I’m inconsistent
insufferable
overbearing
and insensitive at times
I say I’m passionate
but I may just be temperamentally emotional
I’m apathetic when I know how to feel
or how it feels
but sometimes
it feels like I’ve forgotten to feel
or how to feel
I find that I’m reminding myself to be more thoughtful
or emotionally available
more often
pain
or internal long suffering has roboticized me
I’m depraved
or deprived emotionally
I’ve grown into personal numbness
having less feeling for self
and those closest
than for those I don’t know
yet I vividly feel my hurt
I’m just impassive
or dismissive to it
and then disregard that of those I regard most
almost as if,
I decompress my exhaustion and bitterness on familiar company
being objective helps get things done
but it takes the humanity out of the process
I can’t be subjective hear
this is prison
emotions,
and especially love don’t live hear
yet when I get on the phone,
I have to find that love again
that feeling…
turn off
turn on
turn off
turn on
GTL and JPAY suppressed heartbreaks
trying to stay grounded
but my positive wires get crossed
and I need to pop the breaker,
just to wake me back up again
because I want to feel alive
I want to do for others
I innately want “so much’ for people
that sometimes I become an intense pressure
a coach, when a friend or lover is needed
admittedly I tire of hearing complaints and cries of
wait,
it takes time,
I’m trying,
I can’t
I went through this
and my life is blah blah blah
life isn’t simple
I absorb each protest, but do I use emotion there?
or will that subjectivity
only further cripple and babysit their potential
and feeble self pity
sometimes emotions pacify
people want me to pacify theirs
while often-
though I never ask-
feel no pacification for myself
my strength is assumed
or hoped for
so I can just give,
rather than they wear the heavy burden of uplifting
something and someone they don’t truly get
emotional output is so one sided
what you give isn’t necessarily what you get
funny that way
I’m apathetic cuz I gotta be
emotional cuz I wanna feel
and I’m passionate because I have to balance them both
Leave a Reply