our fabric disguises. We become so thin and thin skin that we rather just embrace life at an arm’s length, and voyeurism is the new hug, and exhibitionism is the new curiosity, stepping outside of your comfort to view other pleasures outside of yourself that may still stimulate some type of happiness that we can’t quite maintain as much as we need too. When has being happy become an event or surprise, somehow its so far contrasted from our normal states of being, as if people don’t feel unless they can speak about how what they feel hurts. People want to cry, grieve, and mourn together bto create lasting memories of bonds that blossomed from hard times just as much as they want selfies and groupies of moments they wish could last longer than that click! Well I’m tired of accepting pain, I want to live daily like a selfie or groupie lol, that sounds funny in retrospect, I want to stop feeling so inside out and just feel and embrace and experience and connect…im tired of feeling distant, I want to be present and contemplate everything I perceive instead of glancing at life! I want to be thicker than my fabric…I don’t know the answer to how to do all these things besides to just live and quit “just trying” to live. Maybe it can all start with just taking a hike, taking a flight, or flying a kite in every capacity of its positive connotations, not the negatively sounding idioms or sayings, that are used to dismiss people by saying that. I wonder if being a prison philosopher is a paradox, after all philosophy is just questioning what is, as if there is more, I mean that its not popular thought to view prisoners as thinkers, but then again, free people don’t think and question enough, maybe that quality is what keeps too many in their own self imposed prisons…maybe we aren’t so different, just like the plane fight, we’re all so connected yet so far apart…your experience is my own, and my own experience isn’t yours…
but we all experience, life should be spent more trying to experience and not straying away from experience. So, take a hike
take a flight, or fly a kite..or maybe we should draft, more than we drift?
I heard this quote from a movie that said, I think it was James Bond “you’re just a kite caught inside a hurricane…”
story of my life…story of life…sometimes life seems to big for me, right? But then I remember, what is life…without me?
Maybe Life, should experience me…
So hears to being Larger Than Life!
YoungR.U.S.S!
WayOfLife!
This Can Not Be
This can’t be true
this can’t be you
this is Not the woman you said you were;
I get so confused
when I look at you
you told me that you were something new
I trusted my gut, but my heart got abused;
and here we go again
when will it ever end?
that I fall for someone that should have stayed a friend;
you weren’t what you seemed
a nightmarish dream!
we fell asleep in peace but awoken by your screams
and in that moment, you cried the truth
no!..
this.can’t.be…
givEND
Off the wagon again
I took a shot of pride, and cracked it over the head of a shadow, then yelled, ‘why are you so shallow?!’
I admit I have insecurities
I’m still kinda fragile
but when it comes to my past I’m fast to act as if I’m ready for battle
til I see the shattered glass and realize it reflects me! broken and hollow
my mouth open, I swallow
gulps of dry air down a strep throat past swollen tonsils
my trachea aching, I need a chaser, there’s no mistaking I’m allergic to swallowing pride
running from truth, while following lies
fancy myself a leader yet following lines
that lead me straight to troubled abdominal signs-
bad ‘gut feelings’…
and that moment I wretch
is the moment you sketched
a visual of my regrets
same moment I’m stretched and sprawled over my mess
bile clinging to my flesh
what?! I’m anyone’s guess
this is how I deal with my stress
I’m a paradox, ok? simply-complex
death is a promise…but life is the threat
and my misery experienced inbetween is the cost from the price that was set so forget it!
I rather tilt up, when I feel down
hearing that colored river traversing my esophagus is an irresistible sound
draining into my spirit, the feeling is almost prophetic
how can I regret a cadence that is so poetic
I salute and surrender to your potent potion and poignant nature
you aren’t addiction
you’re needed, you’re necessary, you’re priceless, You Are Art
paint inside my soul with your brown silky silhouette,
slithering the silo of my mouth so seductively
I savor the way you satiate my gullet as if a serum soldiered serendipitously by saliva,
your solution snaking about so serenely,
until I’ve ingested your sacchrine of Serenity and Beyond!
solemn silence summoned,
then subsides to siphoned incessant swishes of kinetic formula until sanity,
sour sanity, is saturated by a solvent solace,
swathing my insides s
wallowing your depths is both a sacred and sinister covenant that whispers to me like a Siren!
Shut up conscience!
don’t sully my savior!
shamelessy soaked in a sin-sated by sensation
spurned and spun by a smooth and sweet sage
don’t be shy she says
sanctimony
I’m safe now
don’t save her
spare myself that emptiness
tilt her up and fill myself, until I dont feel myself
be strong and dont struggle
submit succubus, yes
but her salacious soliloquies, sound so alluring,
luring me ever so close…
I cant resist you!
I grab you!
I have you!
Victory!
You’re All Miiine!
and with pride I consume you in one gulp!
…
then you’re all gone?!
and I’m still broken!
so I break you!
then break down!
seeing your seeping, shattered shadow, I scream, “Why Are You So Shallow?!
I don’t get it..
I drank every last bit of you!
and I’m still.. hollow