What’s up J
I know I keep calling you something different, I like giving nicknames based on however I feel or however it comes out, I just try to be as natural, real and raw as I can be without over-thinking, that way feelings thoughts or truth don’t have to be guessed at, dig?
Reading this book… and it has reminded me of the importance of history, where things began and how all things are connected and interdependent on each other, this means that one thing affects all things, all things affect all things, nothing is separate or independent, even if they seem very different and distant, they still are all connected.
Opposites attract because opposites are not different, they are actually two sides to one aspect, attribute, or thing… it’s like a coin has two sides, heads or tails, they are two different sides to the same coin, they may represent two ideas or pictures but they still come together to be, mean, reflect, cost, value, and represent the same thing–which is a coin.
We all have opposites that are actually compliments to one another, this is called duality, two sides or natures of a thing, all things have duality, like up/down, left/right, right/wrong, good/evil, happy/sad, etc.
In order to truly know something and understand it, you have to know both sides of it, like the truth, you can’t know the truth by only hearing one side of it, even if it’s the only part that you have known and the part that you prefer, because to truly know the truth in your own mind, you have to hear all of it and then you make your own decision.
The truth is not always pretty, sometimes it’s ugly, but just like love, in order to truly love something, you have to know the good of and in it and also the things that may seem less good or bad even, because then you can understand it better, and know what you love about it and why, and how it reflects part of you, because we like things that reflect us/seem like us, or things we wish to become and believe that we aren’t.
So to know something, love something, understand something, you have to know all parts of it and be able to have the courage to accept and embrace it, knowing you can not change things outside of you, you can only make for a better opportunity for it to grow and become better by speaking truth, loving fearlessly and accepting what you can not change or understand but still seek to understand. This is how you do not judge, but instead learn, and then make decisions on what you choose to want or not, like or dislike.
You understand? Now, what does this have to do with history… well to truly know something, you must know where it came from, how it began, what created it. this is what science or the study of things do, and then once you know where something comes from and how it works, then you have a chance to create an order to it once you know its form, this is what mathematics does. All things without form are in a state of disorder or chaos, so when a person does not know themselves when they do not know why they are how they are, do what they do, like what they like, etc, then they have no understanding of where they come from, how they were created, and so they can not fully put themselves in order, so when only part of yourself is known or understood then there is a greater chance for your feelings, thoughts, words, and actions to come out in disorder, or chaos.
This can happen almost immediately or over time, because you can feel like everything is OK and you are happy and doing well, like you have control, even when you feel sad or empty at times, but when stress or the hardest things come into your life, if you do not know all of yourself, if you are not in order from inside and out (the two sides of you, internal and external, or spiritual and physical-duality) then chaos may happen.
This is what happened to me, this is no excuse, only truth, truth has no emotion though people react to it emotionally, because it is a part of what makes us human, emotions show us what we like and don’t, how something makes us feel. Chaos comes out in many ways, like violence, depression, addiction, anger, sadness, guilt, shame, fear, emptiness, yelling, rudeness, and more.
So I will meditate and try to order my thoughts, so I can tell you my history, so you will know your father, not just assume and have a picture painted of one side, but my beginning til now, I will skim and hope to put it in one email so it can be readable and understood, that way I can not be a stranger to you, though we may still be estranged by distance, but you may know me more from within until you can know me outside.
But the first step in knowing me is to know that I am a man, not a monster, a monsters are fairy tales of misunderstood people and personalities that destroyed everything around them and themselves because they were lonely and angry, they became chaos because they lost their order, people judged them more than loved them, they saw them as separate instead of a part of the whole of us all and that pressure and fear of loneliness and broke them, we all have our points of destruction, and from it, we hurt others because we ourselves are hurt. Example: I did sports because I was strong fast and talented and it made people like me, but when I wasn’t being active, when the game, practice and working out was over, I had to deal with myself and life was too painful for me, I did not want to exist anymore, so I only lived for people to like and accept me because I never had that growing up.
I hope you were able to understand this, it’s hard to break things down and explain over email, but I am trying for you Jumpman, I love you Josiah.
One day I dream that you will see feel and believe that, and come to accept the other side of your story instead of fear and run from it, in order to do that, I have to show you the good in me so you know it is safe to no longer run from.
This is my job, not yours, I’ll be better.
I will give you the formula Next Email.
This email will be short, but this is the blueprint.
So this means, Man or Woman out of Order, Equals Monster-Chaos.
So we will attempt to bring the Monster you may see, from the Chaos he imposed, back into the view and Order of Man, so that you will know Your Father.
And we accomplish this through a new definition of Science and Math for the purposes of us. Science, knowing what something is composed of, and Math, knowing how to bring the parts(composition) of a whole together(synchronicity/unity/union), which will be Order.
The last Stage and formula of Man/Woman is to bring union to both of their nature, the physical and spiritual so that they will be complete because nothing is separate. Remember Duality? We have to walk in union with our body and spirits.
We accomplish through Spirituality or some may call it Religion, but it is connection with that which you have been separated from, Which is God, so in connection with God, we become full and whole again, therefore we don’t have to ask for anything because we will realize that we already have it and all things are within our reach as long as we believe, which is called the Law Of Attraction.
We can greater walk in our truth, the unity of our two natures, by practice, meditation, and prayer… aligning our thoughts and words with our hearts.
And this is how I become the best version of what I was intended to become to and for you, which is a Father.
I do not do this by my own thoughts desires or preferences. Being intellectual does not change a person’s behavior.
My only job in this life now that I am a parent, is to be the father for my sons.
My Job is to be your Father. Anything else is secondary or self serving, any job that I have is only for the ability to be able to survive enough to carry through with my duty of Fatherhood. My very passion that I work hard at now is and has only been to better myself so I can be better for my sons, so I can provide for them and be in a position to show them that down doesn’t mean out, and mistakes do not mean permanent.
I will share parts of what I speak to you about, only because I am one of many fathers and mothers, and you are one of many sons and daughters, that are going through this, and people have to ability to grow and change when they can see stories that they relate to, and since we are all connected, then my desire with you is my desire for all kids and their parents.
A teacher can not be selfish with their knowledge or they are not teachers.
An author can not be selfish with their stories or they can not be authors.
And no parents can be selfish with their lives or they can not be parents.
No one can be selfish with their wisdom because people will suffer and the world will be chaotic
so what I learn, I teach, and as I teach, I learn.
Because they say when you teach, you learn twice.
So together, as we try to get acquainted, maybe a good thought is that we will give others the chance to do the same, maybe some families may start and heal through us…?
If all things are connected then anything is possible!
Math + Science = Man
+ Spirituality = equals the Father you Deserve
Part 3: Why I wrote
OK Lil Lion
I’ve been trying to see how do I begin to tell you a summary of my story, and I admit, trying to remember things that long ago and everything endured is kinda hard and I tend to just block it out usually, so the thoughts and images come out sketchy and all over the place, certain things as I’ve healed and strengthened myself spiritually and mentally, are still calloused emotionally because I haven’t been out there to reconcile with certain people or just the breath of free air now that I know myself and reasons more full than ever… prison is claustrophobic, every breakthrough isn’t rewarded with air or space to breathe that new self in, so freedom is going to be so vast for me, the air and world are going to feel so much bigger and not so closed in upon me.
So I figure the best way to help me tell it and to give you a better picture is to start off with the why I began trying to write to, and about you in prison, and the other why I stayed away, I’ll break this down in two parts, this one is “why I 1st wrote to you”.
I had been searching for myself here. Some ways that I knew and some ways that I wasn’t aware of. I was searching for acceptance and approval my whole life, though I became a monster, I wasn’t originally, and now I had come to the understanding that with all these years to do, I may actually have to try and become a monster, whatever that means, in order to survive it because I was scared son. So that desire for approval and acceptance took over because fear was the motivating factor, not love, like all things should be driven by, but I’ll explain that love concept another time. It is deeper than romance and “I Love You”. So since I’m short, I’d lash out at everyone bigger than me, I’d lash out at all I feared and all that made me feel my guilt shame and embarrassment. The irony of it all was that my biggest guilt was your mom, what I had becomes and done to her, so I never took part in conversations or jokes about hurting people or women especially, and I thought that maybe this may make me better in some small measure to myself and make up for who I had become and all I did, so I got really aggressive towards men, cuz I figured, if I could hurt a woman, than I should never cower away from hurting and being hurt by men, I’m no predator, I do not attack the weak naturally, usually I had always been a protector, it gave me value in my friendships, I always took the bullet, to me it made me believe I’d always have them around if I protected them and I wouldn’t be lonely. So I was against all bullies in prison, I fought men willingly, especially if they were bigger than me, I stuck up for the small ones and just never preyed on anyone’s weakness, I never took advantage and never helped anyone do it. I thought this made me less monster and more man, and if I had to get aggressive, then I’d become a monster to protect myself, though I out myself in situations I didn’t need to be in, but I enjoyed fighting bullies, big people and proud woman beaters if it came to it. I fooled myself in thinking this made me better than them and better than who I was. When you live in shame, guilt, and embarrassment, the mind creates these things that help you cope, deal, and accept yourself so you don’t always feel low.
This wasn’t working for me, I was the funny guy that everyone called Kevin Hart with a small complex, and that small complex overruled me, the good that everyone liked in me(my views, mind, athleticism, humor, and music abilities) was overshadowed by my anger…but I was just sad, so a friend who was older told me, if this is how you gunna be, is always quick to fight at the smallest thing then, I don’t wanna deal with you, because when will I know the time you decide to lash out on me..this hurt because I looked up to him, so I valued his wisdom and presence, and saw he cared enough to keep it real and show me myself instead of enjoy the show, so that moment I decided to find myself and grow.
I dealt with the truth, never got mad at anyone telling me the truth, I embraced all views so I could find a medium and discern how I’m usually seen outside. I studied all psychology and sociology books to better understand myself and all people, then history, then my own culture-African culture, because being black, and dark, was a shame I carried as well.
I began writing, and I figured I’d be better for the sake of myself, your mom, and my sons, and anyone else I ever hurt because I was better than this, God didn’t give me all these talents to become this. I never knew how I’d ever talk to you, so I avoided thinking of it, but then I wondered who you were, like at what age do you do this or that or think like this or know that, so I’d watch TV and I’d see kids and the ones closer to your age gave me a meter of how smart you could be. Often adults think kids can’t be as smart or strong because they are small, but I saw these young kids with their talents and others creating nonprofits and businesses and others speaking about social issues, and I’m like, damn, my son is probably so smart by now.
Then I decided that I won’t be the parent to handicap you from the truth because I thought you were too small to handle it, especially after I saw the Stone man Marjory Douglas kids go to congress after their school shooting and speak for change of gun laws and such and being so aware speaking to the politicians, so I wrote my first “Dear Josiah”.
From that moment, I promised to never try to keep the truth from you in any of my writings, I knew that I’d be trying to protect myself and not you, so until I could talk to you, I’d forever be honest no matter how bad it sounded, because truth is real love and until I’d be strong enough to speak to you, id lead by example in my writings and speak on how I felt no matter what I felt
though I still feared talking to you…shame..guilt…embarrassment…
end of part 1
I Love You
OK this is part 2, this is why I stayed away
This won’t be long, I hope lol
I stayed away because I felt unworthy. I felt you were better off without me. I felt guilty, shameful, and embarrassed. I couldn’t handle what yaw represented, which was a truth about me that I wasn’t willing nor ready to deal with yet. I loved your Mom, she was the most beautiful woman in the world to me, but I was never taught how to love, nor how to keep and maintain love, nor how to respect it. All I ever knew and saw was violence, so maybe somewhere in my mind I believed violence is what kept things. Force was the way and the only real power. Maybe that is why I worked out so hard, I never wanted to be beaten or hurt by anyone again, yet I began to hurt others to keep myself from being hurt.
See this is what fear does, when you live and love from a fear foundation, if fear is the motivating factor, then how you see the world is different. You make up different reasons for why you do things and why they make sense. Your mom and I didn’t do what was best for the other nor ourselves consistently, it’s not for me to say this is an excuse, because what I have found out is that you always and only have control over yourself once you have the ability to know what is right and what isn’t. Although we both hadn’t matured fully in our minds by our young ages, she did what was best for her and you and left, she did right!
I was sinking into darkness, even now she still protects herself and you from the last memory of the man she knew and believes I still am, and I can’t blame her, though it is fear, it is from a love of herself and of you, so it is a fear-based on love, this fear is OK because it is one of protection, the irony of it is that I’m the one saying that it is OK that she protects herself and you from me, though I know I’m not him, I understand and so I have to be OK with this because that is how you love, she is loving you and in my own way I am loving you both by respecting understanding and accepting this.
At times I used to think I rather not be alive than not be with your mother, this is how deep I loved her, when it was good, we was like two kids in our own world, nothing else mattered, we were all we knew and cared about, no matter the troubles, though we were reckless… when all you’ve known is loss, and seen is death, and felt is pain, then how do you keep something…someone good that represents the best you have ever felt when you know that all things get lost, end in death, and feel so painful… the danger in it is that it was like a fatal attraction, she knew and experienced that I would do anything to protect her, but I also ended up doing anything just to keep her… or maybe it wasn’t to keep her but because I knew she was going to leave eventually like all I’ve ever known, so I hurt her in defence or fear of that fact, maybe if I could be strong enough to leave her first than I’d be OK, but I couldn’t, so I hurt her because I felt trapped, I wanted to hug her her but I only pushed her, I felt she knew me best so she saw what others didn’t and what I couldn’t see and so I punished her for it, I felt that when she saw me, she saw what I hated in me so I couldn’t stand her looking at me or knowing me because her eyes were deep and the most beautiful I’d seen and the world used to stop when she looked at me, now the world tortured and closed in on me when she did. Like she saw a pitiful dark ugly and weak man that lied and acted like he was strong and OK.
I made her scared of me like I had become of being seen and become of her because I felt she saw things that I made up to be true inside of myself.
She wasn’t the person I was hurting, it was me though she felt the brunt of it.
At times I didn’t even see her, it was like some eery version of someone in front of me, we’d argue and I’d black out, the fear of being left and seen was too much for me and the memories of a childhood I thought I left from all of a sudden came up.
I felt I lost everything to our relationship, football and college… now who was I? Because I hurt mentally and emotionally internally, so I hurt externally physically… I could say more, but this is a jest that I feel says a lot and doesn’t go too far or come up short and betray my promise to always be truthful to you. I guess the last admission is, when your mom had another man in her life, a man you know, I won’t say his name to be respectful, well he and I never liked each other, and seeing her with him felt like the biggest betrayal, and I tried at that point to respect that she was the mother of my son, so I didn’t say anything and I tried to stay away, I felt that he had beliefs about people that looked like me that I didn’t respect which touched on an insecurity I still had about myself and darkness. When I knew he was helping raise you, it hurt and angered me to a level that I can’t explain, so I knew it was best that I stay away. I wondered how’d you grow up, would you love yourself, your skin or question it and feel lonely like me, and try to be what you were not.. Also, I feel I proved your grandparents right that I was a bad person and not good enough for their daughter, they saw a youth in panic and trouble. Your grandma and grandpa(your moms step dad-he so kool and chill back, I respected him so much) were good people, and your great parents as well, they just wanted what was best for their child and grandchild, so their feelings towards me I never took personal, I knew what I had done and they too acted in love.
OK… so the next part is my story… may take a lil longer but I’ve sent a lot for you to read, be a kid and enjoy your summer and days, I don’t want to cloud you all at once with this stuff, unless you ask, till it comes, I love You.
what’s up My Sun(spelled right)
Hmm, men have emotions and this is OK, I learned this late. And right now, I’m sad. Currently, I was trying to take a nap, but all my thoughts became you, it’s like my spirit was talking to me, and I tried to clear my mind, but I couldn’t, so I began to think about how I’d write to you later about how I’m feeling now and what’s on my mind. But I couldn’t progress from the moment and nap, like my spirit was like, “bruh, get the point, wakeup and write him, stop moping and feeling sorry for yourself”. So here I am…
Again, I’m sad, I’ve never really said those two words like that out loud or in my life, just saying “I’m sad” I don’t say this to make you or anyone feel bad for me, this thought crossed my mind when I thought of explaining to you why I’m sad, is that I never ask for sympathy, I actually hate it. I don’t need pity, it takes away your power. It changes how people are seeing you in that moment, they don’t see you as powerful and capable and resilient, but weak, even they don’t realize it.
I am strong enough to be resilient, to grow, learn, evolve and change for the better. So in my mind, I said, don’t cry for me, cry for my victims, because they may not have become as strong as I have become yet. It’s almost impossible to go through life and not hurt someone, to be completely victimless… let me change that, you can go through life and not have victims, but it’s hard to not hurt anyone ever. I’m a victim that turned into a victimized victimizer, I say that because I was still a victim while I was victimizing, but being a victim is no excuse to victimize, though hurt people hurt people…it’s a sad cycle of life.
The reason I was a victim is because as a kid, I experienced things that I could not control. There are things that happen, and there are things that happen to you. And as a man, there are things in life that happen, and things that happen to me, because we have systems and biases that are beyond my control, but again, I don’t ask for sympathy, all we can do first for anyone is to try and understand them and empathize before we can ever offer help. To empathize is to feel what someone is going through so deeply that it feels like it is happening to you.
But I’m sad because I’m thinking of your pictures. I’m a father watching his sons grow up in picture, I had a lyric in a song “locked in this prison, no one comes to visit, your sons grow in picture, your girl leaves your side ‘cuz she can’t deal with distance…” I’m sad because I have to hear about all of your accomplishments second-hand, from distance. I haven’t been able to hold you, to kiss you, and you’ve grown past those ages where a boy would even really want to receive a kiss from his father or to be held… or at least in my mind you have, I personally never had a father or father figure that would or could do that even around to even attempt it and sadly my mom was in the same situation I was in, so I never received those little displays of affection as much as I wanted or needed, I do remember when my mom would when she was there and I loved it so much. It’s my greatest memories of my childhood, cuz when she came around, she knew how to make it feel like nothing and no one else was in the world but us, and she spoiled me with affection. Through all her mistakes, that woman knows how to give love affectionately without shame. I used to be embarrassed by it, but when was gone, I desired it so much because I got it nowhere else. I grew up in foster homes and group homes, strangers or legal guardians don’t really show or give physical affection much, it’s weird, it wasn’t offered but I never wanted it, they were strangers and temporary to me… I never knew permanence.
I’m sad because I haven’t been there to raise you as a strong boy and give you that affection and tell you how beautiful you are and make you feel OK as a man to be both strong but sensitive enough to feel and compassionate enough to care and competitive enough to dominate and loving enough to help an opponent up… but I’m sad because I don’t know if I could’ve been any of that for you, truthfully I was not who I am now. I wasn’t a man, I was a stranger, a boy learning by the day, living in fear and anger. you have grown up with every chance and circumstance I never had, honestly, in better hands than what I would’ve been able to place you in. That hurts but it doesn’t because my care is you and your safety growth and opportunity more than my want or ego to be the one to do that for you, so I’m happy you have that.
I’m sad because I had to go through this in order to become who I am, though adversity makes champions and heroes, pain creates strength, failure paves a road to success and setbacks and falls are just opportunities to go further and rise higher, so I needed this in order to become the best I can for myself, for my sons, and in/to this world full of people hurting that need someone who understands their pain and need examples of overcoming and words of power/messages of empowerment to keep going, so without prison I would be a mere pedestrian going through life like a thespian (actor) and not being real to myself/for myself/ and those created from myself and in this world full of people who are an extension of God, which is to say, we are all connected, we are one big Self.
I don’t cry much, this world stole my tears, but I understand pain, that’s sadly what people connect to and what created me, I was listening to this song by Roddy Rich and it was like he was telling most of my story and how I feel, it’s called “War Baby” and our last name starts with War and for me, life has been war, now my life is a war for peace and love, this is what I am a warrior of instead of just survival.
I’m sad because I don’t even know where to start telling you my story, but for now, I can start off by saying,
I’m a War Baby, hardships made me
but I pray for you and your greatness daily.
I love You
What’s up my son?
So there’s this young dude here, and I guess I look like a twin version of his dad. All of his homies say the same thing, his dad and him are from the same gang… a fortune I’m glad to know that I will never have to worry about with you. Even though I’m not a part of a gang any longer, I chose my sons instead. Though I still have homies I’m close with, but they understand and respect my path and choice, they also believe in my future and support the decisions I make and push me to keep on it because I’m their voice too. There are some homies that don’t like it, but misery loves company, they are still young lost and wild like I was, they don’t know better nor a different way yet, so they stay out of my way and I stay out of theirs.
But anyway, so this dude whose dad I look like, well his friend was like go get your son when I was on the way to get into the shower, and I said: “that ain’t my son, he gangbang, the streets is his father, not WayOfLife”. And they laughed, it’s all jokes but they know I was serious. I did a lot and lost a lot behind this dumb stuff that we do just because we want to be a part of a family, but it’s all based on fear which makes us fools in the end…come to think of it, my whole life has been ruled by ‘f’ words.
I lived by Fear
I escaped through Fantasies, my love of Football and dreams of Fame
I never really had and always dreamed of having my own Family(ruined that one)
Living in my Facades and in my Feefee’s all-time making me Fight
Sacrificing myself for my Friends
I can probably going on, but you get the point…
I do a lot of things now that you can not see and may never know, but it’s because I love you and to be able to protect that possibility and being part of your life again one day, sometimes I think that I’d trade every bit of promise and opportunity I have in my future, all my talents gift and freedom, just to hold you tight once, look at you and tell you I love you… then I think, well that’s too self-serving, and I say to God, I’d be OK and smile if you took all that you have given me God, as long as you promised me that my son would know and feel deep inside like any other truth he holds dear, that his father loves him, and though I would want more, I’d be ok.
I can’t be there for you physically, so I love you by taking those hard stances and not getting involved in the prison problems, and this is the hardest thing to do in prison, to live inside of here as your own man on your own two feet, because when problems come, it’s better you have homies or you left to the mercy of the many… but that said, I have many friends that love respect and look up to me, I’m not old but kids as young as I was coming in here see me like an older homie, I’m just 31, the age in prison is different than the ages out there, out there 40 and 50’s and beyond is old, in here, 30’s are because there’s a lot you go through that ages you, but I smile every time I see drama and I’m like, I’m glad it ain’t me no more, I made the right choice
so I stay away, and I pray for you, if I can’t touch you physically, then through God, I speak and reach towards you spiritually and hope that he extends you a cloak of protection resilience and love through me, granted by God.
I pray for you son… I don’t pray much, I usually just think, I speak in my head, but start my days off acknowledging my sons, I say, “this is who I do it for…” and go on from there.
It’s weird because there are these two parts of me these two sides of me… my past and the presence of my respected future, the people who know me now, know this man that you don’t even know, a man you never heard of or experienced, they see all I’ve done and been through, they know the stories they know the hard roads and the hard work I put in to be where I am now and the work I put into my craft be something and someone tomorrow, and they believe in that man, their belief gives me strength, I appear confidence but I lack it, always have. I usually just fake it til I make it, make myself believe I am confident so I will be confident. But I imagine you haven’t ever really met or spent time with anyone that ever had good things to say about me, rightfully so, I’m not blaming them, I’m just saying this to show you that I understand how hard this must all be on your mind and heart, it’s like a war.
You’re young but you’re smart, you’re strong but you’re scared, you love but you fear. I get it, who am I, who is this man that is your father, this stranger, right? Don’t we teach our kids not to talk to strangers? Kids should learn from their parents first and then when they go out into the world, they walk their own path through the lessons of their parents and discern their own way because they’ve been shown the ways not to take, well I couldn’t tell you what not to do or become, instead I showed you. I am or have been all that I wish you never to be and all that I would’ve told you to stay away from, all I would’ve protected you from, so I am the example, I did it and this is what it looks like, this is how hard it is, this is how bad it feels, and this is how much it hurts, this is what the shame and guilt sounds, feels, and looks like, I’m the person my son is taught to watch out for, and because I love him, I tell him its OK, I understand and accept his distance as my willingness to love him in all ways, not just the way that I wish.
I’m sure you don’t believe in Santa, the Easter bunny, or monsters no more, but if you think about it, I’m sure you get the point of stories and fantasies, what it does for kids because reality as it is isn’t always easy to accept and the fantasy is better, or the story is all you’ll ever know.
Maybe one day we can change that, what do you think? You can experience the story in me and live the fantasy of having a father you deserve and not the tale of the monster.
Shadows keep us looking back but the light keeps us moving forward.
I love You
they tell me that they love me
but I don’t feel the love
they say they miss me
but they coo wit losing touch
ain’t felt a kiss or hug
I miss that kind of stuff
I’m climbing up
the grime and mud
if forgiveness is limited
sign me up
son this life is rough
deal with the scrapes and scuffs
been facing all this pain with a brave face
deep down I’m hurt, but I act tough
lost love and pain has made me tough
it’s crazy huh
but it don’t phase me nah
though everyone think I’m crazy and like to me blame me for
everything that they feel
and everything that they been thru
pick and choose what they like about me
eat my heart out, my life is on the menu
healing ain’t simple
concealing my emotions had me a lil mental
I seen it all
I heard it all
I felt it all
I wrote my wrongs and mailed them off
success is on the way, cuz you can’t fail this long…
What’s up King
Sometimes, well a lot of times this is how I process and heal from how I feel. I write music or poetry, I just write and if it rhymes it rhymes, but getting it out helps. I know I try to make sure I’m taking the onus for all my choices and pain I cause, but that’s still a hard, lonely and heavy weight to bear. Many times people like to appear like angels and make devils and demons out of the ones who may mess up more often or publicly, and so it’s like the focus is on my wrongs, and nothing else or nothing more, I’ve been in prison about 10 years almost, and sometimes it feels like people think I keep messing up, but really I just been in prison for a long consecutive amount of years. All my troubles, my wrongs, my pains, and breakdowns all were in about a two-year period of my life, 2 years of my 31 years of living, anything before that was normal teenage stuff, nothing that wasn’t normal where I came from. Honestly believe it or not son, I’m not really considered that bad from where I came from, and the fact that I can say I made it to college is a thing that over 90% of the people that came from those areas won’t ever say, nor even believe possible. Where I come from son, the truest and first success people experience is graduating high school, making it alive to 18, then making it to see 21, and prison isn’t even rally brought up because it’s expected, but if you never go, then you really defied the odds of what the statistics say. Black kids are born into this world and immediately become statistics, they become numbers that later on become prison numbers, like mine #78756. It’s not because black people are inherently bad, angry or crazy. It’s because they don’t have all the opportunities, support, resources, and educational systems that people outside of impoverished(poor) communities have. All they know is survival, getting to eat and survive the next day, so relationships and babies just become an extension of a life that will be soon taken either by death or prison. This is the sad reality, somehow I made it past all of this and made it to college and thought I made it son. I thought everything was good and I beat the odds, nothing could stop me because I or came the odds, even graduating in the top 14% of my class even through all the troubles and different homes I lived in throughout high school. But when you grow upon with no real family or many different families, you aren’t really told how to go out into the world when you have no one telling you to do this or that, but you are free to be and find you, yet you are still just a kid and can’t possibly know all the things you stuffed deep down and never dealt with until it comes out all at once when life and stress and responsibility is thrown at you all at once. I caved son… I didn’t have a mom or dad that I could call to help and support me, everything I ever did and learned was largely by myself. Yea I had and knew some great people in my life that gave me good advice, examples, and love, but they were rare. Most of the families I lived in loved the check they got from the state for having me live there than loving me. I dealt with all kinds of abuse, really every kind, but honestly, that’s nothing I’m going to share or talk to you about right now or this way.
What I want to do is tell you I get it and I am sorry. Why am I saying this? Well because today I walking the yard and watching the cars drive by, and there were two layers of barb wires and the lowest was just over a foot above my head on the gate, and I thought, how can a person look like a human in here, how can we not look like wild zoo animals? And I immediately felt sorry for you, because I’m here and I am your father and I know this is embarrassing and shameful. I know how that feels, I was ashamed to tell people my mom was in prison, I didn’t know how I’d answer those questions, so I avoided it or made up my lies, though I loved her, I tried to protect my own embarrassment and shame of being different from some of the others kids I’d be around that had a full family that looked like them, with both parents in the home. I used to imagine I was a part of their family in some hopeful and strange way by being at their home a lot and being so close. It helped me escape, hope, and dream of something better someday, though I wanted my mom so much.
So I get it, your father is in prison. I’m sorry I have embarrassed and shamed you. I’m sorry I am here. I’m sorry that you may have felt alone, different, and distant from others and maybe even out of place in your own family because I wasn’t there to represent the other side of you so you could feel and know balance, peace, harmony, love, and identity. I’m sorry I put questions in your mind of yourself and of love. I don’t want to ask for your forgiveness, I rather it be something that you decide if I deserve and that you want to give me on your own time, if ever. This is all your decision, I won’t ask nor tell you my opinion, I’m just apologizing because I get it, I put you through what I went through, that is unforgivable.
I’m sorry son, I Love You.
what’s up bud?
It’s been a little second since I last wrote you. I guess I get caught up in overthinking, wondering if you are even reading any of this, and plus I know it’s the summer and I rather you be a kid and do you. But I just wanted to let you know that I love you and I’m thinking about you. I know thinking doesn’t do anything for you, we all think right? So what do thoughts even mean or matter anyway right?
Well thoughts do matter, though the object of your thoughts may not always know that they are thought of by you, or even feel the immediate effects of your thoughts, but thoughts matter. Thoughts make up the person you become. They either formulate your words and then create your actions, but even if you speak and act differently than your thoughts, sooner than later, the truth of what you think comes out.
Thoughts are not only self talk, which is good, it helps you better visualize what you are experiencing and what you desire to experience. But thoughts are also like self prayers, because just like prayers, thoughts send out energy to the object of your thoughts, making it more possible for the things you think to be affected like a wish.
So why is this so important, well me telling you that I think about you doesn’t buy you more new shoes, but it creates more good energy on you, God places additional focus on you, because I ask God to, and because I am, and God knows all, sees all, and is everywhere and in everything.
The other reason this is important is because thoughts reflect behavior, so when I think about you, I’m more at peace. When I think of you, I’m outside of prison, I’m free… until I realize that I can’t touch you, see you, hear you. But then you become a goal, wish, prayer, and dream to me. So I do everything I can to make that goal, wish, prayer, and dream come true, which means making sure I become better and better each day. I stay away from troubles, and even when I get frustrated, I’m more patient because I know that no one in here or in this world is worth me getting further away from my dream.
But this is my last reason that thoughts are important, not only can we connect with them without words said or even nowhere close to each other, and that is a great spiritual experience and connection and it can make you never feel alone or far away from someone. But even this isn’t the reason, the reason is because anyone can win the lottery. Anyone’s prayers can be answered. Anyone’s wish can come true. Anyone’s goals can be accomplished. And anybody can dream, and see them become real.
But if you do not become the person you need to be to make these things last, then it will only be a moment before you lose it and feel empty, alone, incomplete, sad, and wanting all over again. It is about making things last, and becoming who you desire to be for moments longer than the one instant. You can’t be good just to get an allowance, and then you get paid, and don’t do your chores anymore. You will need more allowance, but not only that, consistency builds character. Just because you get somewhere, doesn’t make the work done, you have to work to stay there.
Nothing stops because you arrived. Your arrival is just the beginning! Mamba Mentality! Kobe was great, but to stay great, he worked harder than everyone and his thoughts were aligned with his words and actions. So the reason I’m saying thoughts are important because they tell you if you are staying focused. If you want something so bad, no matter how long it will take to get it, no matter how much it hurts, you will stay focused. And when you lose focus, you will get right back on track instead of ignoring it and making excuses.
I remember this when I walk to the fence and watch all the cars drive by. They can see me if they want to, but they are busy living life, going to work or out to eat or just driving around. Some are even coming here to visit, but I see them. The world seen through a fence creates lines and splits into reality that you do not ever notice, so steel diamond shaped piece by steel diamond shaped piece, I watch as life passes me by. The hardest torture, because I want freedom so bad.
And I think of you, watching the world hurts, because its like grasping for love and watching it pour through your hands like sand, and you can only hold onto pieces of a whole, but I embrace the pain so I can stay focused.
I stay focused by thinking of you, amongst other plans which motivate me, but I walk to the fence so I can make sure I do not lose focus, and then I walk away, but if my focus begins to slip, I go back, and if I can’t, well… I’m thinking about you, I just thought you should know. Maybe one day it will matter, and even if it won’t, nothing changes because,
I Love You Josiah
p.s. my screensaver is you holding your academic certificate!
do you know what that eagle stands for, and where it first came from?
my son said,
‘I’m just an I don’t know person today’
capturing in one moment
how most of us feel
only if I was that self aware
at the age of 8
naming what we feel
is more detached from
expressing how we feel
maybe we should relearn
how it is to be a child
seeing the world and ourselves
in the lenses which they see
then we could become better adults
or at the very least
we would know more
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